(Originally written Wednesday, May 17, 2006)
In case you didn't know it, (and I don't know how you couldn't) I am quite knowledgeable in all aspects of the socio-political policies of America. Quite often television and newspaper pundits, (never really understood what the word means, do pundits pund? Do bandits band?) seek out my advice concerning all the important and relevant topics of the day. Why, rarely a day goes by that I'm not getting a call from Ann Coulter, Bill O'Reilly or Tucker Carlson asking for help. And since they're all idiots I am very frugal with, lets just say, factually correct information. I enjoy making them look like idiots on Fox News, (motto: Your Source For Uneducated Opinions Masquerading As News) because its so easy.
Anywho, because of my wealth of knowledge people are always coming up to me and asking my opinion on the immigration woes that have beset our country.
"Whats your opinion on the immigration woes that have beset our country?" they say.
"Good question," I reply, furiously wracking my brain for a quick and easy answer.
But sadly there is no quick and easy answer, so I'm often left trying to shove spare change into their confused hands and running away hurriedly, because thats what I always do when I'm confronted by the indigent in the middle of broad daylight.
In those times when the question poser is quicker than myself and able to tackle me to the ground and hold me in their diseased, unwashed hands, I am forced to come up with an actual answer. Fortunately my mind is finely honed, and after minutes spent trying not to choke on vomit induced by my assailants well-cultivated personal aroma, I am able to respond. Clearly, intelligently and to the best of my knowledge.
"Well," I say, batting away the colony of flies that have set up in the beard of the enquirer, "I'm glad you asked.
"You see, America has long been founded upon the back of immigrants. Why, there wouldn't be an America if it weren't for the wretched refuse and the huddled masses yearning to be free, etc. etc. And while its true that they didn't all have the permission, at the time, of the natives already basking on this fine countrys shores, they didn't let that little set back stop them.
"They came by the boatload, from many fine, historic, and most importantly white, European countries, until the ports on the eastern coast were clogged full of Italians, Irish, British and any other random WP you can think of. The American Indians didn't know what to do with all the WPs invading their country.
"The natives didn't all speak the same language, (of course the natives of America didnt actually have an official language, they were just a confederation of unified 'states' with varied languages and ideals) but the important thing is that they shared the same culture, and what unified the natives was the fact that the invaders were different. They had a different culture, different language and different skin color.
"The natives didn't worry much at first because the foreign WPs were willing to live where the natives were not willing. They could and would do the jobs that the natives couldn't or didn't want to. But then the natives felt encroached upon. Everywhere they looked there were uninvited foreigners. And those foreigners chose to bring their own cultures with them instead of adapting to the cultures that already existed in America.
"This angered the natives. All of the good places to live were being stolen by the WPs, and all the good game was being hunted and eaten by these invaders. On top of that, they felt that they were owed something when they tried to trade with the natives. The WPs couldnt seem to accept the fact that nobody had invited them to come to America and kill, burn and eat everything in sight.
"The natives got together and decided to do something. They politely asked for the foreigners to leave. That didn't work. So, they set up guards, minutemen as it were, along the shores, but that didn't stop the boatloads from arriving. Finally the natives couldn't take it anymore, after being backed into a tiny corner of the country the lashed out against the invaders.
"And were promptly killed.
"When they had almost finished with their extermination, the WPs felt bad. They decided to be generous and give isolated and desolate pockets of land to the natives. Where they live to this day.
"And everybody lived happily ever after.
"You see my aromatic and homeless friend, because these two cultures wanted to live in the same country, but could not live together, problems arose and civilizations crumbled. Luckily this is not a problem we have today. America is open to everybody, regardless of race, religion, creed, sexual orientation, pizza topping preference and shoe size.
"Today in America, we have learned from the mistakes of our forefathers and will never again stumble in our goal for a unity and cultural harmony."
At this point, apparently satisfied, my newly educated wino friend will help me to my feet and wander away to ponder my incredibly deep words and probably find himself a liquid dinner.
Irony is lost on some people.