What a long, strange trip it’s been. Who knew, four years ago, that we’d end up here, you and I? Remember when we first met, back in 2006? Those were heady days, were they not? President Bush was kicking ass and not bothering to take names, Vice-President Chaney was shooting people in the face and laughing maniacally. Anna Nicole was doing drugs with her son, Bernie Mac was imploring America to watch his show, nobody had even heard of Twitter and thoughts of a future black POTUS were far from our minds.
Sure, we had our ups and downs over the past four years. Sometimes, I was there for you, sometimes I wasn’t. Sometimes I poured my heart out and you simply scoffed and turned your back. It’s okay, though, people go through these kinds of things in a relationship. It comes with the territory.
I know I’ve been missing for the last few months. Well, six or seven months, I think. I’m sorry about that, I had things going on in my life and couldn’t give you the focus and attention you deserved. I blame the economy, as well as the fact that I’m lazy as all get out. You deserve better than that!
Sadly, the end has arrived for us. We must go our different ways. I have things I have to do and I’ve heard that you’ve been reading another blog behind my back. That’s cool, if he’s providing you with the laughs and topical, informative articles that I haven’t given, then you should read him. He probably has a bigger penis too.
When you look back, think of our good times together, not the bad ones. Remember the laughs we had together, not the tears we shared over poorly thought out and written blogs. Remember that cozy evening we shared where I did that thing you liked? Good times.
Me? What will I be doing? I’m glad you asked! I had hoped to do the big unveiling of my next project today, for Eighty-Four Glyde’s fourth birthday. But, it’s not finished yet. So instead of the proper introduction, with lasers, smoke machines and sexy, semi-nude models, you’ll have to settle for me just telling you what the future holds, (which is cheaper anyway.)
I’m a man of many talents: writer, lover, healer, historian, artist and debonair man-about-town. While digging through some boxes I had in storage, (looking for some old trophies, to prove to myself that I was once successful at something) I came across an old comic strip I used to draw in middle school in high school. For years my parents had suggested I share my artistic skills with the world at large. I balked at the idea, since it was extremely childish, poorly drawn and not the least bit clever. Well, turns out I was wrong! It’s hilarious and it’s time I let reveal my genius to the world!
Out of death comes new life. Goodbye Eighty-Four Glyde, we had good times, (damn glad I didn’t get that tattoo though). Hello Luke & Jon! In a couple of weeks, feel free to stop by at firstname.lastname@example.org (at least, I think that’s URL, I’ll have to get back to you on that) to see what kind of wackiness we’re getting into over there. I’m glad that our breakup is amicable. It’s good that we can stay friends. And who knows? Maybe the occasional back-slide may happen. Maybe we’ll get a little too drunk one night and wake up next to each other in bed the next morning. It’s only natural.
Until then though, I’ll see you on the funny pages.