Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Movie questions (I couldn't think of a catchy title)

(Originally written Friday, April 21, 2006)

Why, in movies, is it that when characters are trying to convince an authority figure of their sanity, they always say the craziest thing possible? (Listen to me Doc, there's a cyborg from the future come to kill me before I have a son who will one day become the leader of a human revolution to topple their evil robot overlords!)

Why, when being chased by a monster or killer, do people always run upstairs instead of outside? (Well, if I go outside I can get away and perhaps flag down some help. But, if I run upstairs I can back myself into a corner to make it easier for Jason to kill me, or, if I'm lucky, plummet out a window to my unavoidable demise. Gee, thats a tough choice. I guess I'll go upstairs!)

Why are movie cops always so skeptical of what they are told by the protagonist? (A guy is chasing you with a knife? Yeah, sure buddy. Let me just walk into this deserted building without any backup to check out your wacky story.)

What in hell compels movie lovers to kiss first thing in the morning when they wake up? (My ability to kiss you when your breath smells worse then Al Roker's boxers after he gets Mudbutt, proves my love for you!)

Is deodorant just an option in movieland?

When people spontaneous break out into song and dance numbers, why do the random extras always know the choreography?

Why is it when characters go to clubs they can always talk and understand each other so easily? It isn't like that in real life. (Here, lets conduct our conversation in front of these 12-foot high speakers, it's more private.)

Movie drug dealers always assume that when doing a transaction, their partners are always going to try and kill them and steal their money/product. Is that really any way to do business? You'd get no repeat customers!

Why are so many movie plots based around the most ridiculous coincidences? There are so many examples, I wouldn't know where to start.

You've been out in the jungle for a week, fighting natives and hunting for treasure; is kissing and hugging a hot chick the first thing you're going to do? (Well, we just escaped being eaten by the Jungle Cannibal Tribe, I think I should show how much I love you!)

Why is it that no matter what the time, day or night, that a person turns on the television or radio, do news broadcasts always show the specific thing that will further the plot?

Why are movie ghosts automatically so violent and evil?

Does anybody realize how silly most romantic comedy plots are? Time travel, notorious and surreptitiously-operating romance therapists, bets, the C.I.A., escorts, angels, how many weird ass ways can two people meet?

People sure do sober up quick in movies when they want to, don't they?

Why is it that singers can become actors (Ice Cube, Queen Latifa) but actors can't become singers (Bruce Willis, Eddie Murphy, Don Johnson, Jennifer Love Hewitt, etc.)?

Are we really supposed to believe that a doll, or other tiny things, can bring a grown man to his knees? How hard would it be to just pick up Chucky and rip his frickin arms and legs off? Hes a toy!

Do I even need to bring up the unlimited ammo people have in movies?

Why is it that when people wake up and their clocks say its only 6 in the morning its already midday-bright outside?

Why, in rom coms is somebody so willing to do something totally out of character and slightly stalkerish to prove their love? Did Drew Barrymore really need to run across the damn baseball field to get to Jimmy Fallon in time? Did that one lady really have to run through New York barefooted to reach Crocodile Dundee before he left on the subway? Speaking of which, why are the conclusions to romantic movies always focused around deadlines?

Why is it that when two people are having a cell phone conversation and they hang up there's dial tone? Are there special cell phones around that I don't know about?

Why is Harrison Ford still being cast as an action hero? I mean, I love the guy, but lets give him a break, shall we?

Why will that one guy always be known as Stifler, no matter what he does?

Why does Hollywood love movies that make fun of itself so much? The rest of the world doesnt.

Bad guys: are they in a union that requires them to stand in a circle around the hero and attack him one at a time? Does this same union require them to have worse aim with a rifle than Helen Keller?

How come you dont see more alien chicks with three boobs? The one in Total Recall wasnt enough.

Why do movies about the future always project their current technology? For example, all futuristic movies from the 80s still had dot matrix printers and those cheesy ass Apple 2 computer monitors that were all green. All futuristic movies from the 60s had worlds populated with hippies and computers that spit out cards with holes in them for an interface. Futuristic movies from the 70s had people with stupid 70s hair, (i.e. Luke Skywalker and Han Solo.)

Why do horror movies always do the fake scare, like a bird flying out of something suddenly and startling the protagonist, and then follow it immediately with the real scare? Weve seen the trick a trillion times, we know whats going to happen by now.

There are so many things out there to make movies about, we dont need remakes do we? Especially ones that are exactly like the original, shot for shot, line for line (the recent Psycho remake comes to mind)?

Why do people in theaters always laugh at jokes they've seen a hundred times in the t.v. commercials?

Why can't I think of a funny and clever last question that ties everything up in a funny and clever way?

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