Veni, Vidi, Vici, Columbus Style

Gather ‘round children, and come hear the wondrous tale of the most amazing and adventurous explorer who ever sailed the eight seas! (People think there are only seven, but you gotta use the Konami Code to unlock the eighth one.) Of course, I am speaking of Captain Jack Sparrow!

Oh wait, I’m being told that’s incorrect. I guess I meant to say Christopher Columbus. Really? That Turd Ferguson? Seems a lot less interesting. Does he at least fight a kraken? No? What about Cluthlu? Shit. A penguin? Alright, fine. I’ll take it from the top.

Gather ‘round boys and girls, and make sure to bring that bottle of jack with you, cause you’re in for a mind-bendingly stupid story about money, avarice, religion, selfishness, tyranny, spices,* colonization, slavery and really bad navigational skills. No ninja though, so get that idea out of your head right now and settle in for a bunch of garbage.

Once upon a time that was this Italian cat named Christopher “Salami Pants” Columbus. From an early age, Chris used to love being out at sea, sometimes even in a boat. His nautical journeys led him as far north as Iceland (to rock out to some brutal 15^th century speed lute, no doubt) and as far south as Ghana. Truly he was all about that Waterworld life.

At some point, in ways that baffle historians to this day, Christopher “Take the Canoli” Columbus was able to convince the rulers of Castile and Aragon that he could get them some bomb ass spices from the Far East, by going west. Truly, when this decision was made, it was in a room of geniuses.

Columbus: Okay your highnesses, dig this: I have figured out that the best way to get to the Far East, (hold on to your king hats for this) is to…GO WEST!!!!
Monarchs of Castile and Aragorn: Seems legit.

So, with that impeachable logic, in 1492, Columbus and his bosun mate Smee got into their three ships the Nina, the Pinta and the General Lee and set sail in the exact opposite direction of the place they wanted to go. Because, exploration! Or something.

Let me give a little backstory here. You see, back in the old days, spices were very important in the consumption of food, because food back then suuuuuuuuucked. So bland. So much tasteless mush in your mouth. And because neither Cholula nor Siracha had been invented yet, people had to find other ways to bring their dishes to life. Luckily India was around and those Indians never found a spice or leaf or seed they wouldn’t eat. It was a very aromatic country. Fun fact, the Indians also invented toilet paper. For obvious reasons. So spices were highly regarded in the Old World. A handful of turmeric would easily get you one night with a syphilitic Portuguese hooker. So, you know, spices.

Anywho, after 40 monotonous days and 40 boring nights, (I think that’s right) C-Dawg and his crew arrived in the Bahamas, healthy, full of vim and vinegar and fewer instances of oceanic debauchery and sodomy than one would have expected.

Now a normal person, i.e. you or me, upon arrival in the Bahamas, would get some kind of lovely adult beverage in a coconut cup and chill out at the beach scoping the fly hunnies all day. But as previously established, Columbus doesn’t think like a normal person. Realizing that there were no spices to be had and that he had committed a royal boner, Chrissy-poo decided to snatch up some natives and bring them back instead. “Spices, people, they’re pretty much the same thing, right?” he mused.

Apparently, the monarchs of the countries that sponsored him lived entirely on a diet of lead paint chips, because they sent Columbus back three more times to get that shit right. Or maybe Columbus was just a really smelly guy and they didn’t want him around stinking up the place. The truth is lost to the ages.

Now, as people have come to learn in the lasts few decades and as they grow older in life, is that the story of Chris “I directed the first two Harry Potter movies” Columbus isn’t as cut and dry as they try to teach our simple-minded selves in elementary school. Columbus managed to reach just about every island to the east of North America, without setting foot in our actual country at all. He hit up Hispaniola (and lived there for a while, bedding those indigenous wenches) Haiti, (bedding some zombified wenches) Trinidad and Cuba, where he had a really good sandwich.

And as we also know, those wacky Vikings had beat Columbus to actual North America 500 years prior. As featured in the oft overlooked Karl Urban movie Pathfinder. That movie was tits! Not to be outdone, and being the trendsetter that he was, Columbus played a very large role in the extinction of the Taino people of the Caribbean. What a classy guy.

These days, people get up in arms about our having a national holiday named after this dude. There is a strong movement to change Columbus Day to Indigenous Peoples Day. They claim that Columbus was a real asshole and his actions and love of slavery and burning shit to the ground should not serve as a role model for current and future generations. And who knows kiddies, they may be right. While it’s true that he sounds like a bad dude, who sowed misery and pain everywhere he went, on the other hand, he inspired and age of exploration in the New World so that others could get in on that misery and pain game. It’s a bit of a gray area. But you wanna know what I think about Christopher Columbus?

That son-of-a-bitch didn’t ever manage to find Waldo.

*He who controls the spice, controls the universe.