The most important and vital thing anybody has ever said...ever.

(orginially written Tuesday, January 24, 2006)



Now that I'm writing this, I can never complain about blogs being pretentious again, oh well.
I've been told that my profile is a bit negative and isn't a good way to draw in friends. To that end I say "too bad" because I ain't changing a thing. My life is booty, and I don't have a very good outlook on life in general. In fact, I often have to curb my views on life because I end up depressing other people. Obviously, I don't have many second dates.
Anyway, it does work to a disadvantage sometimes because I'll meet somebody new and they immediately think that I'm always negative. This is not the case, most of the time I'm irreverent, and humorously sarcastic. It's funny!
Alright, so, on a different topic. I'm stuck out here in Iraq, as everybody knows. This is my second deployment, as everybody knows. So statistically, my chances of getting blown the hell up are nothing to ignore. As a journalist I've been to dozens of memorial services, for dozens upon dozens of dead soldiers. And I've tended to notice a similarity in them.
They're depressing, sure, but they're also too ritualistic.
That got me thinking, what do I want my memorial service to be like?
First off, I want them to use my picture from HotorNot.com, (I got a 9.3, I want to be sexy at my funeral!) Failing that, there's this great picture I have of me mooning a camera. They should go with that, because it fits who I am.
Second, begin an Atheist, I have to wonder if it'll be a religious ceremony. Will they have a chaplain have everybody bow their heads in prayer? I'll be dead, so I'm pretty sure I won't care what they do. But if they're trying to honor my memory, I don't think they should include religion, unless Biship Don "Magic" Juan will be speaking during the ceremony.
Third, I really, really hope they don't get some random person who says they're my friend, (I have very few friends in the army, and I'm open with nobody in the military) to speak and go on and on about what a great and super guy I am. I'm not, I'm lazy and self-centered, they should mention that. And I swear I will come back from the grave if they even try to say that I'm a patriot or that I died in the line of duty doing what I wanted, and that to honor my memory all the other soldiers should continue to make Iraq a great place. In fact, they should just let me speak at my own shit. I'll video tape something today if I knew they'd play it. I'd cuss out the government, and my bosses. I'd let everybody know what I really think of them, (and why not, I'm dead nothing can happen to me) and I'd make jokes about my own death.
Fourthly, no depressing, sad music. I want a continuous loop of "Put it in our Mouth" by Akinyele, (or however the hell you spell it) "Slob on my Knob" by Three 6 Mafia and...I don't know, something else equally as inappropriate.
Lastly, I want bouncers at the doors to keep out phonies. I don't want people to attend my memorial because they think they're supposed to, or out of some sense of misplaced duty and honor. I don't want officers I've never met crying out against the loss of one of their soldiers. Let people who actually like me, (and certain people who I'll cuss out in my eulogy) come to the memorial ceremony. That way everybody will be crying, some because they miss me, and some because I just said some mean hateful shit from beyond the grave.
So is this too morbid a thing to think about? Comments anyone?