Thursday, January 17, 2008

I'm out this piece! (non funny blog)

Greetings, my name is Joshua Hutcheson and I’m not a patriot.
As you may or may not know, I was a journalist in the army for over five years. In that time I went to Iraq twice, for a year each. In fact, I created Eighty-Four Glyde when I was in Iraq back in 2006.
I joined the army prior to 9/11 because I was homeless and wanted food, clothes, money, electricity and the ability to wash my smelly body. War was the last thought on my mind. Hey, we’re the last super-power in the world, who would mess with us?
I put Nostradamus to shame.
Upon my return from Iraq in the fall of 06, my time in active duty was over. I was free to become a civilian again, enjoying all the freedoms that come with that status. No more having to get up at ridiculous hours to work out. I could (and did) let my belly grow as big as Santa’s. No more having to pepper my conversations with the words sergeant, sir or ma’am. No more having to wear a dumb camouflaged outfit every day.
I was able to enjoy a little over a year of being a fat, lazy slob.
Last month, I got orders reactivating me as a soldier. I have to report to Ft. Jackson this weekend to be reintegrated into the military life. By this spring I’ll probably be back in the Middle East. Could be Afghanistan. Most likely Iraq. For my third time.
The army’s got to be pretty hard up if they need to reactivate journalists.
Anyway, I tell you that to tell you this, this is going to be the last Eighty-Four Glyde for a while. I’m not quitting completely, just putting the blog on hold until my life isn’t in such a state of flux. Plus, I’m really bummed out about the whole scene and don’t feel very funny.
This is all pretty damn depressing. I feel like an indentured servant. Or slave. I don’t get to have a life. I can’t make any plans for the future because I’m not free. That’s shitty. I want to be a normal person, but I can’t, because every time I think I’m out, they pull me back in! Imagine not being able to say for certain what you’ll be doing in a year. You can’t put down roots, you can’t make any plans because your life isn’t yours. It belongs to the government, to do with as they wish (and all they ever wish is to shit on you.)
Like I said in the first sentence, I’m not a patriot. I’m not a hero, noble or any of the other attributes you see in those dumb ass army commercials. I have no desire to go to another country and shoot people because our retarded president back in Washington thinks it would be neat. This war is a sham. It’s a joke. The war and our insipid government have cost us thousands of lives and billions of dollars, with no end in sight. I say this now because once I’m back in, I won’t be able to say these things. I will have to tow the company line and be a good little boy. So this is my last chance to say how much I hate the war.
I’m not looking for pity. I stupidly signed the contract to be a soldier when I was 20, (though it wasn’t until after I signed that they pointed out that I had just signed for five years, instead of the two years I was led to believe.) So it’s my own damn fault. But seriously, who would have guessed that they’d be calling journalists back up? It boggles the mind.
There’s a lot on my mind and a lot of things I want to say, but I don’t want to take up the space and it really won’t make a difference how much I whine and complain. I just have to suck it up and do it until I’m either dead from an IED or allowed to go free as a civilian once more (at which point I’m moving to another country, no joke.)
I instead will take this time to tell you (my one reader) that I really appreciate that you read the wacky stuff I write. Thank you. The people who read this blog really make it all worth it. I’m humbled that anybody outside of my immediate family would think highly enough of what I write to actually take the time to read it. I’m not a Myspace “Top Blogger” or even a blip on the Myspace blog radar. I like it that way. That way I get to write about the things I want, instead of trying to create a legion of sheep that’ll do anything I want. That’s lame. I don’t write drama blogs and I don’t write blogs badmouthing other people because they have opinions I don’t like, (or maybe I have, I dunno. I’ve written over 140 something entries and I don’t remember them all). People who do that are pathetic and stuck in a high school popularity mentality. I pity them.
So thanks to all of you who bother reading Eighty-Four Glyde. It makes me happy to know that people actually do care and enjoy reading my work. That’s why it’s going to be sad to have to put Eighty-Four Glyde on hiatus. I mean, what will you all do instead? Go outside? Play catch? Spend quality time with your families? That’s crazy talk!
Well, that’s all I’ve got, so thanks for reading and I’ll catch up with you later. Peace.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Glyde and Eighty-Four

Happy 2nd Birthaversary Eighty-Four Glyde!

