More movies I think I could do without

(Originally written Thursday, May 11, 2006)

The follow up to my highly praised and very controversial column about movies I didn't like, (or, in most cases, downright hate) will begin.............................................now.

Office Space: Do I dare speak against this cult classic? I do. Don't give me that bullshit about having to work in an office to get it, because I do work in one and I don't get it. Everything about this movie just strikes me as off. From Jennifer Aniston working in a wack-ass family themed restaurant, to dated jokes about Michael Bolton, its all extremely unfunny. Red staplers and weird office losers do not a movie make. I don't like anything by Mike Judge; Beavis and Butthead, Office Space and King of the Hill all just strike a bad nerve with me.

Donnie Darko: I wish I could like this movie more. Unfortunately, since I have no idea whats going on in the movie, I must give this flick a thumb down. You know whats funny? The director has no idea whats going on in his own movie. I watched it with the directors commentary once and I remember him being extremely confused by what he had wrought.
"See, I made water and metal very important themes in this movie. They are symbols. Of what, I have no idea," the director probably said at one point. It was something like that anyway. I did like the song at the end and the part where they were rockin that Tears for Fears song, but that was it.

Theres Something about Mary: Yeah, there's something about Mary alright, a bunch of crap! This movie is so dumb I can't even talk about it anymore without seeing stars and blacking out. Next!

Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy: Ooh, I know I'm going to get some angry letters about this one. But I gotta do it. I am going to make one of the boldest statements you were ever hear from me that is not politically related. Ready: WILL FARREL IS NOT AS FUNNY AS HE THINKS HE IS (notice how that statement was bold.) Every movie he does is an ode to himself. If somebody is foolish enough to turn a camera on him hell go on forever, thinking everything he says is comedic gold, which it is not. You want proof? How about Kicking and Screaming? That shit looked so dumb I bet one out of ten people who read this actually saw that movie.
Farrel let things go to his head upon leaving Saturday Night Live. I, for one, think he needs to be stopped!

Brokeback Mountain: I'm not actually against this movie at all. I just think there's too much damn hype about it. People need to calm down on that tip. Go see it if you want. I won't, because no matter how many people scream at me that this movie is a very powerful love story I still see it as a flick about two guys getting nutty (literally!) while wearing cowboy hats. Plus, what guy wants to see a love story anyway, (except for Love Actually, that shit was poignant and funny) whether its about a guy and a girl or two guys? No guy does, unless...
Unless the characters in love happen to be ninjas who kill insane amounts of people while trying to work out their feelings out for each other. I might consider watching that.

Alright, thats enough whining for now. If I don't pace myself I'll be worn out way too soon. I guess I could counter this by writing about movies I love, but I've already done that in the newspaper I work for. So, for now, I'll just have to stop drinking so much Hatorade.