The AMAZING True Story of the REAL Great Pumpkin

If you’re familiar with Charlie Brown and the Peanuts gang, then I’m sure you’re aware of the Great Pumpkin, (If you’re not familiar with Charlie Brown, then you need to get right with Jesus.) The way Linus van Pelt tells it, the story goes like this: Every Halloween night, the Great Pumpkin travels the land (America only. Other countries got to get their own damn Great Pumpkins, or Great Beaver if it’s Canada), to find the sincerest, most humble pumpkin patch, where he showers the kiddies with toys, like a poor man’s Santa Claus, or a rich man’s Jack Skellington.

What makes a pumpkin patch sincere? Who knows? Why are there still pumpkins in a pumpkin patch on Halloween night? No clue. Seems like a bad business model, there’s no secondary Halloween next week or whatever.

Anyway, we never learn if Linus is correct or sincere or anything, because the Great Pumpkin never shows up. Leaving him despondent and severely depressed. It’s only through intense therapy and long, deep conversations with his blanket that he is finally able to return to the world and wait for the sad cycle to repeat next Halloween. Those Peanuts kids need to straight up do an intervention instead of just making fun of him to his face and calling him a damn “Blockhead” all night.

But I digress.

Linus’ story of the Great Pumpkin intrigued me. Why is it that only Linus know about this Halloween spirit? Where did he learn about the Great Pumpkin? How doth he cometh to know the lore of said cultivar of the Cucubita Pepo variety of squash?

So I decided to dig into this story on my own, like some kind of loser Gen Z geek with too much time on his hands, who wants to jump on the overloaded investigatory podcast bandwagon.

And what I discovered was anything but fun kiddy comic strip stuff.

My first (and only) step on my research adventure was the most logical and involved the least amount of moving: the Internet. So I got on my computer, used my dial-up modem, and logged onto America Online. My first stop was AskJeeves.com, but I got nothing, so I moved on to dogpile.com, still my quest was fruitless, I tried one last time with lycos.com and again came up empty-handed. I was baffled, those were my go-to search engines.

I decided to think outside the box and try this website I had heard of called “Wikipedia,” and here’s where things get weird. As soon as I entered “Great Pumpkin” in the search bar, the computer screen went dark for a few seconds, as if it had been shut off. I figured something must have happened, so I crawled behind the desk to the power strip and unplugged it, so I could plug the computer back in after 30 seconds, (because I think I heard that in a tv show once?)

After I unplugged the computer I sat and waited for the 30 seconds, but before the time was up, I saw that there were words on the screen in large orange letters, all caps, in Comic Sans, the scariest font there is.

DO NOT MEDDLE IN AFFAIRS BEYOND YOUR UNDERSTANDING. It read.

Confused, I look again at the power strip. The computer was still unplugged.
Why Not? I typed.

THE HISTORY OF THE GREAT PUMPKIN IS ONE OF GREAT SORROW AND SUFFERING. SUFFERING THAT SHALL BE VISITED TWO-FOLD UPON THE UNWORTHY.

What makes me unworthy?

YOUR CHOICE OF FOOTWEAR.

I looked down at my feet.

So I’m wearing Velcro Pro Wings. What does that matter? Who are you?

I AM HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED.

BUT YOU MAY CALL ME STEVE.

Alright Steve. Please impart unto me the secrets and the origin of the Great Pumpkin and how the legend came to be. I chafe to have this knowledge.

IF I WERE TO TELL YOU, YOUR HEART WOULD EXPLODE, YOUR BOWELS WOULD RELEASE EVERYTHING IN YOUR BODY, INCLUDING YOUR ORGANS. YOU WOULD EXPEL EVERY BONE IN YOUR BODY THROUGH YOUR URETHRA. YOUR BRAIN WOULD LEAK OUT OF YOUR EARS AND YOUR EYEBALLS WOULD LEAK OUT OF YOUR NOSE. THE COMMON MORTAL COULD WITHSTAND SUCH THINGS.

I could handle it.

OK

Sweet. I’m ready when you are.

ONCE UPON A TIME, IN ANCIENT SUMERIA, WHICH YOU NOW KNOW AS THE MIDDLE-EAST, THERE WAS A TRIBE OF NOMADS. WHILE MANY TRIBES WERE NOMADIC, MANY TOOK UP RESIDENCE NEAR THE EUPHRATES AND TIGRIS RIVERS, IN WHAT BECAME KNOWN AS THE CRADLE OF CIVILIZATION. 