Way back in ye olden days of 2006, I decided to write a blog to impress a chick, (cause I was under the mistaken impression that I can be funny from time to time. Go figure!) Two years and 140-something entries later, we arrive at the second anniversary of Eighty-Four Glyde's birth. Last year I decided to explain just what the hell Eighty-Four Glyde means and the origins of my blog. This year, I decided to do one better and and actually take myself and all of you (all one of you) to the figurative birthplace of Eighty-Four Glyde. So, I grabbed a couple of friends, a few brews, a few video cameras and a whole mess of wackiness, jumped in a car and made the four-hour journey to those hidden towns in rural Pennsylvania.

These are the results of that journey. Enjoy!

Part 1: The journey begins. Glyde.

Part 2: Eighty-Four and an explosive ending

I hope you enjoyed that. I'd like to thank my boys John, Tres and Pat for coming out with me and getting on my last damn nerve, and John for doing a damn fine job for filming and editing. I'd also like to thank my readers for taking the time to read the weirdness that spews from my head. Without you guys (and gals) I'd just write directions translated from Chinese and Japanese.

Random musings from a deranged mind

* Was John Candy really that funny, or was he just a fat guy that people liked to laugh at?
* Is global warming such a bad thing? I don't mind a few warmer days in the year. Cold weather sucks.
* On the other hand, a white Christmas every once in a while would be nice.
* Why are doors the size they are? People are constantly moving in and out of places and they have to get degrees in physics just to figure out how to get the couch through the door. Who decided to make doors the size they are?
* I've been balding since I was 16. I don't mind it, but I've always wanted a set of fabulous bangs.
* I've decided to be a water conservationist. From now on, instead of washing my clothes, I'm just going to buy new ones. And instead of taking showers every day, I'm just going to go through the car wash with my windows down.
* The 80s were pretty weird, weren't they?
* What's this decade called? The naughts? For that matter, what will the next decade be called? I just can't live in a non-labeled time period.
* I wouldn't bang Amy Winehouse if you gave me a million dollars.
* Living a good life isn't the best revenge, stabbing somebody in the spinal cord and paralyzing their ass is.
* I've never watched a complete episode of American Idol in my life. And you know what? I don't feel that I'm missing a thing. Same goes for every other reality show out there.
* After saying that I was an analog guy who eschews technology in a previous entry, I got an iPod for Christmas. Life's a funny old thing.
* The Joker is one of the coolest villains out there, (Lex Luthor is the other one) his insanity brings a certain amount of freedom to life that I'm jealous of. I'd love to turn around to that guy in the movie theater who's talking on his phone and just squirt some horribly disfiguring acid on his face.
* Religion causes more problems than it solves, doesn't it? I think I've said that before. I wish Jesus would just show up and roundhouse kick Bush out of office.
* I'm thinking about letting just the hair on my neck grow out. It'll be a new fashion statement: neck-beards.
* Samuel L. Jackson is a complete bad ass, isn't he?
* I think I could take the Pope in a fight.
* I've decided to retire from work. I really don't like working.
* There sure are a lot of ugly people out there. Nudist colonies are full of them.
* I heard that American accents just make European ladies moist. I'm not sure I believe it.
* I wish I had prehensile toes and legs that bend the other way, then I could climb trees all day and enjoy the views.
* Racism is still as strong as ever people, don't think for a moment that it's gone away or even abated since the 60s. Unconscious racial profiling and stereotypes permeate our school history books. American children are taught to be bigots and they don't even realize it.
* Blogging doesn't pay like it should. It hasn't gotten me laid yet.
* Garbage men don't get enough respect. They spend their lives dealing with peoples' refuse and nobody ever thanks them. Of course, they get a lot of free shit, so I guess it evens out.
* I think that being a crime-scene photographer has got to be one of the grossest jobs around. I don't care how many dead naked chicks I get to take pictures of.
* Who invented money? That person was a jerk.
* Since I was 17 I haven't lived in the same place for longer than a year. After 10 years of moving I'm a wee bit tired of it. I need a Fortress of Solitude.
* If I could have one super power, it'd be the ability to teleport myself anywhere instantaneously. No bank or women's changing room would be safe!
* There sure are a lot of fetishes out there. I don't judge. In Japan there's a fetish for women who are underwater without goggles. Guys get off on seeing women trying to blink the chlorine out of their eyes, I guess.
* I would love to have the A-Team van.
* I'm thinking of converting to being a carnivore. Gotta battle this vegetarianism fad somehow. As Maddox once said: "For every one animal you don't eat, I'll eat three!"
* I annoy a lot of people. It's not intentional, I just have a gift.