I can’t believe it. I was ordained as a Kentucky Colonel for less than a week before I wrote an entry all about the experience, my newfound powers and my future plans as a Colonel (sorry, French Foreign Legion, I’ll get to you soon). And yet, here I’ve been living with a newer, more esteemed title for the last three years and I have failed to acquaint you with this knowledge.
For you see, I am LORD JOSHUA OF HOUGUN MANOR. Or Lord of the Manor for short. Lord Josh if you’re nasty.
It’s true, I am the Lord of Hougun Manor, near the banks of Coniston Water in Cumbria, in northwest England. It is one of the three northernmost counties in England, yet it was the only Cumbrian area documented in the Domesday Book of 1086. The title of Hougun Manor comes from the Old Norse word “haugr” which means ‘among the hills’. This exemplifies just how much control of northwest England the Normans had up until 1092, when William II of England beheaded Norman Fell, Norman Rockwell and Norman Reedus, thereby ending Norman influence in the region. Isn’t history fascinating?!
The estate is a picturesque expanse of 90 acres (or 132 farthings for my European friends). It’s been deemed an Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty (AONB) and a Site of Special Scientific Interest (SSSI) by Natural England. I have no idea what any of that means, but you can tell it’s clearly important, what with all of the words being capitalized.
The estate is rife with all types of scenic shit. There’s the “Old Man of Coniston” a climbable peak at 2,635 feet (6,325 leagues). As well as Torver Beck, the only river with both a first and last name. Old Torver “The Raging” Beck empties into the aforementioned Coniston Water, the THIRD LARGEST LAKE IN THE DISTRICT! Isn’t that amazing? My pants are wet with excitement!
“But Josh*”, you’re saying, “what does this mean for you? What newfound power do you wield?”
The short answer, my child, is that there’s simply no way of knowing just how vast my eminence is. It’s quite unfathomable. But if I do manage to make my way across the pond to my august manor, there are a few things I would amend. As a Lord, it is not only my duty, it is my honor to humbly
bestow my grace upon the quaint folk of my estate. Here are a few of my new commandments:
-All boiled meats shall be banished under penalty of flogging.
-Henceforth, the names for dishes will no longer be stupid nor nonsensical. That means you Toad in the Hole, Spotted Dick, Bubble and Squeak, Welsh Rarebit and Benedict Cumberbatch.
-Don’t like the Imperial measurement system? Too bad. I feel that you, my loyal peasants, need a good healthy dose of American Imperialism! Miles, yards and feet for everybody!
-So as not to confuse your legal tender with your weight, your money shall no longer be called “pounds” Instead, they will be referred to as “Cyber Credits”. Because that sounds dope as shit.
-Anybody named Liam will henceforth be called Len. Anybody with the last name Smythe will change it to Smith. Anybody named Liam Smythe will be killed on sight.
-Once per fortnight all shall be forced to watch three episodes of “Meet the Kardashians” just to remind my peons how good they have it under my rule.
-A Big Mac in every pot and an El Camino in every garage.
Anyway, that’s just a small taste. I have big plans in the way of mandatory tanning sessions and American slang reeducation. Soon a bright day will dawn in the nooks and crannies of my Manor.
It’s good to be the Lord.