Wednesday, July 26, 2006

And the answers came pouring in...

After several thousand emails filled with answers as to why this planet is called "Earth", I have found one that I feel to be the best explanation. This comes from Vince, an army medic with a large brain, (or an over active imagination).
His prize? A guest column spot later on. Until then, enjoy!

Well Hutch, I must say that I am hurt, I do not know who this supposed expert on all things scientific is, but please allow me to make up for his unforgivable shortcomings and provide you with an answer on your origin of the earth question.

First of all, I would like to take this opportunity to share my credentials, for before I offer my opinion I think that it is important to recognize that I am an expert in my field, and therefore my explanation be without reproach.

When I was seven years old, I fell down and scrapped my knee, thus learning the valuable lesson that the earth is hard. When at the young and impressionable age of 19 I saw a globe for the first time, and I realized that this planet is shaped like a ball, I deduced that it is round. And lastly, when I was 23, a very large classmate of mine made me eat dirt, and from that experience I was able to deduce that the earth is yucky. Therefore with a history such as this, I propose to you that I am an expert on all things scientific, and especially those relating to Terra Mater, or Mother Earth.

The Earth, or as the ancients wrote it E.A.R.T.H. has been around for years and years. It is pretty old, in fact considering it was the ancients who first saw the Earth, it is only right that they named it after themselves. Therefore, it should come as no surprise to discover that the first two letters of our planet's name stand for Extremely Ancient. Upon further analysis, the ancients also realized that the planet was round, thus the R was added to the name.

Unfortunately, since the Namers of the planet were not blessed with the modern vocabulary we now have, they did not know how to describe the Round thing soon to be called Earth, so the name Round Thing stuck. Recently discovered Polynesian documents detail several dark, dark days in ancient history where the Earth was actually known as the Eart. It was in fact not for many weeks that the H was added to the name.

The etiology of the H is not clear, but the common consensus is that King Herbert of the Holotheisian Horde was walking home from a hotel when he hit his head and fell, scraping his knee. "Holy Hell!" he exclaimed, "this Eart is Hard" and the H stuck.

So now Hutch, you know how the Earth got its name.

In the future, I beg of you, please consult me on these difficult scientific matters, and I will be glad to share with you the knowledge borne of alcohol and boredom, so that you too may be edumakated.

Please stay tuned to Eighty-Four Glyde for my upcoming guest column on an important issue currently being debated on the world stage.

Until then my friends

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