The AMAZING True Story of the REAL Great Pumpkin

If you’re familiar with Charlie Brown and the Peanuts gang, then I’m sure you’re aware of the Great Pumpkin, (If you’re not familiar with Charlie Brown, then you need to get right with Jesus.) The way Linus van Pelt tells it, the story goes like this: Every Halloween night, the Great Pumpkin travels the land (America only. Other countries got to get their own damn Great Pumpkins, or Great Beaver if it’s Canada), to find the sincerest, most humble pumpkin patch, where he showers the kiddies with toys, like a poor man’s Santa Claus, or a rich man’s Jack Skellington.

What makes a pumpkin patch sincere? Who knows? Why are there still pumpkins in a pumpkin patch on Halloween night? No clue. Seems like a bad business model, there’s no secondary Halloween next week or whatever.

Anyway, we never learn if Linus is correct or sincere or anything, because the Great Pumpkin never shows up. Leaving him despondent and severely depressed. It’s only through intense therapy and long, deep conversations with his blanket that he is finally able to return to the world and wait for the sad cycle to repeat next Halloween. Those Peanuts kids need to straight up do an intervention instead of just making fun of him to his face and calling him a damn “Blockhead” all night.

But I digress.

Linus’ story of the Great Pumpkin intrigued me. Why is it that only Linus know about this Halloween spirit? Where did he learn about the Great Pumpkin? How doth he cometh to know the lore of said cultivar of the Cucubita Pepo variety of squash?

So I decided to dig into this story on my own, like some kind of loser Gen Z geek with too much time on his hands, who wants to jump on the overloaded investigatory podcast bandwagon.

And what I discovered was anything but fun kiddy comic strip stuff.

My first (and only) step on my research adventure was the most logical and involved the least amount of moving: the Internet. So I got on my computer, used my dial-up modem, and logged onto America Online. My first stop was AskJeeves.com, but I got nothing, so I moved on to dogpile.com, still my quest was fruitless, I tried one last time with lycos.com and again came up empty-handed. I was baffled, those were my go-to search engines.

I decided to think outside the box and try this website I had heard of called “Wikipedia,” and here’s where things get weird. As soon as I entered “Great Pumpkin” in the search bar, the computer screen went dark for a few seconds, as if it had been shut off. I figured something must have happened, so I crawled behind the desk to the power strip and unplugged it, so I could plug the computer back in after 30 seconds, (because I think I heard that in a tv show once?)

After I unplugged the computer I sat and waited for the 30 seconds, but before the time was up, I saw that there were words on the screen in large orange letters, all caps, in Comic Sans, the scariest font there is.

DO NOT MEDDLE IN AFFAIRS BEYOND YOUR UNDERSTANDING. It read.

Confused, I look again at the power strip. The computer was still unplugged.
Why Not? I typed.

THE HISTORY OF THE GREAT PUMPKIN IS ONE OF GREAT SORROW AND SUFFERING. SUFFERING THAT SHALL BE VISITED TWO-FOLD UPON THE UNWORTHY.

What makes me unworthy?

YOUR CHOICE OF FOOTWEAR.

I looked down at my feet.

So I’m wearing Velcro Pro Wings. What does that matter? Who are you?

I AM HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED.

BUT YOU MAY CALL ME STEVE.

Alright Steve. Please impart unto me the secrets and the origin of the Great Pumpkin and how the legend came to be. I chafe to have this knowledge.

IF I WERE TO TELL YOU, YOUR HEART WOULD EXPLODE, YOUR BOWELS WOULD RELEASE EVERYTHING IN YOUR BODY, INCLUDING YOUR ORGANS. YOU WOULD EXPEL EVERY BONE IN YOUR BODY THROUGH YOUR URETHRA. YOUR BRAIN WOULD LEAK OUT OF YOUR EARS AND YOUR EYEBALLS WOULD LEAK OUT OF YOUR NOSE. THE COMMON MORTAL COULD WITHSTAND SUCH THINGS.

I could handle it.

OK

Sweet. I’m ready when you are.

ONCE UPON A TIME, IN ANCIENT SUMERIA, WHICH YOU NOW KNOW AS THE MIDDLE-EAST, THERE WAS A TRIBE OF NOMADS. WHILE MANY TRIBES WERE NOMADIC, MANY TOOK UP RESIDENCE NEAR THE EUPHRATES AND TIGRIS RIVERS, IN WHAT BECAME KNOWN AS THE CRADLE OF CIVILIZATION. 

