Will that be on the exam?

(Originally written Saturday, April 08, 2006)


Everybody who went to a college raise your hand. Wow, lot of hands. Okay, people who went to a community college, (more politically correctly known as a two-year college) put your hands down. Yeah, I thought so. Dont be ashamed. Watch this: Everybody who didnt graduate college, drop your hands too. Damn. I thought I was in a small group.

Its true, in these enlightened and knowledgeable times, a lot of people have gone to college, but not so many have graduated, (at least not in a reasonable amount of time. And by reasonable I mean they started and ended college while one president was in office.) It seems that for most people, college is just something you try, like drugs, or for girls, (at least the ones Id like to meet) same sex naked bed-top wrestling. Then its dropped in favor of doing something else. Do we really have such short attention spans? Perhaps. Hell, I totally lost track of what I was just talking about.

On the other hand, look at all the great times and wonderful memories we all carry with us through life because of college. And if were lucky the memories will outnumber the blackouts.

Like the time you got really wasted and ended up streaking. Wasnt that great? Too bad you did it in the middle of winter.

How about the time you got really wasted and tried to fight that entire fraternity/sorority? Dude, that was sweet!

Remember that time you got really wasted and just made out with that random chick/guy at that party? That was funny.

Ooh, ooh, how about the time you got really wasted and tried to break into the science building to steal all the tongue depressors they had?

Good times.

I guess there could be non alcohol related events too, but are they worth remembering? All thats left is going to never-ending classes and doing countless hours of homework. Forget that jazz.

You know who I feel sorry for (besides myself. I always feel sorry for myself)? Those chicks who had boyfriends who went to other schools, or were otherwise not in attendance where you were. Man were those girls missing out. Theres nothing worse than being faithful to somebody when youre surrounded by teens and early twenty-somethings away from their parents for the first time and ready to get as freaky as humanly possible. How could they stand it? Especially considering that their boyfriends were cheating on them with as many drunken sluts as possible, (I know I would have.)

The only people I feel even sorrier for are the people who wasted their entire college social lives on studying or whatever it is people do when they're not getting drunk and groping others. They never understood that college is the only free time they have in life to experiment with anything and do anything they want. That's why most interesting police stories, (and horror movies) involve college kids. Spring Break was created just for college kids. Why, if it wasn't for them Cancuns economy would have collapsed decades ago!

Rumor has it that colleges are just chock full of these things called buildings and within these buildings certain people talk to younger people, teaching them things to use in the future. I found no actual proof of any of this. But I did see a lot of lecture halls full of stuffy, hopelessly out-of-it, super egotistical "professors" who thought nothing of putting their own insomnia-curing books on the syllabus and charging an insane amount of money for them; droning on and on to completely apathetic students about things that would be instantly forgotten as soon as the kids got anywhere near a bong. Tsk tsk.

Many parents met or got married at college. Imagine it, your dad got really drunk one night and went home from some crazy frat party with your future mom. He probably was too wasted to get it up and ended up passing out on top of your mom, but only after she puked on herself and everything around them. They both woke up in the morning, unable to remember how they ended up in the bushes outside the student center. After weeks of embarrassed encounters around the campus, they finally ended up in bed together after another drunken night. They finally realized they probably couldn't do any better, so they started dating. You were conceived by accident one night when your father drunkenly put the condom on his finger instead of where it belongs.

Pitiful isn't it?