Reading Tea Leaves Part 1

Some things in life cannot be controlled. Some things defy logic and reason. Science cannot explain them. Jesus is stumped and Neil DeGrasse Tyson can only look on in perplexity. When these things happen and when future events must be predicted, Swami Josh says there is only one place to look:
To the stars…

ARIES
March 20-April 20

Aries, as the first in the Astrological signs, yours is what sets the tone for the rest of the Zodiac. Good for you! Fortune favors the bold! In fact, you should keep the ball rolling on the whole being first thing. Need to get on the bus or the subway? Push everybody else out of your way. Is it either you or that old lady for the last seat? Not anymore. You snooze, you lose, granny!

Let’s take it further. You should most certainly be the first person to buy whatever new technology comes out, whether you need it or not. For you, this is a continuing trend. I know you bought that Google Glass the day it came out. How’s that working out for you? Perfectly, I’m guessing. Keep it up buddy! ­

TAURUS
April 20-May 21

I might be a prognosticator and all, but right off the bat, I’m gonna tell you that these “cusp” dates make no sense and are only going to make for future trouble. But hey, I didn’t make the rules, so let’s just get into it.

So, Taurus, how’s it going? How’re your parents? They get that garden set up? They’d better hurry, it’s almost summer. Oh well, none of it matters anyway. Because they’re about to die from Dengue Fever. 

Yeah, sorry about that. Turns out their rain garden has the perfect compilation of stagnant standing water and African foliage to attract tsetse flies (who knew?*). Their fates are sealed. So, knowing that, now is the time to really cozy up to them and make sure you get a nice juicy cut in their wills. Tell your sister to screw off.

Buy a boat. You’ll see why…

GEMINI

May 21-June 21

Hey Gemini, do you remember the American Gladiator of the same name? What was that about? And did anybody ever win that show? I know I could have totally dodged all those damn tennis balls.

But I digress.

Alright Gemini, I’m gonna lay it out straight. I know you’re a smart cat, you don’t believe in all that “retrograde,” “waxing” and “waning” junk. You’re too clever, too on the ball. You see right through all these “predictions”, so there’s no use trying to trick you. I like that. You’re a solid, reasonable person, and you have a good point. All of these free “horoscopes” are for chumps. If I was really going to tell somebody their future, their future where they could end up being millionaires or famous movie stars, why would I give that information away for free? That’s a bad business model right there and benefits nobody. So let me tell you my secret. The REAL horoscopes are part of a monthly subscription service I run. For a low $50 per month, I will hook you up with the quality horoscopes. You will get only the finest of tea leaf-readings, crystal ball-gazing and tarot card-flipping. DM me for information. Be sure to have your credit card number ready. Trust me.

CANCER
June 21-July 23

Cancer, first things first. Why the hell is your symbol a lobster? I know trying to symbolize cancer isn’t easy, but a lobster? You should be ashamed! Even Gemini’s two naked dudes shaking hands is better than a lobster, (but just barely). Why not a lit cigarette, or a cell phone next to somebody’s head? Those are both valid cancer symbols.

Anyway, Cancers! Listen to me and listen to me well! Do not say anything. Do not question my methods. Do not pass Go or collect $200. Know and obey only this: You can only wear blue socks on your left foot for the rest of the year. It’s the only way. The only way for what? I told you to not ask questions! Damn, you just ruined the whole thing. If you can’t even follow simple directions, then what’s the point?

Good luck Cancer, you’re on your own.

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Alright, That’s all for now. Using my spiritual juices has left me spent and drained. I must go rest and regain my otherworldly powers for further predictions. And for now, Swami Josh shall repose.

*I did. I know all.