I do, don't I?

(Originally written Saturday, April 15, 2006)

Awhile ago I wrote a column about marriage. The point of the column was to explain what my marriage was going to be like. Not the rambling and pointless diatribe it turned into, full of bitter and reproachful hatred toward all that is good and decent.

Oops, my bad.

Lets make this column hypothetical, that way we can get past the while question of whether or not I'll ever get married, (or who in the hell would want to marry me) and I won't sink into digression again. Okay, the hypothetical world where I'm going to get married starts......................................................................................now:

My fiance, in a night of drunkenness, decided to let me do all the planning and be in charge of the wedding. I even made her sign a statement to that effect. It was witnessed and is in every way legal and binding. Boy is she in trouble!

Now I had to put a lot of thought into this, because weddings are no laughing matter, and since this is the only wedding and marriage I plan on having, it better be pretty damn sweet.

Firstly, since I'm an atheist, the wedding ain't gonna happen in no damn place of worship. Besides, that would probably raise God's ire or something and put the hoodoo on the whole marriage. And theres nothing worse than hoodoo, you just cant get rid of it, no matter how hard you try. Its like a VD.

And, because I'm not some kind of crazy WP, I'm not going to do one of those weddings on a rollercoaster or under water. Ditto with a theme wedding where everybody is dressed as their favorite Star Trek character. It just ain't gonna happen.

No, the wedding is going to be someplace cool and worthy of my getting married there. Since I can't afford to go to the moon, (yet) thats out. So, instead, I think I'd rent out the mall in D.C. or maybe the Champs de L'Eysee in Paris. Something classy, but where you wouldn't normally think of a wedding being.

Since Bishop Don Magic Juan will be doing my memorial ceremony, it would be bad form to have him do my wedding as well. So I'm going to have an Buddhist monk do it. Not because I'm Buddhist, but because he could do some acrobatic, wire-assisted kung fu on people would try to speak now instead of holding their peace.

Hundreds, if not thousands of people would be invited. So would the press. Naturally I'll be a big famous writer by then, so everybody would want to attend. I would also charge a cover. That could be considered to be in bad taste, but it would help pay for the honeymoon, (true with fame comes large sums of money, but why spend mine when I can spend somebody elses?)

Because it would be incredibly romantic, and just the kind of crap girls go for, we would write our own vows. I'm no good at any of that sentimental junk, so I'll have Prince write mine for me. Prince is incredibly suave and has great luck with the ladies. He's not the most attractive man, so I'm guessing he's gotta be very eloquent. As long as he doesn't say anything about how he's Prince and he is funky, my vows should have my fiancee melting at the altar. I'll be listening to my iPod, (I plan on getting one some day) so it doesn't really matter what she says in her vows.

To keep people occupied and entertained during the wedding, there will be ex-Maxim models, (you know, the ones that always win the "Girl Next Door" contests) doing balloon animals for the kids. Not to mention roving Flamenco dancers, (I saw some at BWI airport once, they were great. Much better than that cheesy Austin Powers impersonator) and a mariachi band. This will make the wedding a little noisy, but it's more exciting that way.

Me, my best man and his crew of merry men will all dress in tuxes specially created by the wardrobe person from the Matrix movies. That's right, all black leather, oddly hued ties and expensive sunglasses. The bride and her chicks will be wearing Vera Wang. Dresses designed just for the wedding and can never be duplicated. They will melt at a time I've designated.

The wedding will end with a fly over by the Blue Angels. Gummy coke bottles will be dropped from the planes, because it's my favorite candy. There will be pinatas all over the place and a Faberge Egg hunt at the end.

Dinner will be prepared by all the Iron Chefs. I won't even going to get into what it all is, cause that would take pages. Suffice it to say that all of your favorite foods will be there. Of course that won't matter if you're not invited.

I'm not even going to talk about the honeymoon, that's none of your beeswax!

So, that's pretty much, in a nutshell, what the wedding will be like. There's more to it, I've got plenty of ideas, I've been brainstorming. But that will all be told to whomever is my future wife, (check out the lack of a dangling participle in that sentence!) The only question that remains is: who wants to get hitched?!