(Originally written Thursday, February 16, 2006)
It's Saturday night, are you ready? You're going out tonight. Places to go, people to meet, all that bullshit. Better start getting prepared.
First things first. Gotta take a shower. You've got all your toiletries laid out for you to use. Products out the ass! Gotta get fresh, gotta stay clean right?
You start off with brushing your teeth, then flossing them. It makes sense, this way any bloody gum residue will be washed away by the end of the shower.
Next comes the face wash. You've got to wash your face, it opens up the pores. That'll make it easier for you to shave later. Plus it helps keep pimples in check.
You wipe all remaining soap out of your eyes after you rinse. It sucks when you burn your eyes with that crap.
Next you wash your body. So many choices with this one. Should you use a wash cloth, loofah sponge or loofah gloves? Well, the wash cloth is good, it's handles the job well. But the sponge is better for exfoliation; it'll definitely get up those layers of dead skin. How do you picture the night ending? If you're going to get any ass, you might want to use the loofah gloves. They do everything the sponge does, plus they can hit up all those nooks and crannies you might otherwise miss, (can anybody say taint?)
Now you've got to wonder, bar soap, or body wash? Most body washes are too fragrant; you've got to stay away from that shit. Just go with a bar of soap, it leaves a fresh, clean scent that the ladies will appreciate. Yeah, go with that.
The trick here is exactly like Jerry Seinfeld said. Let gravity do the work. Start at the top and let the soap clean as it makes its way down your body. Get out of the water before you lather up, or else the water will wash all the soap away before it gets a chance to do its magic on your stank ass. You gotta make sure to get every part of your body. You might even have to give yourself a body cavity search, you never know. Wash it all off, enjoy the hot water. You're almost done now.
A quick shampoo will take care of the hair. Don't need to spend too much time on it, just keep it clean and smelling good.
Body hair, how's it looking? Need a trim anywhere? Nah, you got that shit under control. Might as well check finger and toenails then. The fingernails are really important. Ask any chick, they've got to be short.
Alright, now for the shave. Shower's the best place for it. The steam gets the pores open, (the face wash helped) and it'll make it much easier to get the job done. No fuss, no muss. And most importantly, no blood everywhere, making you look like you just got your red wings. Gross ain't it?
You don't need a shower mirror, it's your face, you've shaved it hundreds, no, thousands of times. You know that shit like the back of your hand, or some other applicable clich.
Finish it off with another face wash, just to get rid of any leftover oil. Now for some clothes.
Nothing too flashy right? I mean, you don't want to give chicks the impression that you spend too much time in front of the mirror. That shit ain't fly. Go with something simple, no need to show off. And you're not a pimp, so you don't need to blind everybody when you walk into a room. Gray, black, those seem to work best. Hook it up with the button-down shirt. The one with the loose collar, or the buttoned collar? Go loose, it might work in your favor.
Pants. Hmmmm, how about some khaki? Again, you're not going to a movie premier, so you don't have to get ridiculous. Simple slacks should do fine. Jeans might work too. Whatever you choose, they should be loose, but not baggy. Stay away from the cargos! Slacks? Alright, go with the jeans. Just don't hit up anywhere tonight if it has a dress code.
Here's the important part: shoes. More often than not women think that they can figure out a guy based on his shoes. They can't really, but as long as they think they think they can, shoes are going to be an issue. No sneakers, that's easy. The shoes have to be like the rest of the outfit, nice, but not overly expensive or gaudy. Any chicks that are impressed by shoes like that aren't the kind you're looking for. Important thing is they've got to be clean. No scuff marks, no holes, shit like that. Steve Maddens? Risky. Could be considered too metro. And those fools are on their way out. Alright, go with the Maddens, maybe nobody will make too big a deal about them.
Socks? Dark, never white.
When it comes to colognes there are many schools of thought. But the schools don't differ too much, either little cologne or none at all. You go with one spritz. Something the girls like, but isn't played out. Cool water is dead! Aqua de Gio never smelled good, makes you wonder why girls like it. Something from D&G? Why not? Those dudes seem to know their shit. It's gotta be one spritz. You won't stink up a room. Your scent won't announce your presence, leave that to women. Your shit is more subtle, the only other person besides yourself who will even notice that you're wearing anything will be whatever girl you end up with.
Hat? No. Jacket? Something a little kitschy, but fashionable too. Tweed? Why not, it could work.
Alright, you're all dressed up, now figure out some place to go!