(originally written Wednesday, January 25, 2006)
Hello and welcome to another episode of What The F*ck?
Today I will be answering made-up questions posed by you: the made-up readers! As a soldier in Iraq, Ive been asked so many questions, so many times, that I feel I could confidently predict anything anybody could possibly want to know. And, to spice things up and add a little bit of calente flavor, the questions will be posed by your favorite dead historical figures!
Q: Why are we in Iraq? Ghengis K.
A: Good question Ghengis. America is in Iraq because we have a vital need for beach volleyball sand. Thats right, America is severely lacking in the resource most needed for a good game of beach volleyball. Because of this, our male and female beach volleyball teams have been unable to compete as well as they should in the global beach volleyball scene. Iraq has the perfect sand, which we need to assert volleyball superiority over the forces of evil!
Q: Are a lot of soldiers really dying over there? - Florence N.
A: Oddly enough, its not really Iraq thats killing military service members. Its the trip over here. You see, according to Dr. Stephen Hawking, a tear in the Space/Time Continuum makes the journey over here actually take several years. If you dont believe me, just ask one of the survivors of these horrible sojourns. Because of the amount of time it takes, soldiers are dying of thirst and hunger long before they arrive in the Middle East. Many attempt to rise to their feet and jump out of the plane, but the cramped seats and lower-body immobility leaves their legs withered and atrophied, just like your grandmothers, and the soldier is too weak to stand. Shame really.
Q: So what do you do over there? George W.
A: Well, as you all know Im a journalist. So Ispend massive quantities of time scratching my ass. Next question please.
Q: Okay, so youre a journalist. Do you get to carry a gun? Issac N.
A: As everybody knows, journalists arent really people. Were actually parasites who latch on to a host organism and feed off of them until they die. All smart journalists make sure to latch onto people who are heavily armed. That way, when theyre defending themselves, they cant help but protect the reporter as well. Some journalists arent smart enough to find the right host, they are quickly weeded out and destroyed. Just as Mother Nature intended.
Q: Oh yeah? Well, have you ever killed anybody? John W.
A: Not while in Iraq. Im saving up. You see, were all given a certain amount of bullets when we come over here. The more you keep and bring back to America, (where they are put in storage, never, ever to be used) the more prizes you get from the government! Im going for the houseboat.
Q: When are you coming back to America Harpo M.
A: As soon as I can find Nicole Simpsons real killer. O.J. has put me on some intel that the guy is over here somewhere. As soon as I find him Ill let you know.
Q: Are Iraqis nice? - Ghandi
A: Yes. They have invited me to be their king. But then I pointed out that were trying to give them the gift of democracy, and they will no longer have any kind of dictator or tyrant. Sadly, they were not happy with this news and ended their relationship with me. It was an amicable split though. I get visitation rights to Babylon two weekends a month.
Q: Do you think anybody got that last joke? Ray C.
A: Sure, there are a lot of divorced people out there.
Q: So whats the situation with peoples love lives out there? Cyrano de B.
A: Love is a many splendored thing. At least, thats what people tell me. Other than that, Ive got no clue. Lets just say, sales in Trojan, Sheik and others, jump every time soldiers are away from America.
Q: Wow, that was in very poor taste. How could you make a generalization like that?! Susan B. A.
A: Because, this is my show.
Q: Is there anything that we, as Americans, can do to make things easier for the people over there? John Q. P.
A: Thats a great question. Yes, in fact there is something you can do. The powers-that-be dont want me to say this, but they cant stop me here! I must speak the truth and let everybody back in the United States know! This is of the utmost importance! Please, please, whatever you do, dont !@$!@OJI#!RJIJQJ#)(R#!!)(#!U))*$)*!#)*$#U
DUE TO TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES, THIS PROGRAM WILL BE UNABLE TO CONTINUE. PLEASE TUNE IN LATER, FOR ANOTHER EPISODE OF WHAT THE F*CK?! THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT.