Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Spring Cleaning

(Originally written Saturday, June 10, 2006)

Alright, I'm cleaning out my Eighty-Four Glyde closet. Included are some Columns that I started, but never got around to finishing, either because I didn't have time, I lost my train of thought or I just wasn't interested in finishing. Some were time sensitive and stopped being topical after about a second. Some could offend, so I never finished. Anyway, here's everything I've written, in its entirety. Sorry theyre incomplete, I'm just trying to get rid of everything I've got thats Eighty-Four Glyde related. Consider this stuff like all those Tupac albums that keep coming out every so often. Tracks that Tha Row have that suck, but they;re still going to try and cash in on them. Or as Dave Chappelle said: "Tonight were going to eat all snout."

Genius or perverted genius?

So on 420, this really old dude, (76 years old to be precise) was arrested down in Miami. He was charged with sexual assault, but I have to wonder if thats really what it was.

You see, he was arrested for pretending to be a door-to-door breast inspector. He was caught after a woman became suspicious and called the cops on him. Maybe she didn't believe his official looking badge or something. No wait, I just checked the story and it seemed what roused her suspicion was the fact that he wasn't wearing rubber gloves. She must have believed him at first, because she took all her clothes off and he was already in the middle of his exam when she realized he was not employing proper hygiene. She called the cops and he fled, although I don't really think you'd call trying to make an escape at the age of 76 fleeing, more like a slow but determined retreat.

When the cops eventually picked Dr. Feelgood up, he had already given exams to at least two other women. How crazy is that? How much of a Gump do you have to be to believe that some weird old man showing up at your front door, offering to do a little booby-fondling under the guise of a medical exam, is legit? I figure that's why they booked him under a sexual assault charge, simply because they couldn't book him under a charge of embarrassing some grown-ass women who should have known better. He didn't force himself on them; he didn't get them drunk or give them drugs. He just asked to touch a titty. Who knows, maybe he was able to alert some woman just in time. I would also conjecture that he could possibly have some medical training.

The five hottest women in the world

It is my opinion that everybody should have a list of the five hottest members of the opposite sex. This list should be made up of Hollywood stars and musical icons. While youre considering who would be in your top five, consider my list, which I made about 10 years ago.

1. Salma Hayek. Easily the most beautiful woman in the world, she blows away the competition. Though she appeared in Mexican soap operas back in the day, she wasnt on La Madrastra, therefore nobody watched her. Her first big movie was Desperado, where she played a hot chick. She continued in this way, appearing in movies as a hot chick, (or hot vampire) until her lapse and uncharacteristic portrayal of Frieda Kalho, in the movie Frieda. Though Frieda was known for her wild love affairs with both men and women, she had a ridiculous unibrow and a mustache thats better than one I've ever been able to grow. She lost mucho points for being in this movie. Luckily, she made these points up when she broke up with Ed Norton, who was totally undeserving of her.
2. Rosario Dawson. Rosario is a recent addition to the list. Prior to her, this spot was held by Jennifer Lopez. Sadly, Jennifer started to become too full of herself, obsessed with money, (her love don't cost a thing? How come she ain't married to some poor dude?) aware of how sexy and sultry she is and spent too much time trying to convince everybody shes still from the streets. She had to be permanently taken off the list, shes too overexposed!

I spent many moons racking my brain over who could fill her spot.


Seriously though, why all the fuss about missing white girls? I mean, either give all races equal treatment on this issue, or just stop reporting it. Nobody cares enough about any of it. Why not just expand the faces on the back of milk cartons idea? We could put faces on cigarette packages, beer bottles, backs of porn magazines and Big Mac wrappers. That'd about cover places every American would notice.

Ever notice how, when something happens involving teens, or people who havent yet reached adulthood, the media try to make the parents feel like ignorant losers? A kid died a few months ago playing that game where you pass out. Remember doing that when you were a kid? I did it plenty, and it was fun. The media got a hold of the game, called it the "Choking Game" in capital letters, put it inside quotation marks and pretended like it was something they just discovered, which adults never knew existed.

The media keep talking about Myspace, (motto: a place for friendsand creepy old sexual predators) and how kids are doing all these things behind parents backs. If reporters are right, kids are getting away with all types of stuff and their parents are blissfully unaware of anything going on in their childrens lives. Who are these absentee parents? The same invisible parents of Sally and Charlie Brown?

Workout regiment of the Gods!

While in America one day, a friend asked me if I'd like to join him in a trip to his gym. We could get in a great workout and meet some interesting and ripe smelling women.

I naturally jumped at the chance to potentially due serious harm to my weak and flabby body.

Country Music: The official music of patriots

Fiddling with the dial, (I'm talking radio dials here, lets keep it clean people) of the radio in any backwater, (a word whose meaning is lost in the annals of time, though I guess I could look it up were I not so damn lazy) in America will most likely bring in the melodious strains of one of the countrys most popular forms of music: country music.

I'm not here to judge ...oh wait, yes I am. And today I'm going to focus my steely gaze and severe (but humorous) criticizing mind on this type of music and its connection to the American military.

So, country music. What can I say about country music that hasn't already been said a million times? It's extremely booty? Thats been covered. It all pretty much sounds the same? Yep, we all know that already.

Why do people listen to country music? Why do they like it so much? Why are so many country artists writing patriotic songs?

And there you go, some of these suck and some of them had some potential. Hell, perhaps one day I'll actually finish up my list of five hottest chicks in the world, I know some people might be curious to see the rest of the list. Some people, (Veronica) already know.

Thats it, I'm done! I'm ready to start fresh again.

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