The Shut-in Workout You Didn’t Know You Needed!

What’s up fellow prisoners! Broceps here, lead trainer at Club Torquemada, and I’m pumped today to share an exciting workout that I have personally developed that you can do from within your very own domicile, or wherever you happen to be currently trapped. It’s easy!

Using the latest in core training, while incorporating Yoga, (including Bikram) as well as Mongolian contortionism, Inuit whale-stalking, Seminole pole-dancing and French leg-crossing, I have created a spectacular routine that will get the blood flowing, the muscles moving and the heart pumping. It’s easy!

Before we get started, you’ll have to gather some tools. While some of you may have weights and the proper equipment, some of you may not. So I decided to simplify things as much as possible. He’s what you’re going to need set up in front of you for this INSANE! Workout. It’s easy!

1.Four cement blocks
2.Two two-gallon milk jugs. One filled with water. One filled with milk that you left outside overnight.
3. A cactus
4. One Jenga set, already set up
5. One large pizza, the works
6. A goat (if you don’t have a goat, three cats will do)
7. 6’x2’ worth of sandpaper

Ok, are we ready? Let’s get started. It’s easy!

First, you’re going to clear enough space on the ground to put the sand paper down. That will be your workout matt. Then, it’s time to get naked. This way you can better see the muscles and tendons flex during the workout. Let’s start with some stretches. It’s easy!

The Corpse: Lay down on your back. Now, with you hands down by your sides, palms down, I want you to lay there, counting to 50. Turn onto your stomach and repeat.

The Snow Angel: While still on your stomach, spread your arms and legs outward, while keeping as much of the surface of your body in contact with the floor as possible, count to 47. Flip over and repeat. Can’t you feel your muscles contracting and loosening?

The Angsty Teen: This stretch requires a wall or some other vertical surface. Approach the surface and lean your back against it to whatever degree feels comfortable to you. As you lean against the wall begin to ponder how mean your parents are to you, how much school sucks and you can’t wait to move out! Relax, take a deep breath and repeat. Leg up optional.

Alright, warm up complete! How’d that feel? Get a nice sweat going? Good, time to work out! It’s easy!

!. Grab two of those cinder blocks place them approx. three feet apart. You’re going to sit on one and rest your feet on the other, so pick whatever distance is comfortable for you. Bring over the cactus and the other two blocks, place a block on either side of you. Sit down on the first block, resting your feet on the second. Take the cactus and place it on your lap. Take cinder blocks three and four in each hand. Now do as many block lifts as you can, with the cactus on your crotch until you collect at least a teaspoon of blood from the punctures wounds. Be sure to keep your arms straight the whole time! You should be able to do a quick and easy 250 lifts with this. It’s easy!

2. Alright, set all that stuff aside and shake it off. Next go up to the assembled Jenga set. With one leg, proceed to give that shit the mightiest kick you’ve ever mustered in your life. Send those pieces flying everywhere! With a stopwatch (I forgot that you’ll need a stopwatch) time yourself going around the room collecting every piece. I hope you counted the number of pieces before you kicked! If it takes you longer than 2 minutes to collect every piece, then set it back up and do it again. Feel the burn!

3. You’re doing great so far! Going into the homestretch, gotta get a little cardio in. Take the two milk containers and walk up to the goat, (or cats) and proceed to dump the jug full of water all over it while insulting its mother. Get it enraged. Get it steaming mad enough to chase you. Then proceed to run for your life, because goat skulls are notoriously thick and they will break bones if they headbutt you to the ground. As you run for your life, be sure to chug thirstily from the jug of spoiled milk. This will fortify your stomach and guts from any future under cooked Peruvian chicken you may get at a restaurant one day (I’m looking at you Limon!). See, the key is to not just make your outside strong, but your inside as well. This workout is all encompassing!

The same applies to the cats, although insulting their mothers probably won’t work. You may have to find insults that work for your particular situation and feline companions. It’s easy!

4. Alright boys and girls! The final step of the workout is to lay the pizza on the ground and just stomp all over it. Treat it like a redheaded stepchild. This is done for two reasons: 1. Because I’ve always just wanted to do that, you know? Just waste a pizza! 2. It’s a symbolic gesture to show that heavy, fatty, delicious foods no longer have any power over you. You have the control and the willpower to rise above their tasty, tasty siren calls! You are the master! It’s easy!

Okay boys and girls, that’s it. You did a great job today! Just follow this workout four times a day during this quarantine and in no time, you’ll be as swole and as cut as your boy Broceps. It’s that easy!

These Are the Songs that Carry Us

DJ: Hey everybody and thank you for joining us at 96.9, The Throb. The “Crusty Love Nugget of You Dial” ™ I’m your host with the most this afternoon, DJ Restraining Order, ready to take your love requests during these trying times.

