And yet, somehow, a more fitting title could never be dreamed up. How odd.
Anyway I got some new problems that I’m going to lay out for all of you, (because that’s what I do, I whine and complain in a humorous way. I’d tell you to call me Bitterman, but I’m sure that’s copyright infringement on the comic strip).
Contrary to what my second autobiography, (Joshua: A story of Love, Adventure and Saturday Morning Cartoons) says about my accomplishments, I know that I didn’t invent or discover myspace.com (motto: A place for friends, white teenage girls trying to flaunt how sexy they are even though their asses and chests are concave, and old perverts who enjoy the easy, one-stop shopping of the site.) Nor was I even among the first people to use the site. Nay, I joined on the bandwagon late in the game, realizing this was a great way to prey upon young, naïve girls, (just kidding). Hell, I’ve been living a lie these past few months. You may have heard me at parties, three sheets to the wind, boisterously bragging that “Tom” and I are friends in real life and threatening people to prove otherwise. Sadly, this is not the case. I’m the only person in the history of Myspace whom Tom has dropped from his friends list. That was the day I turned to the bottle for solace.
Yet, I feel that, even as the Johnny-come-lately that I am, that there are some things we can do to improve the place overall. I mean, if we all cooperated in the spirit of unity and togetherness, we could make Myspace a lil slice ‘o heaven. Know what I mean? Do I dare to submit my ideas to the community?
It’d be a pretty damn short and boring entry if I didn’t!
1. Ladies, ladies, ladies, sorry that this first suggestion/rule will hit so close to home for most of you, but I say it in the idea of progress. Limit yourselves to one(1) picture of any pets you may have. In case you have many pets, just do a group shot. You don’t actually have to be in the picture with the animal(s) they know they’re loved. This applies to guys as well, but women are the biggest offenders.
2. This second suggestion is really just a follow up to the first one. You have a child or children; that’s great, but they’re really not that cute or attractive to people who aren’t related to them. Limit one picture as well. This is for both men and women, but I’m more concerned about the women. There’s nothing worse than trying to check out the other pics of some chick to see how cute she is and all you get is 10 pictures of her proudly holding up the results of some drunken mistake, (ummm, I’m talking about people in general, nobody in particular, so don’t get mad). That’s not hot! That’s what photo albums are for. Wait until you snare and trap a guy in some loveless and stifling relationship before you beat him over the head with the insanity that is your life!
3. It took me months to figure this out, (and because it’s more important to girls than guys I bet most guys still don’t know it) but the Top Eight, (16, 32 what have you) is in order! Deal with it! If you don’t agree with this concept, then please put a disclaimer somewhere on your page voicing your outrage to the very idea of ranking people on a site about friends.
4. As much as I dislike the idea of “friend-whores” (you know who you are. Hundreds of friends on Myspace, and maybe two friends in real life) I can’t make any rules about them, since this is a place for friends. But I suggest that regardless of the number of friends you have, you should write a comment or message to them at least once a month. If you do not receive anything in return within a month period, drop that person, cause they ain’t your friend. Don’t have more friends than you can keep up with.
5. Bulletins: Nobody reads them, so quit writing them unless you’re promoting an event. I’ve had dozens of people ask me (I don’t know why) if there’s a code to disable the bulletins. I don’t know, but it shows that people just hate the damn things.
6. This ties in with suggestion/rule four. Unless you know the members personally, bands aren’t your friends. Same goes for Tila Tequila!
7. Keep the backgrounds of your pages simple. There’s only one thing worse than a page that takes ten minutes to load, and that’s a page with such a convoluted background that you develop serious eye problems attempting to decipher the size 10 words thereon.
8. There’s no rule saying that you have to use your own name in your profile, but it’d be nice if your real name was somewhere on your page. Just for those people from your past who think they might have found you can be sure. Besides calling yourself Da Pimp Master, or somesuch shit, really isn’t that original.
9. Speaking of people’s names in their profiles, don’t do stupid ass designs with parentheses and asterisks and shit like that around your name. It’s annoying and insulting to anybody unfortunate enough to come across your page.
10. Here’s the most controversial suggestion: everybody should put up one naked picture of themselves. Wouldn’t that be interesting to see everybody starkers? (not family members, that wouldn’t be cool.) I mean, you can’t hide with some shit like that. You’re just out there for everybody to see, no faking. Oh, and the pictures should be taken once a month and kept fresh.
11. Everybody should read Eighty-Four Glyde, (but you knew that one already didn’t you? Cause you read it!)