Thursday, March 17, 2011

Now is the Nuclear Winter of our Discontent*

The recent disaster in Japan has a lot of people worried about everything nuclear and radioactive. Ridiculously paranoid people all over this great country of ours (Motto: There’s no reaction like a knee-jerk reaction!) have been trying to prepare for the “inevitable” fallout from the reactors in Japan. People aren’t sure whether said fallout will come in the form of a giant cloud of radioactive dust that they’ll inhale, or enormous, mutated birds and insects that will swoop down from the skies and gobble them up, (I, for one, welcome our new Mothra overlords.)

So, as a public service, I offer these tips on how to survive the upcoming nuclear holocaust. You’re welcome.

1. The first thing to know is what you’re dealing with. What exactly is a nuclear? How does fission work? Who is a cooling rod? Why a duck? These are all very good questions, and the more educated you are, the better you’ll be able to survive the end of days with the proper amount of limbs and the least amount of tumors.

Nuclear energy scares people, because they don’t know how it works. But it’s actually very simple. Benjamin Franklin accidentally invented atoms in 1783, while he trying to make a new cure for the syphilis he contracted from a French whore. And, as we all recall from elementary school, atoms are composed of three parts: Mitosis, the Cosine and the Santa Maria.

Nuclear power occurs when atoms are smashed with huge mallets, (scientifically called “Huge Smashy things for Atoms.” This is basically the same process as Jack Lalanne’s juicer machine, but with less pulpy residue. When the atoms are smushed, the juice that’s collected is often very, very hot, so they go into special containers that very much resemble thermoses from Flintstone’s lunchboxes. Those thermoses need to be kept in cold, wet places (such as bathtubs filled with ice water) so that they don’t go kablooey (another scientific term.) The current situation in Japan is that they aren’t currently submerged in cold water as they should be, meaning the radiation is leaking in the form of a gas, escaping into the air.

2. The second thing to know is how much danger you are in currently and in the near future. Right now, if you’re reading this, you’re probably in America, (if you’re not reading this, you’re screwed.) Which means that you’re relatively safe. Unless you’re in Hawaii, in which my suggestion is that you make a coconut boat and paddle the hell to the main land.

The prevailing winds shouldn’t push and radioactive cloud over to our shores, meaning you can quit reading this blog, grab a beer, put your feet up and enjoy some reality TV.

…Okay, are they gone? Good. That last paragraph was a test, and if you continued to read, that means you pass! Those who quit reading will be the first to die horrible, cancerous deaths, while we’re sitting comfortably, alive and laughing at the misfortune of our countrymen. Because the truth is that radioactivity can affect you at any time, in any place. Much like pedophiles, Scientologists, people who wear scarves in the summer and bad drivers, radiation is all around you. Radiation is in your toothpaste, your iPhones, your online multiplayer video games, your socks, your fingernails and even in your contact lenses, (or glasses). There’s no avoiding radiation.

But how can the people who make those items get away with it? You may be asking. Simply put, big business owns the government. The major corporations, (of which there’s two: Omni Consumer Products and the Weyland-Yutani Corporation) have all politicians in their pockets, man! Wake up and open your eyes, sheeple! You’ve gotta rage against the machine man!

Whew! Sorry about that. I just flashed back to my Haight-Ashbury days. Anyway, Just remember, radiation is everywhere, and while it can’t be avoided, you can escape from it.

3. My third point is how to escape radiation and its inherent problems. There are a few different approaches to this. The first is the most basic, but not the easiest, because it involves time travel. If you have a time machine handy, you can either travel to the future, after the nuclear winter, sometime around… 10,000 years from now, when all the radiation is gone. Or you can travel to way before the nuclear death and live it up until end times. The choice is yours.

The second approach is known as the Howard Hughes Method, or, if you live on the East Coast, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Method. In the Midwest, it’s called Pulling a Ned Flanders. Basically, you cut yourself off from the rest of their world, either in your germ-free penthouse apartment, or underground, in a concrete bunker or the sewers. The only disadvantage of living in the sewers is that you could end up becoming a Morlock, which is never a good look and can seriously mess up your tan. But hey, at least you’ll still be alive and radiation-free!

4. In case you’re not sure if you’re alive and radiation-free, here are some things to look for and what to expect. Tell-tale signs of radiation poisoning/sickness:

• Moist armpits

• Slight nausea

• Addicted to watching The Jersey Shore

• Wobbly thigh fat

• Two heads

• A tail

• Dead eyes, like a doll’s eyes

• Doc Brown hair

• Hair on the bottom of your feet

• Inverted nipples

• Lactating nipples (on men only)

If you show any of those symptoms, then there’s a 50/50 chance that you have radiation poisoning. If this is the case, the first thing to do is DO NOT PANIC. Panicking is the easiest way for people to label you a monster and chase you around with torches and pick forks.

Instead, calm down and take account of your situation. First of all, there are some advantages of radiation poisoning. You may develop the ability to glow in the dark, which you can use to scare small children on Halloween. Or, you may develop super strength, which is always a plus. Your skin could turn a different, unnatural color, which the ladies always find attractive. Or you could mutate into an entirely new and fascinating form of life. It’s like I say, always look on the bright side of life!

So, with that little primer on dealing with radiation poisoning and nuclear fallout, you no longer need to irrationally fear our future. Now you can fear our future with confidence and knowledge. After all, if this trend continues, our future will be so bright, we’ll have to wear shades.

* Okay, so it’s not currently winter, but I needed something to make that title work