HOWEVER, THIS TRIBE WAS DIFFERENT, THEY DIDN’T WORSHIP THE USUAL SUMERIAN GODS, SUCH AS ZOROASTER, KNOWN AS ZARATHUSTRA, OR EVEN GHOZER THE GOZARIAN. INSTEAD, THIS TRIBE WORSHIPED A RARE TYPE OF PLANT THAT ONLY GREW IN ONE PART OF THE DESERT AND WAS ONLY DISCOVERED BY THE TRIBE BY ACCIDENT. THE FRUIT OF THIS PLANT, WHICH THEY DEEMED “LUMPY PENIS SHAPE” (BECAUSE THE WORD ‘GOURD’ HAD NOT BEEN INVENTED YET) KEPT THE TRIBE FROM STARVING IN DESPERATE TIMES.

EVENTUALLY, THE GOURD WAS WORSHIPED AND IDOLIZED SO MUCH THAT IT ACTUALLY ASCENDED AND BECAME A HOLY DEITY, DISPENSING OUT REWARDS AND PUNISHMENTS TO THE GOOD AND THE WICKED ALIKE.  

IN TIME, THIS TRIBE SET ASIDE ONE DAY OF THE YEAR FOR THIS GREAT GOURD TO TRAVEL THE VAST DESERT OF SUMERIA SO IT COULD JUDGE THE GOOD AND THE WICKED AND PASS OUT JUDGMENT ON THE UNDESERVING. 

FOR THE WICKED AND INSINCERE, THEIR PUNISHMENT WAS NO LESS THAN A SLOW, AGONIZING DEATH, WHERE THEY SUFFERED IN TORMENT FOR 30 DAYS AND 30 NIGHTS. THE PAIN AND MISERY THEY EXPERIENCED WAS INDESCRIBABLE.  

FOR THE GOOD AND HUMBLE, THEY WERE SHOWERED WITH GIFTS OF HERBS AND SHEEP AND GOAT’S MILK AND FULL-SIZED CANDY BARS. AND THEY WERE INVITED TO JOIN THE TRIBE, TO INCREASE THE AMOUNT OF LAND THAT ALL COULD SHARE.

THROUGHOUT THE YEARS, AS THESE SUMERIANS DIED OFF, THE GREAT GOURD WENT INTO HIBERNATION, WAITING TO BE REDISCOVERED AND REBORN. IN THE EARLY 20^TH CENTURY, OCCULTIST AND SATANIST ALEISTER CROWLEY DISCOVERED ANCIENT SUMERIAN SCROLLS AND WITH TREMENDOUS DIFFICULTY AND THE DEATH OF THREE OF HIS FOLLOWERS, CROWLEY WAS ABLE TO SUMMON AND GIVE REBIRTH TO THE GREAT GOURD.

AS TIME PASSED, THE GREAT GOURD HAS CONTINUED ITS MISSION, THOUGH WITHOUT THE GUIDANCE OF THE SUMERIANS, COMBINED WITH THE CENTURIES OF BEING DORMANT, THE GREAT GOURD WAS NOT ENTIRELY SURE HOW TO CARRY OUT ITS DUTIES AS A GOD OF VENGEANCE AND SINCERITY, SO IT WANDERED THE BRITISH ISLES, SLAUGHTERING THOSE IT DEEMED UNWORTHY OF LIFE.

IN TIME IT TRAVELED TO AMERICA, WHICH IT HAUNTS TO THIS DAY. AND EVERY YEAR ON ONE SINGULAR NIGHT, THE GREAT PUMPKIN TRAVELS THE LAND TO PUNISH THE WICKED AND TO REWARD THE SINCERE. SO IF YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE AND NEVER ONCE SEE THE GREAT PUMPKIN, CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY. AND HOPEFULLY, SAFE. FOR YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU MAY FEEL A PRESENCE BEHIND YOU AND YOU TURN TO SEE A LARGE ORANGE OVOID SHAPE STARING DOWN ON YOU WITH GLOWING TRIANGLE EYES AND A MOUTH THAT LOOKS LIKE IT WAS CARVED BY A BLIND FIVE-YEAR-OLD WHO USED THEIR FEET. AND BE WARNED, BECAUSE THAT COULD BE THE LAST THING YOU EVER SEE.

Wow, Steve, that sounds like a bunch of bullshit.

I waited a few minutes, but there was no response, the words on the screen faded and it was blank once again. Eventually, I plugged the computer back in and it turned on no problem. I went to my favorite website, leathersquirreldominatrix.edu, and paid no more attention to that weird experience. But on some Halloweens, I do wonder who Steve was and how true its words were. Sometimes I wonder if my body will be found in an insincere pumpkin patch one cold November morning, my body constricted into an unnatural pose, a rictus of horror etched on my face. Scrawled in blood on the ground next to me is one word.

“Blockhead.”

Mind-Blowing Facts to Leave Friends in Awe!

