Tuesday, July 25, 2006

My sense of romance isn’t here right now. Can I take a message?

(Originally written Saturday, February 11, 2006)

NOBODY PANIC!! Everybody just relax. If you all will, for your own personal safety, please assume a crash position, we will try to get through this St. Valentine’s Day with the minimum amount of turbulence and hurt feelings.
That’s right; it’s that time of the year again. The time when some people feel worthless, (no, I don’t mean their birthdays) and unloved unless they have a special somebody to cherish and hold, and waste hard-earned money on.
It’s kind of a shame that we’ve all fallen victims to this well-marketed holiday. There’s really no justification for it. And what I think is even funnier is how another, poor man’s version of Valentine’s Day was created in the Midwest to give card companies more money. Sweetest Day? Come on people!
If you are alone this year, don’t feel left out. It’s probably because your special someone is off somewhere cheating on you. Ha! Seriously though, lots of people are alone, some of them on purpose. I’m sure that there’s, like, millions of people in the United States who will be buying themselves a box of chocolates this February 14th. Nobody I know though. One of the symptoms of the Army that Soldiers are very susceptible to is the hasty marriage. It seems like so many people, as soon as they join the military, (at the age of 18 or so) get married to the first Hooters waitress, with blonde hair and a smile involving more than 60 percent of their teeth, that they see. I won’t fall for that shit!
Anyway, I feel bad for couples because they are forced to spend money to declare their love. I don’t get it. Why should I buy you flowers just because this is the socially acceptable day to do so? I loved you February 13th, and I’ll love you February 15th. Why don’t I buy you flowers one of those days?
Oh well, anything to stimulate the sluggish American economy!
The only thing worse than couples are the people who’ve convinced themselves that they are independent and strong and don’t need anybody on Valentine’s Day. In the face of so much romance they defiantly, nay violently, announce to the world that they are above such things.
The sad thing is that they have to convince themselves of that fact. “Valentine’s Day is no big deal. It doesn’t mean anything to me,” they repeat over and over to themselves like a mantra, hoping that it will eventually become a self-fulfilling prophesy. Deep inside themselves, they know that they do care, and that makes them bitter, bitter people. What a shame. They need to eat more sweethearts.
This is another case where being truly indifferent to events works in your favor. If you honestly don’t care, then it’s all good. If you honestly do care, then go buy something for somebody. Make sure it’s incredibly sugary, and coated in chocolate.
Do I sound bitter? I’m not. I am exempt from Valentine’s Day, and all emotions involved. What’s my secret? Booze! No, seriously, I’m a ninja. I have been trained to ignore pain and emotions.
My suggestion for you? Booze! Ha! That joke never gets old. Actually, giving things to people always makes me feel better. I would hazard to guess that it would help the love-lorn people out there in internetland as well. So, to feel better, go buy me some shit. Teddy bears, flowers, chocolate, heart-shaped lollipops, whiskey, porn; all are completely viable options.
This Valentine’s Day, spread the love: to me.

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