The other day I got an email from a nice gentleman by the name of Mr. Ebede Edward, the Director of Projects Implementation, South Africa Ministry of Mining and Natural Resources. Usually my inbox is full of emails offering me ways to increase my penis size, (not worth it, I’ve tried them all and I’ve actually shrunk! Blast you modern science!) and a variety of sexual products, and I just dump them all in the trash without even reading them. But when I got that email from such an obviously prestigious and important person, (he even calls himself Mr. Ebede Edwards!) I dropped everything I was doing, (scratching my ass) to read what this man had to say. And it’s a good thing I did!
It quickly became apparent to me that Mr. Ebede Edwards needs my help. He started off the email by giving me his credentials, just to let me know what an upstanding and honest guy he is, (he must be, he’s a government employee, those guys are above ethical reproach!) Then he went on to explain to me his situation.
As the head of some kind of official committee to audit his department’s accounts, he and his team discovered something interesting. From what I can gather, (it’s hard to understand because it seems that English isn’t Mr. Edebe Edward’s first, second or third language. But I’m sure it’s because he was so busy and important that he didn’t have the time to write is own email and whomever he was dictating to couldn’t write for shit) the committee discovered a surplus of $14,500,000 in an escrow account, ("escrow" being one of those adult-type words that make things sound more official and legit.)
This is where I come in. I can help Mr. Ebede Edwards and his government get rid of this money properly. See, the money was originally meant to pay off an African contractor, but they guy died in a car accident that was absolutely nobody’s fault. Well, I guess Mr. Ebede and his people put up flyers around South Africa trying to give the money back to its rightful owner, but had no luck, because from what I understand from the poorly-spelled email, they’re stuck with the $14.5 million and can’t get rid of it! How sad for them. I’d be happy to take that money off their hands for them, because that’s just the kind of nice guy I am.
Luckily, it seems that I have the same last name as the dead contractor, so all I have to do is stand in as a relative of his and they’ll transfer the money in my account. Imagine my surprise to learn that I, as a black guy, with a family name (Hutcheson) that was taken from the Scottish slave owners of my ancestors, have the same name as some black guy in Africa with no apparent ties to Scotland! What are the odds?!
Once the money is transferred to my account for holding, it will then mostly be transferred somewhere else. Mr. Ebede doesn’t mention where it’ll be transferred, nor why, but I assume that it’s some matter of national security, and of the utmost importance. Then, for helping the African government move this money around for really vital purposes, they’ll leave 20 percent in my account! I don’t know math, so I haven’t done the calculations, but it’s at least a couple hundred bucks easy!
I don’t know where Mr. Ebede Edwards got my email address from, perhaps the African government keeps very good records of the world’s best bloggers, perhaps he is simply a fan of Eighty-Four Glyde. I don’t know. And it’s not important. Once I discovered that I could help fellow humans in need I sprang into action!
I immediately responded to my new South African friend to see how I could help. He quickly replied, thanking me for my help, and told me that all I had to do was give him my bank account numbers, social security number, driver’s license number, weight, height, blood-type, credit card number and fingerprints. I accepted his thanks as my due and with all alacrity sent him all the info he needed. Now all I have to do is sit back and let the money flow into my account.
Ahhhh, it feels so good to be helpful sometimes, you know?