You know, a lot of people love to strut around, puking out “facts” in people’s ear holes, striking a smug pose of intellectual superiority. It sickens me. I am sickened. Everybody knows that one person who will grind a friendly group discussion to a halt by correcting somebody who possibly said something incorrect.

“Actually Cletus, Rome was built on six hills, not seven. But don’t worry, it’s a common mistake. I wouldn’t expect you to have known.*”

To that end, I’ve decided to compile a list of obscure, but incredibly true, facts for you to dish out at a moment’s notice. You’re welcome in advance my sweet nincompoops.

·        The rain in Spain actually falls mainly in the Canary Islands. They have an annual rainfall of 14 inches.

·        In order to compete with Coca-Cola, the original recipe for Schweppes Ginger Ale included trace amounts of kerosene.  It was believed that in small doses, it would give people a little extra pep.

·        The remote Slestak tribe in the deep recesses of the Amazonian rain forests boil a certain species of slug and them rub them on their genitals as an aphrodisiac.

·        The owner of Chik-Fila used to be gay, until his Mormon parents forcibly took him to a camp that “straightens” people out. To this day he prays seven times a day to keep desires in check.

·        Each dollar bill in circulation has a thin coating of arsenic on it. The arsenic was not placed there by the National Treasury, and no matter how many resources they throw at this problem, the culprit is still unknown and remains at large. 

·        The actual rotation of the earth changes by one eighth of one eighth of a degree every year. Meaning that a seven thousand years ago Antarctica was where Australia is currently.

·        The lyrics to I Am the Walrus, by the Beatles, are Goo Goo Ga Joob. Not Coo Coo Ca Choo.

·        Rocky and Bullwinkle were based off of two fascist German spies in World War I. Johan and Elsa Blout were a married couple who were sent into Russia to infiltrate and flip as many assets as they could. Boris and Natasha represent their Russian counterparts assigned to hunt them down and dispose of them in any manner possible.

·        The first hamburger, or “hamburger sandwich” was created in the NYC Bowery in 1837. Due to a beef shortage at the time, it was made with ground pigeon meat.

·        While they didn’t make mainstream popularity until the early 20^th century, the Greek military had been using proto-televisions since 1895. They consisted of a glass screen, and glass phosphorous tubes holding both positively and negatively charged plutonium ions. They only worked for ten minutes before they melted.

·        Nowhere in the Bible does it say that the forbidden fruit was an apple.

·        Also, nowhere in the poem does it say Humpty Dumpty is an egg.

·        Alister Crowley once wrote an opera. It was performed only once, in Devonshire-Upon-Shiredevon in North Umbria, Britain. Seventeen audience members became violently ill, the Diva broke her leg during her aria (which is where we get the saying “break a leg” for good luck) and many members of the chorus claimed to feel an icy breeze on their necks and the faint sound of laughter coming from beneath them. A week later the stage burned to the ground, taking the groundskeeper with it. The opera manuscript was locked up, never to be performed again. To this day, its location remains a mystery.

·        Alligators have a vertical leap of nine inches which they typically use when hunting marsh birds, such as egrets and ostriches.

·        Buffalo Bill from The Silence of the Lambs was based on two actual psychopaths. The notorious Ed Gein, who lived next to a cemetery and would dig up bodies to make lampshades and rugs out of people’s skin, and porn star John Holmes, who was known to put on lipstick and tuck his genitals between his legs while dancing.

·        Woodrow Wilson was the first American president to come out of the closet. However, since the country was not ready to accept that at the time, he was quietly assassinated, his murder covered up, and all mentions of his sexuality were scrubbed from history books.

·        Johnny Appleseed used to put razor blades in every fifth apple he gave to kids. He loved a good joke.

So there you have it! Next time somebody tries to one-up you on some shit, bust out some of this knowledge and watch them go running, crying, out of the room, knowing that have been bested by you and your big old sexy brain. Good luck!

*And if you don’t know somebody like this, that means you are that somebody. Seek medical help. I recommend Nurse Ratched. She can do wonders. 

Five out of Four Foodologists agree this is the Healthiest Lunch you Can Have!

In this day and age, everybody and their diseased grandmother* has a damn podcast. You can barely take five steps without tripping over a couple of neckbeards with a podcast where they break down Tattooed Teenage Alien Fighters from Beverly Hills, one episode at a time. And yes, that’s a real show. Or maybe it’s a cooking podcast with dishes using only locally sourced ingredients from restaurant dumpsters, because that’s what’s best for the environment and your bowels!

Unfortunately, it is my ironic duty to say that I have also jumped into the fray, bringing my own brand of stupidness to this bloated miasma of voices screaming into the void, begging to be heard.

