Mommy Dearest

(Originally written Saturday, May 13, 2006)

Wow, is it Mothers Day again? Didn't I just take a whole 15 seconds out of my extremely busy and important schedule last year to vaguely remember a person who may have been a part of my distant past? Do I really have to do it again?

Just kidding, really. I like Mothers Day. It gives me a chance to buy some wild, out-there presents instead of the usual flowers, given by sons without thought or love. See, you're allowed to give goofy presents on Mothers Day, because it's not a birthday and its not Christmas, (or another Winter Solstice holiday where gifts are exchanged) so you don't have to worry about hurting feelings with thoughtless presents.

My memory of Mothers Day presents is quite hazy, as I'm sure her memory of the presents she's received is hazy, (maybe not though, moms seem to have a good memory about things their kids give them.) If I recall correctly I once gave her a Bonsai tree. Another time I gave her a tie, (I got the parents days confused) And I've given her such amazing gifts as a day at the spa, seven maids a milking, and head lice.

But this year I'm going all out. I ordered some cheesecakes from an online site. There are six of them and they're bite-size or something. I don't know, I don't like or eat cheesecakes, so I didn't really look too hard into it. But I know women do, and it just so happens, (oh wonder of wonders!) that my mother is a woman! Isn't that a fortunate coincidence? I'm sure she'll enjoy the cakes. If my sister doesn't eat them first that is.(That's right Nunya, I said it.)

So, do we all appreciate our mothers? Some people do. I know some of my friends have gone the extra mile. They still live with their moms. That way they dont just show their love and appreciation one day a year. No, they show their love 365 days a year!

And what better way to show love than to leave empty milk cartons in the fridge, messes in the kitchen sink and randomly strewn boxers with shit streaks on them all about the house? I can't think of one.

Sadly, not all of us are caring and giving enough to do this for our mothers. It's sad but true, I know. Some people are so selfish that they have deprived their mothers of the chance to clean up behind them and take care of them. We should be ashamed of ourselves! And it takes this time of year for us to realize just how self-centered we all are. So I think that for this Mothers Day we should all start thinking of our mothers and not of ourselves. Don't buy her flowers, don't buy her gifts, don't make her breakfast in bed, don't make one of those goofy, cheesy coupons, (good for one day of leaving the toilet seat down.) Drop everything you're doing and if you don't already live with your mom, go to her house and make yourself a big heavy load on her life. Mothers love to feel needed and important. So show up at her door with an empty stomach and a full load of dirty laundry. Look at tears of joy on her face when opens the door and she sees you. Thats because she understands just how much you love her.

Happy Mothers Day you loads!