Here at the Throb, we know that the current virus situation has people on edge. People are forced to “shelter down”, “hunker in place” and “take hostages so as not to be alone”. We know that this pandemic is driving families apart, straining friendships and relationships and basically just being a nuisance in the hinder. So, for the rest of this afternoon drive-time “Love Hoedown” ™, your boy Restraining Order is opening up the phone lines. I’m taking all requests all afternoon. Don’t be afraid! This is how we beat the virus, communication and togetherness! Caller one, go!

Caller: Is this me?

DJ: It sure is. You’re on the line caller. What’s your name and what is your request?

Caller: My name is Hezphiacalth the Wallower and I’d like to request Loser, by Beck.

DJ: Ok Mr. Wallower, I’m not sure you get this it’s supposed to be love requests.

Caller: My dad was Mr. Wallower, just call me Hez. Okay, if that’s no good, then Creep by Radiohead?

DJ: Ummm….

Caller: Hurt by Nine Inch Nails? Anything by Nine Inch Nails?

DJ: And these are love songs for you and your partner?

Caller: Ohhhh! ME and my partner! No, these are the songs I love to listen to while skinning somebody alive. I see the mistake now…

*CLICK*

DJ: Alright, next caller, what can I do you for?

Caller: Hi. My name is Tristan and I’d like to request PYT for my loved one.

DJ: Pretty Young Thing by Michael Jackson? Odd choice considering, but okay. Who is this going out to and what do you want to say?

Caller: This is for my boyfriend Xander, congrats on graduating 5^th grade this year! we'll have all the Jesus Juice you wa...

*CLICK*

DJ: Let’s try this again. Hello there caller, what is your name and how may I be of assistance this “Throbbing Afternoon”? ™

Caller: Hi DJ Restraining Order, my name is Greta and I’d like to request Ride of the Valkyries, by Richard Wagner.

DJ: Well, we usually do the hits from the 80s, 90s and today, but this is the closest we’ve gotten to an actual romantic song request, so I’ll do my best. May I ask why that song?

Caller: Because tonight he’s breaking into the nearest clinic to steal masks and drugs and if he doesn’t come back, then the next time I will see him will be in Valhalla!

DJ: You people are insane. Let’s take a short break and then back to the romantic music extravaganza here at the “Love Hoedown”!™

                                                                           ***

Commercial 1: Hey there. Are you a single in the DMV area? Want to go out and meet new people, but you’re totally over that “bar scene”? Then you should meet up with Looky Lous the only singles group for unhealthy and unlawful peeping!

Join us each month as we get together somewhere in the area to illegally look through people’s windows, personally or professionally to see what’s going on in their more well-adjusted lives!

There’s no pressure for you to interact with others in the group. We only ask that you bring your own binoculars and cleaning towel and try to be discrete during each meeting.

Join us. What do you have to lose?!

Commercial 2: Hi this is Broceps over at Club Torquemada with a great new offer for you. I have developed the perfect workout for you and your flabby body to help cope with the stress and pressure that this Coronavirus is putting us all through.

During these buzz-harshing times, the worst we can do is ignore what our body so desperately craves and needs. My routine will ensure that you will greet each day of confinement with a raised chin. Mostly because you won’t be able to lower your head or use your neck for at least a week.  

So come on down to Club Toruemada tomorrow and get 50% off with membership. Or, if that’s not possible, starting tomorrow, you can follow me in an online workout class. See you then, pussies!

                                                                               ***

DJ: Welcome back DMV to the “Crusty Love Nugget of your Dial”™ 96.9 The Throb! I’m your afternoon host DJ Restraining Order and we’re going to close out this godforsaken mess with an email from somebody who was too scared to call:

“Dear DJ, my name is Chester and I’m writing because I figured you were getting pretty tired of the callers and I hoped this would better attract your attention. I don’t actually have a girlfriend or wife of my own to make a request for, but I hoped to make a request on behalf of all those who do.

“I haven’t been around very long, but I’ve learned how important music is, not just to humans, but to animals and even plants. It’s a beautiful thing. And like all beautiful things, people want to take a piece for themselves, to latch onto like their Precious. This can be both positive and negative.

“Music, sound itself, has power like few other things do. Music can inspire people to do and create great things; it can inspire them to continue on with their lives regardless of odds. It can inspire them to find strength and glory in a greater power than themselves and to motivate others to do the same.

“Music can also inspire people to do ugly, hateful things for no other reason other than just to do them. Perhaps people get pleasure out of their actions, maybe they feel nothing more than compulsion. Only they know.

“But in the current situation, music ends up being the hands we can use to caress each other metaphorically to make up for not being able to touch physically. And that’s always good.”