Except my shit is funny.

Allow me to introduce you to your new favorite pastime, which is basically just listening to the magnificent timbre of my melodious voice. For people who don’t know me in real life, (or IRL as we cool kids say), then now’s your chance to add a voice to the well-crafted wordplay you’ve come to expect when reading my words.

Do you like movies? Sure, we all do, (except for Leopold, but who cares about that guy?!) Especially movies with characters, dialogue and maybe, if you’re lucky, a location or two. Who could ask for anything more?

Me. I could ask for more.

Sometimes just watching a movie isn’t enough. Sometimes the movie is so good or technically astounding that you want a peek behind the curtains. Sometimes a movie is so baffling and brain-meltingly defective, that you need to know how the hell it was made, or you’ll never get a second of sleep again and you’ll end up in a padded room facing a corner and rocking back and forth while singing “This is the song that never ends.”

When things like this happen, when your curiosity about the behind-the-scenes work, the natural thing to do is to listen to the movie commentary. Usually that’s the director, the producer, maybe the script-writer and an actor or two, sitting in a cigarette smoke-filled room, reminiscing about making the movie as they watch it. You get some good insight, some funny stories and a lot of jibber jabber.

I’m here to offer you an alternative to such meritocracy. The Lunchbox Podcast. With the Lunchbox Podcast, you get to learn about your favorite movies while enjoying a hearty guffaw at the same time.  Here’s the premise: you download an episode of Lunchbox. Each episode is a different movie. We cover all types: 80s, late 80s, early 80s, and probably other non-80s related flicks, there’s no way to be certain. Once you’ve downloaded an episode, you acquire the movie that will be commented upon. Then you play the movie while simultaneously listening to our podcast. Don’t worry, we make syncing up both things very easy. And voila! You get to watch a movie with some hilarious, disembodied voices commenting on the action!

John “Tidily-winks” Kinhart and I started Lunchbox Podcast about a year ago as a way to learn more about the movies we enjoy and make fun of them at the same time. Very much in the vein of one of our favorite shows Mystery Science Theater 3000, and if you don’t know that the hell that show is, don’t fret, that means you actually have a life.

Of course, I’m kidding about all episodes being 80s movies. A lot of them are, because that’s just our wheelhouse. But our real mission is to mostly pick movies that are easily accessible and haven’t been done to death by other podcasts and tv shows. Meaning such fare as The Room and Human Centipede were right out. They’re low hanging fruit.  We try to be all encompassing. Comedy, romance (gag!) horror, science fiction, and more. We’ve commented on such movies as Die Hard, When Harry Met Sally, Airborne, Return to Oz, Friday, Princess Bride and the Zapruder film.**

So, if you’re stuck in traffic, or an elevator, or a boring college lecture or even in another annoying and pointless argument with your significant other or overbearing mother, turn on a tv (or activate your optic holographic simulators, depending on what year you’re reading this), toss on your headphones, pop a Fizzleschmitz And enjoy a laugh or two on us, your friendly neighborhood Lunchbox Podcast.

*How does one even contract the Bubonic Plague in Iowa?

** One of these may be a lie.

Deliciosity

Howdy, my name is Chester, of Chester’s Sloppy Seconds, and I’m proud to announce that our restaurant has just received its first Michelin Star from the Michelin Guide to Toad Scrotum, Montana. What is a Michelin Star, you may be wonderin? Good question! I plum didn’t know myself until I went down to the ”library” (not quite sure what that is either, to be honest) and used one of them com-pu-tors to look it up.

It turns out that the Michelin Guide is some world-renowned French thingy where they offer maps and locations of gas stations and boulangeries and they rate area hotels and restaurants. Looks like we made the big time!

Our current rating of one star means “A very good restaurant in its category.” I’m not entirely sure what that means, but if our category is “freshest meat from the side of the road to your plate” you’re damn straight we’re the best!

So, in honor of our new award, we here at Chester’s Sloppy Seconds, are having a celebration and passing the flavorosity on to you, the patrons!

Yummy!

Come on in to the restaurant. Don’t be shy now, I know Bubba looks like he’ll bite your leg off, but he’s just a big old puppy dog. We only keep him tied out front so that he won’t get at the yard birds in the back. Hell, one week, Bubba got into them chickens and we had to serve frog legs as chicken wings, and nobody was the wiser. Come to think of it, maybe that’s the week that Michelin “inspector” moseyed on through and eatin them frog legs reminded him of back home in Frenchy-Land. Wouldn’t that beat all!

