Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Alright, now what evil will I inflict?

(Originally written Friday, March 10, 2006)

Recently, (to me at least, I'm not sure if these two columns will appear close to each other when I actually post them) I wrote about my plan to take over the world using Joshua™ Brand Underwear.

Honestly the question isn't how I'd take over the world, but rather what would I do with it once I had control. I really have no idea. But there are a few changes I would make.

  • Capris (and petalpushers) would be banned. Any middle-to-late aged WP "trying to be fashionable" mom would be thrown in jail. Women with hideous legs who know they have no business wearing "pants" like that would be shot.
  • People would be forced to take intelligence tests and would be segregated in that fashion. The dumbest people would be sent to Antarctica.
  • Reality television would either have to be completely real (i.e. people die on Survivor and Fear Factor, or we get to see sex and nudity on the shows where people live together) or be taken off the air. The Running Man would be a real show.
  • Reparations would finally occur, (though I'll be damned if I know what everybody's going to do with 40 acres and a mule.)
  • English would be the official language of the entire world!
  • Mystery Science Theater 3000 would be back on the air.
  • All marriages would have to be reviewed and approved by me. That way, I could only blame myself for a high divorce rate.
  • Pop music and "corporate punk" would be banned.
  • Anybody who ever appeared on American Idol would be drowned. The only exception would be William Hung, cause that dude is funny and Paula Abdul cause she's hot and shouldn't have been on the damn show in the first place.
  • Chuck Norris would be my Minister of Roundhouse Kicks to the Faces of Various People I'm Annoyed With. It would be a very important position and he'd be on call 24/7.
  • Mini-discs would be the only method of transporting music. This is simply because I got a mini-disc player six or seven years ago and dammit, I want to use it!
  • Eminem would be exiled to Greenland.
  • People who wear shorts in the winter and sandals year-round -with or without socks- (and ya'll know who you are) would be put into forced clothing re-education classes to learn some style and common sense!
  • I would introduce fluoride into the Japanese water system. Them grills they got over there are nasty!
  • Everybody in England would be forced to watch every episode of Good Eats, until they realized that meat isn't supposed to be boiled.
  • Not only would alcoholism be socially acceptable, the drinking age would be lowered to two, (cause there's nothing funnier than a drunk infant!) and there would be National Drinking Leagues. Drinking during pregnancy would be illegal.
  • Naturally, weed would be legal and distributed for free on street corners.
  • Michael Jackson would be allowed to give one free punch to the crotch of everybody who made jokes about him, (I would be exempt.)
  • O.J. Simpson, the guy who played Beretta and the guys who killed Tupac and Biggie would go to jail.
  • Oprah would be locked in a walk-in freezer. She would only be allowed out if she died or ate everything in the freezer.
  • Same-sex marriages would be legal, because everybody deserves the right to be in a stifling relationship.
  • Britney Spears, Jessica and Ashlee Simpson, Paris Hilton and her sister, Lindsay Lohan, and all other annoying unnecessarily famous chicks would be thrown in a pit and forced to fight to the death. The winner would be killed by me anyway.
  • I would be the only person allowed to drive.
  • All KFCs would be replaced by Popeyes. Roy Rogers chicken would also be allowed.
  • California would be separated from the rest of America and made into its own crazy-ass country.
  • I would rule the world from a luxury yacht, which would travel the seas and have a kooky computerized voice and personality. We would fight crime.
  • Everybody would be forced to read Eighty-Four Glyde and Mad Magazine.
  • Clean water would be available for all countries. Also, hand-washing stations would be setup every ten feet, so people don't have an excuse for not doing it!
  • There would be at least five porn channels, one of which would feature my head digitally put on the body of every guy.
  • The media would only be allowed to give news that deals with things people actually need to know. No more stories about missing white girls, the personal lives of famous people or stupid shit that is really unimportant. Also, reporters would only be allowed to give true facts, without any spin and certainly with no opinion. Bill O'Reilly would be shot into the sun.
  • The Boondocks would be the official comic strip.
  • Saturday Morning Cartoons would be good again. All anime and weird ass Hanna-Barbara cartoons featuring generic-looking people wielding swords and riding dinosaurs or some such nonsense, would be moved to Sunday mornings.
  • All cops accused of police brutality would get their asses beat in return.
  • I, as the only government in the world, would end all wars and never lie to the people of Earth. Trust me.

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