DJ: There was no request in there asshole!

You Could Have a Treasure like This in Your Attic/Closet Right Now!

He found it in the third box he dug through.

Tsuris was in his parents’ attic, going through old boxes for things to add to the community yard sale. So far, he’d discovered some old M.A.S.K. action figures, a couple of puzzles and a Heffalump named Woozle. All great memories, but none as good as what lay in the bottom of the third box.

After digging through old baby clothes, his blankie as a kid, that weird Barbie phase he had at age 17 and his collection of Garbage Pail Kid Cards, Tris found the book.

Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie.

Oh shit! He thought to himself. I haven’t seen this thing in forever! I remember when dad used to read this to me at bed time a long time ago, back in the before time, when we all lived together. Gosh I miss this shit!

He flipped through the pages. It was a kid’s book, more colorful illustrations than words. And that’s just the way he liked it. Reading is for chumps! He flipped to the back inside cover and made an interesting discovery.

“Property of Rose County Public Library Department” the sleeve glued to the book said. The card inside the sleeve had a date stamped on it with one of those generic rubber stamps where you could spin a wheel to change the numbers to whatever month, day and year you wanted. The date stamped on this card read: Dec. 8, 1994.

Oh shit, Tris realized with surprise, this was an overdue library book!

The current project at hand forgotten, Tsuris rushed out of the attic, tripping over a rocking horse and accidentally falling into a very cold wardrobe. After brushing snow off his shoulders, he took the ladder two steps at a time. He hit the landing and made his way upstairs*, and outside to his car. He turned it on and peeled out of the driveway like a bat out of hell, eager to get to the library.

Fifteen minutes and two neighborhood pets trapped in his front grill later, Tris made it to the Bill H. Cosby’s Reputation Memorial Library. He raced up the steps like his name was Ferris Bueller and sprinted to the checkout desk, where he spent the next two minutes trying to catch his breath. Tsuris was pathetically out of shape.

“Here you go ma’am,” he said, passing the book to the librarian.

“Excuse me,” the librarian said condescendingly, “I identify as ‘papyrus’ and I need you to respect my pronouns.”

“Ok,” Tris said, slightly confused. “What are the appropriate pronouns when addressing…yourself?”

“That would be ‘paper,” “sheet,” or the more informal, if we’re friends, (which you and I are not!) ‘my scroll,’” sheet replied.

“Okay, paper. Sorry for the trouble. I would just like to return this book. Though, to be honest, I haven’t borrowed a book from this library in decades, I’m not sure I even have an account here anymore.”

“Let’s see. Name?”

“Tsuris Macher.”

“Alright Tsuris, looks like you checked out…Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie? What the hell is that? Anyway, you checked it out Nov. 2, 1994. Yeah, it’s overdue alright. And yes, you do still have an account with us. We’re like the IRS, we never forget. Your overdue fee is $73,284.29. But, since I’m in a good mood, I’m willing to wave the 29 cents. So how will you be paying today, sir?”

Tris began to panic. The sweat rolled down his panicky face in a monsoon. His eyes flicked back and forth, like a poker player with a hundred tells. Overdue fee? The hell is she talking about? That book is 25 years overdue; they can’t seriously be keeping track of that shit? I don’t have anywhere close to that kind of money. This has got to be a joke, he thought.

“Ummm, you’re kidding, right paper?”

“Sir, I am a librarian. We all have our sense of humor surgically removed upon employment. Now, I ask again, how will you be paying?”

“Like this!” Tris yelled. He then turned and ran to the door. He got about five feet from the exit before he felt the electrical shock hit him between the shoulder blades. All of the muscles in his upper body contracted and spasmed like he was having a seizure. He lost control of his legs and fell into a miserable heap on the floor, unable to move any of his body parts in the way he wanted to. The damn librarian had tazed him!

That’s when the security guards walked up to him in their hobnailed boots and began to practice their Irish dancing skills on his face and body until the pain turned into numbness and shock sent him blissfully into unconsciousness.

Tsuris woke up sometime later in a dark room. Well, he assumed the room was dark, he couldn’t tell, he had some kind of a mask or bag over his head. All he could tell about his situation was that the room he was in was frigid, whatever he was sitting on was very uncomfortable, his hands were tied behind his back, his feet were tied together and he was barefoot, which really sucked, because the floor was rough stone and it was like ice.

Out of nowhere, there was the sound of a heavy door creaking open and a light switch was flicked on. The bag was pulled off his head and he saw the librarian.

“Well Mr. Macher, welcome to your new home. Don’t try to escape, nobody has ever been successful. Just cooperate with us and the rest of your life can be as trouble-free as you make it.”