Anyway, as I was sayin, come on through, avoid Bubba and those rusted out cars and refrigerators on the lawn, those rusty edges won’t do you no good. And get yourself set so’s you can enjoy any one of our appetizers, half off! (for a limited time) We have:

Deep Fried Rocky Mountain Oysters (on the half-shell)
Sautéed “Queue de Souris” on a bed of baby rice
Chicken Wings *wink* with celery and pencil shavings
Hamburger Sliders, now with beef

Or you can have our “Soup Du Jour,” or a salad. We like to keep our salads as fresh as possible, so depending on the season and the last time Cletus mowed the lawn, you can enjoy some delicious greens.

Besides our half off apps, we are also offering, for a short time, a special deal. You bring in your own road kill and we’ll cook it up for you on the cheap! There’s no better deal than that! Oh wait, there is! Bring in any game you bag that day and we will prepare it to your liking. Please remember to remove all buckshot first, it makes chewing easier.

What about dessert? I’ll tell you what about desert! Homemade ice cream using the rock salt that is used to salt the roads in the winter, so you know its quality cream! Flavors include, but are not limited to: Vanilla, Chocolate, Possum, Orangina, Toes, Bud Light, Real Chocolate, Rubber, Appleberrry, Long johns, Lettuce and Chode, (my favorite!).

Well, that’s all the time I gots in this here commercial, but be sure to stop on by Chester’s Sloppy Seconds for a full look at our menu. We gots all types of seafood, or at least water-based animals, and our entrees can’t be beat. Why, lets just ask this fellow over here!

“Say stranger, how’re them eats treatin you today?”
“Well Chester…”
“You don’t know me, remember? Follow the script.”
“But the restaurant is named after you, plus we go fishing every Sund…”

Yep that’s right folks, the food is so good, it done made this fella delusional. And who doesn’t want that in a good meal?!

So hitch a ride, drive a tractor or ride moose, bring the wife and kids. Hell, bring the sister/wife, we don’t judge down here. My sister is also my mom, so you’re in good company. Come and enjoy the full dining experience of haute cuisine at Chester’s Sloppy Seconds today!

*Take I-666 for seven miles past Old Doc Brooks’ feed bag, until you see a dirt road exit on your right. Be sure to be driving some sort of four-wheeler, those puddles on the track can get up to three feet deep in the summer. And don’t even get me started on the mud. Anyway, stay on that for a couple of miles, try to avoid the indigenous, radioactive, cannibal rednecks and you’ll be at the restaurant in no time!*

Reading Tea Leaves Part 1

Some things in life cannot be controlled. Some things defy logic and reason. Science cannot explain them. Jesus is stumped and Neil DeGrasse Tyson can only look on in perplexity. When these things happen and when future events must be predicted, Swami Josh says there is only one place to look:
To the stars…

ARIES
March 20-April 20

Aries, as the first in the Astrological signs, yours is what sets the tone for the rest of the Zodiac. Good for you! Fortune favors the bold! In fact, you should keep the ball rolling on the whole being first thing. Need to get on the bus or the subway? Push everybody else out of your way. Is it either you or that old lady for the last seat? Not anymore. You snooze, you lose, granny!

Let’s take it further. You should most certainly be the first person to buy whatever new technology comes out, whether you need it or not. For you, this is a continuing trend. I know you bought that Google Glass the day it came out. How’s that working out for you? Perfectly, I’m guessing. Keep it up buddy! ­

TAURUS
April 20-May 21

I might be a prognosticator and all, but right off the bat, I’m gonna tell you that these “cusp” dates make no sense and are only going to make for future trouble. But hey, I didn’t make the rules, so let’s just get into it.

So, Taurus, how’s it going? How’re your parents? They get that garden set up? They’d better hurry, it’s almost summer. Oh well, none of it matters anyway. Because they’re about to die from Dengue Fever. 

Yeah, sorry about that. Turns out their rain garden has the perfect compilation of stagnant standing water and African foliage to attract tsetse flies (who knew?*). Their fates are sealed. So, knowing that, now is the time to really cozy up to them and make sure you get a nice juicy cut in their wills. Tell your sister to screw off.

Buy a boat. You’ll see why…

GEMINI

May 21-June 21

Hey Gemini, do you remember the American Gladiator of the same name? What was that about? And did anybody ever win that show? I know I could have totally dodged all those damn tennis balls.

But I digress.

Alright Gemini, I’m gonna lay it out straight. I know you’re a smart cat, you don’t believe in all that “retrograde,” “waxing” and “waning” junk. You’re too clever, too on the ball. You see right through all these “predictions”, so there’s no use trying to trick you. I like that. You’re a solid, reasonable person, and you have a good point. All of these free “horoscopes” are for chumps. If I was really going to tell somebody their future, their future where they could end up being millionaires or famous movie stars, why would I give that information away for free? That’s a bad business model right there and benefits nobody. So let me tell you my secret. The REAL horoscopes are part of a monthly subscription service I run. For a low $50 per month, I will hook you up with the quality horoscopes. You will get only the finest of tea leaf-readings, crystal ball-gazing and tarot card-flipping. DM me for information. Be sure to have your credit card number ready. Trust me.

