Good evening and thank you for tuning into The Altruistic
Nation Show here on channel 1998, WGYP, Your Donation Station, with the
phrase that pays (us)! “We put the ‘ow!’ in endow!”
I am your host Sir S.G. Thuggish Killington III, Esq. here
with you tonight for a very special episode. Of course, every episode is
special as long as we are able to reach just one person’s heart, which we then
bleed dry of all the money we can get.
Wait a minute, who wrote that on the teleprompter? Ha ha ha,
folks, just a little in-studio joke. Moving on.
We know that for the past three decades Sally Struthers has
berated you to symbolically adopt a child in a third-world country with a
bloated stomach and not enough sense to brush flies away from walking on their
eyeballs. All for the price of coffee. Very noble, very commendable. Very much
a load of horseshit.
It’s all well and good to throw 35 cents a day into a
mailbox and think no further of it, knowing that so shines a good deed in a
weary world or whatever. But we here at WGYP feel that’s a copout. Don’t you
really want to help those less fortunate than yourself? Don’t you truly want to
make a difference in the world around you?
It is often said that charity begins at home and I, for one,
agree. To that end, we at Altruistic Nation are offering a unique and
immersive experience. Why just tell your bougie friends you’re supporting
somebody’s life when you can show them! With our new Adopt-a-Sloth program,
we won’t just send you a picture of little Abebyie in the Ivory Coast, we’ll
send you Greg, the Philosophy major with hundreds of thousands of dollars in
student loan debt to come stay in your house or apartment! You’ll feel the joy
and pride that comes from hosting an unfortunate soul who picked a stupid major
and can therefore not support himself in any meaningful way!
Who wouldn’t want the opportunity to clean up behind a slob
who doesn’t understand what it means to wash their dishes, or that rocky road
ice cream is not a suitable substitute for vegetables at dinner? Just imagine
all the hours you’ll spend washing shit-streaked underwear and ironic tee
shirts for some Hasbro toy line from the 80s! And you reward for all this hard
work? The satisfaction of a job well-done. And, every two weeks, after Greg get
his paycheck from Popeyes, it’s bong time!
If Greg doesn’t fit into what you’re looking for right now
in an Adopt-a-Sloth, not a problem, we have many varieties of slackers for you
to choose from. Our supplies are boundless!
For example, take Black Cherry. She tends to typically work
nights and pretty much only needs a place to sleep during the day. Why not your
bed? You’re not using it! Just make sure to have the sheets disinfected by a
HAZMAT team.
Seriously, whoever is playing around with the prompter needs
to stop before they get my Thuggish boot up they ass.
Anyway, Black Cherry is very gregarious. She loves to talk
and has the skill (amongst many) to make it seem like she’s interested in whatever
moronic garbage spews out of your mouth. And no, that wasn’t a teleprompter
mistake.
Black Cherry has lots for female friends who may often come
by to visit. She also has a few male friends who may also stop by for a quick
drop in from time to time. Oddly enough, they’re all named John.
Another added benefit is that Black Cherry has quite the
exercise regimen. She does a lot of cardio and core work and would be happy to
show you her routines. She also includes pole dancing exercises, which will get
you in shape and teach you the latest dance moves. As a bonus, you get one free
drink per visit at Black Cherry’s job down the street at "Club Wax On/Wax Off".
Anything more than that, be sure to bring cash, credit cards are not accepted. What
fun!
And finally, if neither Greg nor Black Cherry are up your
alley, for a limited time, we do have a third hopeless soul that you can reach
out to and save: Crunchy Joe, the Hamburger Pimp.
Crunchy Joe is a special case and needs your help most of
all. You see, he’s getting treatment at the local methadone clinic for his
addiction to meth and he needs somewhere to stay during treatment and for those
rare* lapses when he uses and comes down and needs a corner in which to vomit
and shit and probably piss as well. Your house is full of corners, can’t you
find it in your heart to spare one?
While Joe needs more attention than a three-year-old with
two left hands, his actual needs are simple. Just throw a mattress on the floor
and keep the fridge stocked with plenty of 40s of St. Ives. He should be able
to keep himself occupied. As so not to rile him or make him angry and violent,
keep all televisions showing nothing but cartoons, preferably My Little Pony,
he loves that shit.
On a last note, hide all knives, scissors and other sharp
implements and buy a safe to store all of your valuables. There are weird
people out there these days. Just an FYI.
Thank you for joining me on tonight’s episode of Altruistic
Nation and we really appreciate all of the help that you are putting forth.
The giving. The sharing. The more giving, to me. You make this old Thuggish
Killington shed a gangsta-ass tear. Please contact our operators at the number
at the bottom of the screen to get the process started. That’s 1-800-Give-Now.
That’s 1-800-448-3669.
Call. Call now. Call now or I swear to god you’re gonna
be waking up with a severed horse head in your bed.
OK! THAT’S IT! WHO IS MESSING WITH THE DAMN TELEPROMPTER???!
*Not rare
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