HOWEVER, THIS TRIBE WAS DIFFERENT, THEY DIDN’T WORSHIP THE USUAL SUMERIAN GODS, SUCH AS ZOROASTER, KNOWN AS ZARATHUSTRA, OR EVEN GHOZER THE GOZARIAN. INSTEAD, THIS TRIBE WORSHIPED A RARE TYPE OF PLANT THAT ONLY GREW IN ONE PART OF THE DESERT AND WAS ONLY DISCOVERED BY THE TRIBE BY ACCIDENT. THE FRUIT OF THIS PLANT, WHICH THEY DEEMED “LUMPY PENIS SHAPE” (BECAUSE THE WORD ‘GOURD’ HAD NOT BEEN INVENTED YET) KEPT THE TRIBE FROM STARVING IN DESPERATE TIMES.

EVENTUALLY, THE GOURD WAS WORSHIPED AND IDOLIZED SO MUCH THAT IT ACTUALLY ASCENDED AND BECAME A HOLY DEITY, DISPENSING OUT REWARDS AND PUNISHMENTS TO THE GOOD AND THE WICKED ALIKE.  

IN TIME, THIS TRIBE SET ASIDE ONE DAY OF THE YEAR FOR THIS GREAT GOURD TO TRAVEL THE VAST DESERT OF SUMERIA SO IT COULD JUDGE THE GOOD AND THE WICKED AND PASS OUT JUDGMENT ON THE UNDESERVING. 

FOR THE WICKED AND INSINCERE, THEIR PUNISHMENT WAS NO LESS THAN A SLOW, AGONIZING DEATH, WHERE THEY SUFFERED IN TORMENT FOR 30 DAYS AND 30 NIGHTS. THE PAIN AND MISERY THEY EXPERIENCED WAS INDESCRIBABLE.  

FOR THE GOOD AND HUMBLE, THEY WERE SHOWERED WITH GIFTS OF HERBS AND SHEEP AND GOAT’S MILK AND FULL-SIZED CANDY BARS. AND THEY WERE INVITED TO JOIN THE TRIBE, TO INCREASE THE AMOUNT OF LAND THAT ALL COULD SHARE.

THROUGHOUT THE YEARS, AS THESE SUMERIANS DIED OFF, THE GREAT GOURD WENT INTO HIBERNATION, WAITING TO BE REDISCOVERED AND REBORN. IN THE EARLY 20^TH CENTURY, OCCULTIST AND SATANIST ALEISTER CROWLEY DISCOVERED ANCIENT SUMERIAN SCROLLS AND WITH TREMENDOUS DIFFICULTY AND THE DEATH OF THREE OF HIS FOLLOWERS, CROWLEY WAS ABLE TO SUMMON AND GIVE REBIRTH TO THE GREAT GOURD.

AS TIME PASSED, THE GREAT GOURD HAS CONTINUED ITS MISSION, THOUGH WITHOUT THE GUIDANCE OF THE SUMERIANS, COMBINED WITH THE CENTURIES OF BEING DORMANT, THE GREAT GOURD WAS NOT ENTIRELY SURE HOW TO CARRY OUT ITS DUTIES AS A GOD OF VENGEANCE AND SINCERITY, SO IT WANDERED THE BRITISH ISLES, SLAUGHTERING THOSE IT DEEMED UNWORTHY OF LIFE.

IN TIME IT TRAVELED TO AMERICA, WHICH IT HAUNTS TO THIS DAY. AND EVERY YEAR ON ONE SINGULAR NIGHT, THE GREAT PUMPKIN TRAVELS THE LAND TO PUNISH THE WICKED AND TO REWARD THE SINCERE. SO IF YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE AND NEVER ONCE SEE THE GREAT PUMPKIN, CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY. AND HOPEFULLY, SAFE. FOR YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU MAY FEEL A PRESENCE BEHIND YOU AND YOU TURN TO SEE A LARGE ORANGE OVOID SHAPE STARING DOWN ON YOU WITH GLOWING TRIANGLE EYES AND A MOUTH THAT LOOKS LIKE IT WAS CARVED BY A BLIND FIVE-YEAR-OLD WHO USED THEIR FEET. AND BE WARNED, BECAUSE THAT COULD BE THE LAST THING YOU EVER SEE.

Wow, Steve, that sounds like a bunch of bullshit.

I waited a few minutes, but there was no response, the words on the screen faded and it was blank once again. Eventually, I plugged the computer back in and it turned on no problem. I went to my favorite website, leathersquirreldominatrix.edu, and paid no more attention to that weird experience. But on some Halloweens, I do wonder who Steve was and how true its words were. Sometimes I wonder if my body will be found in an insincere pumpkin patch one cold November morning, my body constricted into an unnatural pose, a rictus of horror etched on my face. Scrawled in blood on the ground next to me is one word.

“Blockhead.”