CANCER
June 21-July 23

Cancer, first things first. Why the hell is your symbol a lobster? I know trying to symbolize cancer isn’t easy, but a lobster? You should be ashamed! Even Gemini’s two naked dudes shaking hands is better than a lobster, (but just barely). Why not a lit cigarette, or a cell phone next to somebody’s head? Those are both valid cancer symbols.

Anyway, Cancers! Listen to me and listen to me well! Do not say anything. Do not question my methods. Do not pass Go or collect $200. Know and obey only this: You can only wear blue socks on your left foot for the rest of the year. It’s the only way. The only way for what? I told you to not ask questions! Damn, you just ruined the whole thing. If you can’t even follow simple directions, then what’s the point?

Good luck Cancer, you’re on your own.

                                                                 ***

Alright, That’s all for now. Using my spiritual juices has left me spent and drained. I must go rest and regain my otherworldly powers for further predictions. And for now, Swami Josh shall repose.

*I did. I know all.

Veni, Vidi, Vici, Columbus Style

Gather ‘round children, and come hear the wondrous tale of the most amazing and adventurous explorer who ever sailed the eight seas! (People think there are only seven, but you gotta use the Konami Code to unlock the eighth one.) Of course, I am speaking of Captain Jack Sparrow!

Oh wait, I’m being told that’s incorrect. I guess I meant to say Christopher Columbus. Really? That Turd Ferguson? Seems a lot less interesting. Does he at least fight a kraken? No? What about Cluthlu? Shit. A penguin? Alright, fine. I’ll take it from the top.

Gather ‘round boys and girls, and make sure to bring that bottle of jack with you, cause you’re in for a mind-bendingly stupid story about money, avarice, religion, selfishness, tyranny, spices,* colonization, slavery and really bad navigational skills. No ninja though, so get that idea out of your head right now and settle in for a bunch of garbage.

Once upon a time that was this Italian cat named Christopher “Salami Pants” Columbus. From an early age, Chris used to love being out at sea, sometimes even in a boat. His nautical journeys led him as far north as Iceland (to rock out to some brutal 15^th century speed lute, no doubt) and as far south as Ghana. Truly he was all about that Waterworld life.

At some point, in ways that baffle historians to this day, Christopher “Take the Canoli” Columbus was able to convince the rulers of Castile and Aragon that he could get them some bomb ass spices from the Far East, by going west. Truly, when this decision was made, it was in a room of geniuses.

Columbus: Okay your highnesses, dig this: I have figured out that the best way to get to the Far East, (hold on to your king hats for this) is to…GO WEST!!!!
Monarchs of Castile and Aragorn: Seems legit.

So, with that impeachable logic, in 1492, Columbus and his bosun mate Smee got into their three ships the Nina, the Pinta and the General Lee and set sail in the exact opposite direction of the place they wanted to go. Because, exploration! Or something.

Let me give a little backstory here. You see, back in the old days, spices were very important in the consumption of food, because food back then suuuuuuuuucked. So bland. So much tasteless mush in your mouth. And because neither Cholula nor Siracha had been invented yet, people had to find other ways to bring their dishes to life. Luckily India was around and those Indians never found a spice or leaf or seed they wouldn’t eat. It was a very aromatic country. Fun fact, the Indians also invented toilet paper. For obvious reasons. So spices were highly regarded in the Old World. A handful of turmeric would easily get you one night with a syphilitic Portuguese hooker. So, you know, spices.

Anywho, after 40 monotonous days and 40 boring nights, (I think that’s right) C-Dawg and his crew arrived in the Bahamas, healthy, full of vim and vinegar and fewer instances of oceanic debauchery and sodomy than one would have expected.

Now a normal person, i.e. you or me, upon arrival in the Bahamas, would get some kind of lovely adult beverage in a coconut cup and chill out at the beach scoping the fly hunnies all day. But as previously established, Columbus doesn’t think like a normal person. Realizing that there were no spices to be had and that he had committed a royal boner, Chrissy-poo decided to snatch up some natives and bring them back instead. “Spices, people, they’re pretty much the same thing, right?” he mused.

Apparently, the monarchs of the countries that sponsored him lived entirely on a diet of lead paint chips, because they sent Columbus back three more times to get that shit right. Or maybe Columbus was just a really smelly guy and they didn’t want him around stinking up the place. The truth is lost to the ages.

