The Un-Super Bowl

(Originally written Tuesday, January 31, 2006)

Super Bowl XXLFJ*&, or whatever it is, will take place Sunday. Aren't we all ridiculously excited? We have to be, it's just about a law in America to watch (and by God, enjoy it damn it!) the Super Bowl every year.
The young, the old, black, white, purple, plaid; everybody loves the Super Bowl. You don't even have to be a football fan to watch. Super Bowl Sunday is equal to Easter and Christmas. Ever notice how those are the two days a year when it's impossible to find an empty pew at your church, (or place of worship)? It's like everybody becomes a devout Christian, if only for a few hours annually. And on Super Bowl Sunday, everybody becomes a football fan, even (and this is the most important part) if they don't know who's playing or the rules of the sport.
I don't know who's playing. But I know it isn't the Redskins, so I let my mind drift into a gentle and relaxing state of apathy concerning the teams. I don't know if they're any good, and I don't know the names of any players. Yet, the beauty of the event is that I don't have to know, it's optional.
Of course, watching the game is really only a diversion. They real action lies in the commercials. Everybody loves the "Super Bowl Commercials," (well deserving of capitalization, I believe) don't they? You've got the super-glamorous ones starring big name actors, and featuring expensive special effects and a lush and dramatic musical score; the ones that point out how expensive adds have become, and inanely spend their allotted 30 seconds wasting time just to prove...something, I don't know. And then you have the Commercials that are regular and therefore boring and a let down. Who gives normal commercials air time on that the holiest of Sundays? What are they thinking?
The price for a 30-second Commercial this year is $2.5 million. Seems kind of wasteful, doesn't it? What is it about a "Super Bowl Commercial" for Campbell's soup that'd make you want to buy it any more than a regular commercial shown any other day of the year? There better be some boobies in that Commercial, that's all I can say.
Imagine all the money sponsors waste for a Prime Time Commercial. That's got to be hundreds of millions of dollars. I have this nagging suspicion that money could be used better elsewhere. Perhaps to get me an all platinum grill. Wouldn't that be cool? And maybe I'll replace all the hair on my body, (and I do mean all) with hair made out of spun gold. I hear Rumplestiltskin does good work.
Another important part of the "Big Game" is food. It is illegal to watch the game without some kind of snackable fodder, to keep you up and energized for the festivities. Just about anything is allowed: pizza, chicken wings, chips, pretzels, frogs' legs, whatever. But you have to eat something. If you are unable to eat something, (which could land you in jail if the Super Bowl police find out) you must, at the very least, have some food in your hand, on your lap, or even spilled on your shirt. It's tradition!
Naturally, you cannot watch the game alone. You need at least five other people, (one of which will always be a fan of one of the two teams playing) who can, at the drop of a dime, jump up and down like Tom Cruise on speed, and scream incoherently at the screen. It's an important job and it lends a sense of urgency and importance to the proceedings. It's not illegal to watch alone, but it is highly frowned upon. Last year, I made a huge bowl a chili and sat down and watched the game by myself. Man, how dumb was that?! Here I am, the antithesis of a football fan, watching the Super Bowl by myself, scarfing down on some chili. I had no clue who I was supposed to cheer for. Every time the t.v. came back from a commercial break I had to familiarize myself with who the teams were all over again. I kept getting pissed because I was trying to watch commercials and the television had the audacity to keep trying to throw this football game in my face. I was bored after 30 minutes. It was a disaster.
This year, I don't have to worry about that. So as you all sit in your warm and safe houses, having parties, eating food, drinking beers and having a good time watching the Super Bowl, I'll be out here killing terrorists or doing whatever the hell it is I do.
Have a beer for me.