Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Here comes the bride………and there goes the groom

(Originally written Wednesday, March 15, 2006)


I'm often asked, (by the ladies of course) "Josh, are you going to get married?"
"It depends," I say, "on how rich she is."

To me, marriage is really crazy. People do it all the time, but that doesn't mean they should. America's divorce rate is legendary. What is it, like 50 percent or something? I think this trend of failed marriages in the last few decades of American history isn't because more stupid people are falling in and out of love at ludicrous speeds, (ludicrous speed, get it?) but because it's more socially acceptable to admit that you might have made a big mistake.

Think about it, back in the '50s or whatever, people used to get married to a person and stay with them for the rest of their lives! How crazy is that?! What's even crazier is that often the chick in the relationship, (usually the chick, but sometimes the guy too) would be a virgin. Can you imagine that? Making a life-long commitment to a car without even taking a test drive is a leap of faith I'm not willing to take. You have no idea if the power windows will go down all the way, if the c.d. player will accept your cds or if the tires are going to have a slow leak and always stay flat, (enough double entendres there?) People still do it now a days, (though not as many people) but most people realize that's a waste of life and equipment use. In some circles it's still considered noble to be a virgin up until marriage. These are people I don't invite to parties. They are about as fun as using a colostomy bag, (I don't know this from experience, I just hear stories.)

One thing I do like about seeing married couples, (especially here in the army) is that they can give a single person hope. When you see a 300-lb woman whose head is so big and fat that it has just swallowed her neck, married to a guy so thin he could be used to unlock doors, it makes you believe that love is blind. And believe me, there are most definitely married couples of this caliber in the military.

In some countries marriages are arranged affairs. I think this is a decent way to go about the whole process. I mean, your parents should have your best interest in mind, so they'd pick somebody that'd do you good, right? I guess it all depends on how much you trust your parents. My parents would probably pick the obese uggo with halitosis just 'cause they felt sorry for her. I would most likely be able to put up with her until it was time to consummate the marriage, then it'd be time to bust out the bloody gloves and kick it O.J. style.

The only problem with arranged marriages is that you'll end up being with somebody you probably don't love, and possibly haven't even met. You can grow to love somebody I guess. But why take the chance? You could end up with a Cruella DeVille type, and that wouldn't be any fun for anybody.

Nope, the best option might be to not marry anybody at all. Now wait, give the idea some time before you dismiss it. What are the benefits of being married? You don't get better parking spaces or seats in the movie theater. Hell, you don't even get a discount at Popeyes. What do you get? Tax breaks? If that's all it is just quit paying taxes! (Note to members of IRS; just kidding, I am a prompt and law-abiding tax payer.)

The only benefit I can think of is a bunch of free junk from wedding guests, and that doesn't really make up for years of morning breath and pubic hairs in inappropriate places, both signs of long-term relationships.
You don't really need the government to legally recognize your unity to another, do you?

As long as you know you love somebody and that person loves you back, everything should be gravy.

For, you see, love conquers all, and by its very nature defies being confined to a rigid and limiting definition and place in the social structure. Let love decide the fate of couples! Let soul mates themselves declare their love to the world, or keep it to themselves, as they so choose! Who are we to force people into preconceived units that the "law" recognizes and approves of? Why can we not let love be free to express itself as it wishes, and for whatever length it desires? Who's ready to take back the meanings of "committed relationship" and sacred marriage" and make them stand for something pure, wholesome and decent once again?

And who's willing to let me borrow $100? I'm going to go find my future wife in the best place I can think of: a strip club.

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