Now, as people have come to learn in the lasts few decades and as they grow older in life, is that the story of Chris “I directed the first two Harry Potter movies” Columbus isn’t as cut and dry as they try to teach our simple-minded selves in elementary school. Columbus managed to reach just about every island to the east of North America, without setting foot in our actual country at all. He hit up Hispaniola (and lived there for a while, bedding those indigenous wenches) Haiti, (bedding some zombified wenches) Trinidad and Cuba, where he had a really good sandwich.

And as we also know, those wacky Vikings had beat Columbus to actual North America 500 years prior. As featured in the oft overlooked Karl Urban movie Pathfinder. That movie was tits! Not to be outdone, and being the trendsetter that he was, Columbus played a very large role in the extinction of the Taino people of the Caribbean. What a classy guy.

These days, people get up in arms about our having a national holiday named after this dude. There is a strong movement to change Columbus Day to Indigenous Peoples Day. They claim that Columbus was a real asshole and his actions and love of slavery and burning shit to the ground should not serve as a role model for current and future generations. And who knows kiddies, they may be right. While it’s true that he sounds like a bad dude, who sowed misery and pain everywhere he went, on the other hand, he inspired and age of exploration in the New World so that others could get in on that misery and pain game. It’s a bit of a gray area. But you wanna know what I think about Christopher Columbus?

That son-of-a-bitch didn’t ever manage to find Waldo.

*He who controls the spice, controls the universe.

Let's Never Do The Time Warp Again

Recently, for the “podcast” Saturday Morning Something or other… in which I’m involved (the word is in quotes because like many things I’m involved with, it’s a bit questionable*) my co-host and I went to a midnight screening of The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

For those not in the know about midnight screenings of said movie, allow me to elucidate you. The Rocky Horror Picture Show (from hereon out to be referred to as TRHPS to save me from having to type that shit out every time) is a bad 70s horror-spoof musical movie based on a bad 70s horror spoof musical stage play. It’s about sweet transvestite aliens from the planet Transsexual and the wacky sexual hijinks they get into while on Earth. There are songs, plenty of dancing and even an orgy in a pool. It’s one of Tim Curry’s best performances.

Unfortunately, when the movie was released in theaters, it bombed like the Enola Gay. ** A year later it was played in a New York theater around midnight, garnered (I’ve always wondered about that word, how does one ‘garner’ something?) a cult following and arguably became the first audience participation movie.

An AP movie is a movie wherein people interact with what they’re seeing on the screen. Be it responding to things characters are saying in the flick, yelling at the screen, throwing things at the movie and at each other, or using props to act scenes out, audience participation movies draw in the viewers and make them apart of the experience. They’re ever so much fun!

In theory. The reality can be much more…disconcerting…and saggy.

To watch the movie, my co-host Fred and I went to E Street Cinema, a theater in DC known for showing movies that aren’t completely mainstream. You wanna see the latest Jason Statham shoot-em-up? Take your ass to Regal Megaplex. You want to spend three-and-a-half hours watching the latest art house film about some little girl in Tibet with no arms who writes beautiful poetry while you chomp on a $10 artisanal panini, you go to E Street. Get it?

As soon as we were seated, the first thing we noticed was that half of the audience was just chillin in their underwear. “Oh, it’s gonna be that kind of party,” I said to Fred. “Let’s see where this night takes us!

Once everybody was settled in their seats, (including the drunk birthday girl) the group who hosted this monthly event decided to play some games with us to get us loosened up for the movie. They wanted the audience ready to participate. A half-hour of cringe-worthy games followed. They were so awkward that I have sealed them off in the forbidden room in my Memory Palace and couldn’t tell you what the hell we all did even if I could. Moving on!

And so the movie commenced. Now, I have to be straightforward here. I really like TRHPS. I got into it at a young age. I find most of the songs pretty catchy. I even got the soundtrack for Christmas one year. I’ve seen the movie enough to know most of the audience cues, like saying “slut” whenever somebody says the name Janet, or putting a newspaper over my head during a rainy scene. But to make sure we wouldn’t be caught too off foot, Fred and I had done a little research. It’s crazy how many sites there are telling you all the stuff you’re supposed to do as an audience member for that movie.

And then it happened.

At one point, near the end of the movie, Dr. Frank-N-Furter (don’t ask) chases the protagonists around his mansion while they’re in their underwear. Suddenly, half the audience jumped up, stripped down to their underwear (if thy hadn’t done so already) and ran out of the theater and into the lobby, where they cavorted like maniacs for a few minutes before running back into the theater.

Fred and I were speechless. I’ve seen some crazy things in my life, a cat walking on its hind legs, people doing parkour, a pizza that foretold the future, a Snallyghaster, even a Ginger with a soul. But I’ve never seen something all get out stupid as what I had just witnessed.