“Through the fog of pain, concussions, broken bones, blunt force trauma and who knows what the hell else, sheets words clawed their way into recognition.

“Rest of my life?” he squeaked.

“Yes. To pay off your debt to the Rose County libraries, your parents have agreed to make you a permanent ward of the state, so you can work off what you owe. And with what you owe, you’re going to be working your ass off and staying in this cell until you die.”

“Please no, paper! There must be something else I can do!” Tsuris pleaded.

“You’re doing it already,” the librarian said with a smile. “And please, call me ‘my scroll.’ I have a feeling we’re going to become good friends…”

^^^Laughter fades out as screen slowly goes to black. After a good twenty seconds of silence on a dark screen, right when people are wondering if it’s over or what the hell is going on, the words DON’T BE A TSURIS MACHER appear.^^^

*Tsuris’ childhood home was built upside-down. Life wasn’t easy, but man, the price on that house couldn’t be beat!

Only One Left

(All facts are true and can be researched online)

In 1952, Dr. Amstaed Grunsch, of the Czech Republic, was hired by the United States government, for a secret experiment called Project Locus. Dr. Grunsch’s field of expertise was in itself experimental. Or, at least, nascent. And as a young, but burgeoning field of study, Dr. Grunsch was at the forefront. He was studying Fluxuating Syncopation in Air Molecules, (FSAM for short). The theory was that if one could predict and quantify the miniscule ruptures in the space between air particles, they would be able to somehow translocate physical matter much quicker than Einstein’s Theory of Relativity could account for.  Of course, even though he was 72 at the time, Einstein felt this to be a fool’s errand. But still, he welcomed anybody able to prove him wrong.

Doctor Grunsch felt that with a strong enough power source, and with precise equipment, one would be able to navigate in between the individual air particles to achieve trans-location. However, he was stymied by the poor condition of the frankly useless post-war equipment left in the Czech Republic. What hadn’t been destroyed (either by enemies, or retreating Czech soldiers using phosphorous grenades to destroy all possibly intelligence) had been severely burnt, dented or stripped for parts.

Luckily, the United States had heard of Dr. Grunsch, and saw great possibilities in his work. With their current Cold War with the Soviets showing no sign of slowing down, indeed it was escalating, the American government felt that any edge it could get over its enemy was worth experimenting with. So Dr. Grunsch and his team were transported to a top secret laboratory in Fort Ferncliff, which was a little-known scientific subset of Fort Riley. The laboratory was set up in a repurposed missile silo for the protection of the people within, as much as the people outside.

The lab was dubbed Susicka (Czech for DRYER) by the scientists because they discovered that the less moisture was in the air, the easier translocation occurred. It helped to split the molecules and create larger pockets through which to navigate. Susicka was as state as the art as possible in 1953. Many military suppliers were made or broken by the contracts to build the requisite equipment. Three Univac 1103 Cray Computers, designed by Engineering Research Associates and built by Remington Rand were installed. This was unheard of at the time as they were the most advanced computers in existence. The Armed Forces Security Agency was upset, as all ERA contracts were to be allocated to them. But the higher ups felt that Project Locus, would fare better than pipe dreams of one day being able to go into space. 

Doctor Grunsch and his team spent four years working on Project Locus, meaning that Einstein died before he could see any success, or failure. The team of Czech scientists worked long hours, partly out of devotion, partly out of their American masters demanding results. The stress caused some scientists to quit. Some were forced back to work; the others were never seen again. But eventually, after more manhours than could be counted, and more grey hairs than anybody wanted to admit, the team thought they had completed their machine, named: The Submolecular Optimization Coordinated Kenetitron (SOCK).  

The problem was  Dr. Grunsch did not feel that the machine was ready to be deployed. He felt that it required more testing, as it was extremely dangerous and the results could be catastrophic. But the military was anxious to use the machine. The Cold War was escalating, stockpiles were growing and they felt that nuclear attack was imminent. They wanted to get there first. Perhaps translocate one of their own bombs straight into Moscow. So, on Sunday, Dec. 8, 1957, the first, and only test of the Submolecular Optimization Coordinated Kinetitron took place.

Unfortunately, it turns out that the doctor was right. The machine wasn’t ready, that much was obvious in the first four seconds. All three computers exploded and half of Kansas lost power. Fires ignited everywhere. The smoke was dense and caused many to suffocate as they inhaled aluminum, nitrogen sulfate and other compounds that were meant to be contained, and not breathed by human lungs. Only one person survived. Doctor Grunsch disappeared. The machine itself disappeared into the fluxuations, never to be seen again. But in that small way the experiment was a success, as the results still reverberate to this day.

And that’s why one SOCK always disappears in the DRYER.