Tuesday, July 25, 2006

The new (and improved) SATs

(Originally written Wednesday, May 03, 2006)

High school students fear it, college administrators live by it and most adults have forgotten the pain and suffering it can cause.

I'm talking about the SATs. The scores people receive on that test may very well determine the college they get into and therefore the outcome of their very lives! Nothing in the history of human existence has ever been as important as the SATs. We must all bow down and worship at the altar of SATs!

Theres just one small problem -- the test is straight booty. As a measure of a persons intelligence and ability to do well in school, it has been measured and found wanting, big time. It doesn't really figure out anybody's aptitude in anything except, maybe, staying awake during times of intense boredom.

Due to the fact that its used by colleges are proof as intelligence, the SATs have come under oodles of fire, and more name changes than Sean Combs. At first it was known as the Scholastic Aptitude Test. But that wasn't good enough for people since, as mentioned earlier, it doesn't actually measure aptitude. Then, it was changed to the Scholastic Assessment Test, until some grammar Nazis pointed out that they can drop either the word assessment or test, as using both is redundant.

So now, and here's the beautiful thing, SAT doesn't stand for anything. Its just SAT. Isn't that just the bees knees?

Want to know a secret? I took the SATs three times. That's right, thrice, (for those who want to know the score, too bad. I'm going to follow my friend Veronica's playbook and reveal nothing!) And guess what: I cheated the last time! Yeah! You know how the proctor says you're not allowed to look back at previous section once you've moved on? Well I did! I threw all caution to the wind and flipped back to previous sections at will! I really needed the help too. As previously mentioned my math skills are about as good as Bob Doles ability to get it up without Viagra: nonexistent. Besides, at least I was doing something with my spare time. My peers would all sleep after finishing a section, (I bet some of you did it to.)

Anyway, the SATs are outdated. No longer relevant. Pointless. A relic of society group-think that is no longer popular.

It's time for a change. And I am going to be the instrument of that change, because I'm just that type of guy.

First off, all math questions should be true or false, that way math 'tards like myself have only a 50-50 percent chance of getting something wrong, instead of a 75 percent chance. I like those odds.

We should put more of an emphasis on spelling words, not so much on pointless analogies. I mean, do we really need to know that Taint is to Gooch as Toupee is to Merkin? No. We need people to know when to use their, there and they're. And other such basic constructs of the English language, cause they're some relly stupid peopel out their.

We should also add a Spanish section. Because regardless of how some people hate to admit it, use of that language is growing. Did you know that Hispanics now make up the largest minority group in the United States? Well I knew it, which is why I decided to spread the knowledge. A Spanish section would be good because I like empanadas, (except for the egg part. Whats that about?) and because I swear I'm getting cussed out by some people all the time and I have no idea what theyre saying. Its time to combat that.

By far, the most important part of the SATs would be a section on common sense. Heres a sampling of how that would go:

1) Jumping off your garage to impress your friends is:

a) Stupid b) Just going to end up as a clip on somebodys Myspace page

c) Bound to lead to d) Dude, that would be sweet!
severe injuries and

2) You're a female 16-year-old junior in high school. You're about to have unprotected sex with your boyfriend. Your thoughts at the moment are:

a) This may not be the best idea b) if its a boy I'll
name him Bart, if
its a girl I'll call her Lisa

c) Is there a cure for AIDS yet? d) uh-oh

The beauty of the new common sense section is that theres a 75 percent chance of getting the right answer. It should help people to see the errors of their ways. The new SATs will not just help colleges figure out who they should allow the benefit of giving them bank account-crippling amounts of money, but will help people get through their regular lives too. Hell, I'm a genius for figuring this out. All this from a guy who didn't even score in the double digits in the old version. What can I say?

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