After the movie, Fred and I conducted a few interviews, including one with a guy who seemed to know all of the audience cues and would create his own, (not at all annoying, super hilarious, you could tell because he kept laughing at everything he said.) It turns out he was the boyfriend of one of the ladies who hosted the monthly viewing, meaning he had to go every time. He had gone from never seeing that movie in his life, to seeing it at least once a month for well over a year. I shot him to put him out of his misery Old Yeller-style and then we left to go drink the memories of what had just occurred out of our brains.

10/10, would recommend.

*For example, we still haven’t settled on a name for the damn thing.

**Look it up. That’s today’s history lesson for ya.

It Takes Two 2 Make A Thing Go Right

There are a few great pairings in the history of the world; peanut butter & jelly, Count Chocula & milk, Run & DMC, a cold beer & a hot day, Bill Murray & Harold Ramis, Romeo & Juliet, pork chops & apple sauce, etc. You get the idea. But truly there is one pairing that stands above them all and puts the rest to shame.

Buddy Cop Movies.

As an art form, buddy cop movies are close to perfection. Forget Hamlet, or King Lear. Forget the Cat in the Hat. Buddy cop flicks got ‘em all beat. We can all remember where we were the first time Riggs and Murtaugh complained about how they were “too old for this shit.” The constant repetition of the name Mike Lowery is forever etched into our brains.

Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?

From your Eddie Murphys and Nick Noltes, your Tangos and Cashes, to your more obscure team ups, like Jay Leno and Mr. Miyagi, (yeah, called Collision Course, and since Leno was in it, it had to be about cars,) or Billy Crystal and Gregory Hines in Running Scared, buddy cop duos run the gamut of possible team-ups.

And why stop there? Animals can be buddies too. For every Turner, there must be an equal and opposite Hooch. Every time Chuck Norris wants to beat up some terrorists, he takes with him a tiny dog named Betty into the fray, and who can blame him? Hell, Jim Belushi and his K-9 have at least 3 movies together under their belt and collar respectively.

Dogs not doing it for you? How about having a cartoon for a buddy? Perhaps a rabbit with a smokin’ hawt wife and who has been framed for wacky murder? No? Not up your alley? What about an obscene, uncouth puppet with a penchant for skeet, skeet, skeeting all over the place? Maybe a clumsy dinosaur from the future who wears clothes and is named Theodore Rex? If that’s not your thang, we can always team you up with you mom, Estelle Getty. She loves to shoot! If you act now, I can set you up with an alien with a weird raisin head and a love for copious amounts of milk. Or my person favorite, the zombie buddy cops in the underground classis Dead Heat. Such a tasty treat!

But hold up fellas, Let’s not try to steal all the buddy cop movies here. Let’s be some classy gents. The Heat, starring Sandra B and Melissa M wasn’t too bad.* According to Wikipedia, Miss Congeniality counts as a buddy cop movie, I don’t know if I believe that, but if true, and  you throw in Demolition Man and Speed into the mix and Sandra Bullock has got the female buddy cop game on lock!

And on top of that, they don’t even have to be cops. They can just be two people forced together by circumstances, who have a mission to complete. Either to clear their own names or to stop an evil villain, or save a bunch of grubby orphans and their filthy orphanage. The possibilities are endless.

What is it about buddy cop movies that endear themselves to us so much? Why are they so timeless? I’m no film school nerdlinger or anything, but I got a theory or two. First of all, people like seeing friends. True not all buddy teams start as friends, and that leads me to the second theory: buddy movies are often about people from opposite sides of the tracks, with different philosophies and views on life, who have to overcome their differences and learn to work together for the betterment of both parties. Each buddy cop movie is a microcosm of those famous words from the right honorable Rodney King: “Can’t we all just get along?” It is in that spirit that a fast-talking cop from the hood can end up being best friends with a Chinese kung fu cop who’s clearly 20 years older than he is, at least.

Also, we like these movies because while the pair is working for the greater good, they can’t be shackled by the lesser rules and regulations that hamstring most officers of the law. They work outside the law to get things done. They’re loose cannons! They’re off the rails! You can have my badge and gun captain, that won’t stop us from bringing down that Amish porn ring!

In the end, buddy cop movies are a little pocket of optimism in this sea of despair in which we live. They show that people can work together despite their differences and get results, and along the way do at least two sick ass car jumps, shoot a dozen people and probably high-five or some shit like that at the end.

So please, take the time this week to get nice and cozy, snuggle up with the one you love, (or at least tolerate) and watch your favorite buddy cop movie. It does a buddy good.

*It wasn’t too good either. Paul Feig sucks at this stuff!