Tuesday, July 25, 2006

My Life, as told by my lying ass!

(originally written Friday, January 27, 2006)


I have been inspired. Recent events with James Frey and his memoir A Million Little Pieces, have made me realize that I can write my own autobiography without being limited by actual events in my life. It'll be great!
So, without further ado, let me give you selected passages from my memoir.

Joshua: I'm the pinnacle of human existence. Vol. I

Chapter I: I was born in a log cabin that I later helped my father build. Early life was tough out in the unforgiving tundra of Greenland. Luckily I lived in Bora Bora, so I wasn't affected.
I was born to the king of Bora Bora and his third wife. She was a queen and a stunt person as well. In fact that's how she met my father. A movie was being filmed in Bora Bora, -The Adventures of Alan Greenspan, I believe- and she had to perform the most difficult stunt in the film. It was like this: at one point, the hero of the film, and his female companion, are forced to jump off of a cliff through a sea of clouds filled with acid rain, (we're talking hydrochloric acid here) down 4,000 feet of air, and into a river of flaming gasoline. The director was very proud of that stunt, though it had nothing to do with the plot of the movie.
Anyway, it all went off without a hitch, save for the fact that my mom's protective suit came off as soon as she jumped. The whole event left her horribly scarred for life. The director kicked her out of the movie and she was forced to wander around Bora Bora trying to make enough money for her plane ride home, by catching stray cats for the local Chinese restaurant. That was when my father found her.
His mother had leprosy, so he grew up around a really ugly woman. He found my mother to be beautiful and married her immediately.

Chapter III: At the age of ten, every boy in Bora Bora must go through a ritual to become a man. It;s a rite of passage. When I reached the proper age I was scared, because it was a very difficult test. You see, each boy had to successfully create a diverse portfolio of investments which would bring a return of at least 30à Many boys had failed the test and been thrown to the pigeons, (we had terrible, ravenous pigeons there). This is why the ratio of men to women was 2:6. But I'll cover that in my chapter of how I lost my virginity at age 12.
Luckily, I had a shrewd financial advisor for an uncle, and he helped me invest in stocks that were sure to increase. This was how I became the majority owner of Wal-Mart, and I made my first billion before I even had zits.

Chapter IV: Following that incident in Antarctica where I saved the President's life and foiled Dr. Nefarious' plot to take over the world, (as detailed in the last two chapters) I decided to take it easy for a few months. So I moved to Spain.
While there it seemed like a good idea to participate in the annual Running of the Bulls. This is where I met Ernest Hemmingway. (That time machine I invented while in Japan came in handy quite a few times in my life.)
Ernest was a great guy, but he just couldn't hold his liquor. I fondly remember how we'd have drinking contests where the outcome was the same every time, with me as the victor, and Hemmy, (as we all called him) passed out on the floor in a pool of his own sick. Then I'd piss on him. Great times!

Chapter XIX: It seemed like the American public was more distraught over my divorce with Angelina Jolie than I was. With the end of the world's most perfect marriage, people, in despair, stopped believing in love. The suicide rate tripled overnight.
But what people didn't understand was that the divorce was because I had already fallen in love with another: Condelezza Rice. We were wed five months later.

Chapter XXV
: Winning the Nobel Prize for Science and Peace (for uniting Israel and Palestine into one kick-ass ski resort!) left me wondering what I could do next. So I decided to get into the filmmaking business.
Using five billion dollars, (the tiniest fraction of my vast, vast, vast fortune. Vast!) I founded my own movie studio and began to create movies that I wanted to see.
The first movie I produced was Passion of the Christ II: Jesus' Revenge! In this sequel, JC returned from the dead with newly acquired kung-fu abilities. He used his skills, (and his ability to shoot lasers from his eyes) to combat the anti-Semitic forces of evil. It won 13 Oscars.

So there you go, just a small sampling of my great, amazing and wonderful life. You can look for the full 2,000-page first volume in a few months. I can't wait

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