Wednesday, July 27, 2011

The People vs. A Right Jolly Old Elf

Opening statements

Prosecutor: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, thank you for being here today and doing your duty as American citizens.

Today you will see and hear facts and evidence that the accused did knowingly, purposely and unlawfully, send erotic and pornographic photographs of himself to several people, including Mother Nature, Cupid, the Easter Bunny and for reasons known only to himself, Bob from accounting.

None of these people requested these photographs and all of them feel, in some way, soiled, sullied and abused for having received them. These pictures, of an extremely graphic nature, now haunt the dreams of the defendants and have made it hard for them to work. The testimony you hear today from both the defendants and expert witnesses, will show how tormented their lives have become and how the monetary compensation of a measly $8 million will never erase the pain from the defendants’ lives. Although it’s a good start. Thank you.

Defense: Good morning everybody. I hope you’re having a good day so far. It’s a beautiful July day, the sun is shinning, the weather is mild and there isn’t a cloud in the sky. And even better, you get a small reprieve from the tedium of your jobs!

Ladles and jelly-spoons, what my colleague has told you is a complete fabrication. My client has never sent inappropriate pictures to anybody and certainly not to his fictitious peers, nor this “Bob” person.

To be honest, if anything, there’s a high demand for photographs of my client’s private parts that he has to fight off constantly. It has caused him considerable anguish that people perpetually harangue him to see that which has been reserved only for Mrs. Claus.

We demand that these charges be dropped and apologies given to my client, who is nothing more than a simple man, with a stomach that shakes like a bowl full of jelly, and who wants only to bring joy and happiness to the boys and girls of the world. Would you find such a good soul guilty of this laughable crime? I think not, and I know you’ll agree. Today, justice will prevail. Thank you.


Prosecutor: Please, Easter Bunny, in your own words, describe the events that occurred on the night of December 8 of last year.

Easter Bunny: I’ll…I’ll do my best. I was sitting in my warren, watching an old episode of Duck Factory and enjoying a Harvey Wallbanger, when out of the blue I got a message on my cell phone. I opened the message attachment…sob

Prosecutor: It’s alright Bunny. Take your time. Here’s a tissue.

Easter Bunny: Thank you. Anyway, the picture was of Santa Claus’s groin area. It was close up and not out of focus at all. Thank you 4G network! You worked too well!

Prosecutor: And how did you know whose crotch that was?

Easter Bunny: Because the carpet matched the drapes!! Sob, sob…

Prosecutor: Thank you. You may step down.

Testimony, continued

Defense: I call to the stand: Dr. Gustav Otto Olberov Christof von Hubberstein.

Dr. Gooch: Danke.

Defense: Dr. Gooch, here we have exhibits J, R and W, blown up photographs of my client’s alleged penis as sent to the defendants. Can you tell us, in your expert opinion if this is actually Santa Claus’s no-no spot?

Dr. Gooch: I sure can, and it isn’t.

Defense: Can you elaborate, doctor?

Dr. Gooch: You bet.

Defense: …

Dr. Gooch: Oh you mean now? Sorry. Anyway, as you can see in these photographs here, here and here, you’ll notice that the skin is smooth and unblemished. After spending hours personally handling St. Nick’s balls and shaft, I can tell you that he has a slight scar right at the base from a night of wild, experimental sex that he and Mrs. Claus tried back in the 70s. It involved a jar of honey, a razor blade and four…

Defense: We don’t need all the details doctor. Thank you. Please continue with other differences you’ve observed.

Dr. Gooch: You got it. Alright, here take a look at the scrotum skin. You’ll notice how droopy and saggy it is. There’s enough extra skin there to supply an entire burn ward at a children’s hospital. This is typical of what you’d expect to see on the balls of a really old guy. However! Santa is no normal old man. He’s a fairy, and as such the skin on his testicles is smooth and taught.

Defense: Interesting. Do go on.

Dr. Gooch: The most important difference is also the most obvious one. The penis in these photographs is uncut. Not circumcised. Weird-looking. Whereas Santa Claus’s purple-headed warrior is majestic in its full splendor and glory!

Defense: Thank you for that…oddly specific testimony doctor.

Dr. Gooch: You’re welcome! Now I’m off to perform a reverse nipplectomy on Justin Beiber.

Defense: I have no idea what that means, but good luck.


Judge: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you have spent the last six weeks listening to both sides as they presented their cases. And frankly, a lot of it was some weird shit. But it’s a weird case, so I guess it’s par for the course.

You have also spent the last 18 hours deliberating as to the verdict of this case. Mr. Foreman, have you reached a verdict?

Foreman: We have your honor.

Judge: Could you please read as to how you find the accused?

Foreman: On the count of sending lewd and salacious photographs of his genitalia to multiple people, including some who are underage, we find the accused guilty.

