Friday, February 07, 2020

If You Had Super Powers...

“NEXT!”

“Hello?”

“Hello. Welcome to Nefericorps. What can I do for you today sir?”

“Ummmm, yeah, hi. My name is The Distributor and I’m here to renew my registration?”

“Okay sir. Do you have you filled out your JW1979, THX1138, ABC123 and the rest of the forms required?”

“My what?”

“Sir. Mr. Disputer? You need to have those forms filled out in order to renew your Super Villain registration.”

“It’s The Distributor, and about that…”

“We also need a blood sample, a urine sample, a hair sample, a tooth (for postmortem identification purposes) your first-born son and a permission slip signed by my mother.”

“By your moth…? Listen, that seems a bit extra for a simple renewal. Don’t you have all that stuff on file from when I first actually applied?”

“According to our records Mr. Discotheque, you first registered in 1999. So not only is everything on file out of date (including your son, who got a job and moved away, but he does send the occasional postcard) but after the ‘Diabolic Uprising of ‘15’ Nerfericorps came under new management and many of our processes and procedures changed. Including registration and renewal. Amongst other things.”

“Like what?”

“Well, under our new rating system, you probably wouldn’t be a 4 anymore.”

“An upgrade? That’s great news! What am I, a 7 or 8 as I rightfully deserve? Do I finally get to fight the Paladin?!”

“No sir. A downgrade. You’d be a 2. In fact, if you complete your renewal today, we should be able to set you up with a confrontation with The Canker by the end of the week. So that’s good news.”

“The Canker? You dare suggest that I, the mighty Distributor, Bane of the Virtuous, Scourge of the Benevolent, Walker of the Jays, fight the likes of a guy with a contagious mouth? I would never stoop so low!”

“Well, Mr. Disasterous…”

“The Distributor!”

“Well Mr. The Distributor, The Canker is the only available person in your category who is open for the next few weeks. So you can either fight him, or you can simply not renew your registration.”

“Yeah! I might just do that! Go rogue. Hit the streets like villains were intended. I don’t know why we unionized in the first place. It’s dumb. You guys just steal my money for nothing!”

“Bingo genius. We’re villains. That’s what we do.”

“Alright then…what’s your name again?”

“I never said it the first time, but if you read my nametag sir, you’ll see that my name is Gene.”

“Gene? Hmmm…Gene. That sounds familiar.”

“It’s an extremely popular name. All the LA heartthrobs have it. Now if there’s nothing else, you’re holding up the line. The gentleman behind you…”

My name is Fluorescent Man.”

“The Fluorescent Man, (great name by the way, very memorable) needs our services. Please move out of the way or I’ll call over my coworker Dr. Brooks.”

“I remember you now! You’re the ass I spoke to on the phone six years ago when I was trying to schedule a fight with the Paladin! You couldn’t get my name right back then either!”

“Very possible sir. I talk to many villains, both memorable and forgettable alike. I guess you fall into the latter.”

“Listen you clip-on-tie-wearing, ink-stain-on-your-pocket-having, hairstyle-looking-like-he-just-got-into-90s-episodes-of-ER-George-Clooney-cut-sporting, face-like-a-melting-fetus-left-in-the-local-dump-for-a-week-in-August-looking, smegma-dipped-in-horseshit-smelling bureaucrat: this isn’t over. I’m going to get all my shit renewed and then I’m going to come back and deliver upon you a torture so slow, so painful, so deliberate, that not only will it be a masterclass on how to fully demoralize your enemy and steal their soul, but it will have you wishing you could travel back in time and kill your mom Terminator style so you were never born and would not have to endure such misery!”

“Ok sir. Have a nice day. NEXT!”