Judge: Thank you Mr. Foreman and members of the jury for your hard work. You may be excused.

As for you, Kris Kringle, you have been found guilty by a jury of your own peers. And I don’t blame them. What we have seen over these past weeks has painted a disgusting picture of an old man who has abused his position as Father Christmas. Frankly sir, I find you and your personal life offensive and would go so far as to say that you would most certainly appear on your own “naughty list”.

Because of the circumstances, I must sentence you to a year of house arrest, to be followed by a stint in sex rehab, until I feel that you are well enough to be giving presents to people that don’t involve your pubic hair.

Get this freak out of my sight.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

I want to bang Janice the Muppet*

I want to bang Janice the Muppet.

I want to run my fingers through her yellow, stringy, yarn-like hair.

I want to caress the soft felt of her radiant cheeks,

And listen to her wail on her left-handed Gibson Les Paul

“Like, oh wow man!”

I want to hump Irona the Robot Maid.

There’s just something about a female robot

With a square jaw and a maid’s costume.

Richie Rich doesn’t know what he’s got,

And she’d beat the hell out of Rosie the Robot

I want to screw Blondie Bumstead.

I want to make her a big ass sandwich and watch her eat every bite.

I want to spoon with her backwards on a couch all Sunday.

Her classical looks and ridiculous ta-tas,

Make me want to meet her in the funny pages

I want to smurf Smurfette

I would gnaw on a mushroom, like Alice.

And shrink down to her size.

And if she didn’t put out,

Then I’d end up having blue balls.

I want to sexify Jessica Rabbit.

I truly enjoy her booby…traps.

She sparkles more than a lame-ass vampire.

I’d show her how funny I can be,

With an over-the-top lisping stutter.

I want to seduce Ophelia.

And take her to my castle in the country-side.

I’d yell at her uncontrollably, for no obvious reason,

Then manically cry on her shoulder.

Our honeymoon would be at a nunnery.

I would love all these fictitious women,

And make them my harem.

The Hef may have The Grotto,

But I get to have all the fun.


* Or, Fictitious Love**

**Or, Do women think about stuff like this?

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Eighty-Four Glyde Fables: The Little Greenhouse that Could

Once upon a time there was a little old lady who lived all by herself in a big, empty house. Living alone made her sad, so she decided one day that she would build a greenhouse next to her house.

So she did.

Her greenhouse was a beautiful building that held rows upon rows of the most exquisite flowers and plants you’d ever seen. There were snapdragons, lilies, tulips, ficus, quamoclits, begonias, roses and a variety of other unique flowers that couldn’t be found anywhere else. The beauty of each flower in her greenhouse surpassed the plant before it.

The greenhouse was the old lady’s pride and joy and she loved to spend hours each morning watering, talking to and caring for her plants.

One morning the old lady noticed something upsetting about her beautiful greenhouse. While the plants at the end of each row grew big and stood up tall and strong, the plants in the middle of the rows were small and weak looking. The old lady couldn’t explain why this was. Worst of all, her beloved Rose, the pride of all her flowers, the one that was more beautiful than all the other flowers combined, looked fragile, near death.

Concerned by what she had discovered, the old lady decided to run out of the greenhouse and pour through every botanical book she could find in her library.

So she did.

That night, in the greenhouse, the flowers had a conversation.

“Why,” the small Rose said to its neighbor, a tall ficus, “why is it that the old lady is sad?”

“The problem is that the flowers at the ends of the rows are growing tall and beautiful, while the flowers in the middle of the rows, (like you) are small and weak. She doesn’t know why it’s happening and it upsets her,” the ficus responded.

The Rose thought about this, then turned its petals toward the ficus and again posed a question: “do you know why we’re not all growing beautiful and strong as she would like?”

“Yes I do, little bud. You see, we need sunlight to grow. It nurtures us and gives us warmth. Without the sun, we will all wither and die. The sun always rises in the east and sets in the west. Unfortunately, this greenhouse was built facing the wrong direction, so only some flowers get the full benefit of the sunlight,” explained the ficus.

“Is there anything we can do to fix that problem and make the old lady happy again?” asked the Rose.

“Hmmmm, there are two options here: we could rotate the greenhouse so that everybody gets sun, but that is too difficult and would require outside help,” the ficus said. “Or, we could change the orbit of the sun so that it rises in the north and sets in the south.”

So they did.

And then the worlds were thrown out of their orbits, the seas crashed upon the shores, fires spread across the face of the planet, the glaciers ran aground in the Caribbean, birds flew into volcanoes, animals ran straight into chasms and the Earth spun out into the cold harsh emptiness of space, never to be seen or heard from again, because all life on the planet was dead.

The End

Moral: Never listen to any Rose. They never have anything good to say and only cause you pain and trouble.