Group Therapy Gets Results!

Dr. Gooch: Good evening everybody. I want to welcome you all to tonight’s SA meeting. I see we have some new faces here. That’s always good. Spreading the word of what we are doing is always a plus. We’re here for support. To help each other and ourselves and I think that we’re doing a good job. Remember, progress happens at your own speed; it isn’t a contest. Most importantly, we just want to share our stories and to show that we’re not all alone out there in the world. We’re a community. We have much in common and together, we can grow. And if we choose to, change.

In that vein, Fred, would you like to go first and share what’s going on with you and how you feel?

Fred: Okay, sure. Hello, my name is Freddy and I’m a Slasher.

Group: Hi Freddy.

Freddy: Hi. Ummm. So I feel like I’m kind of in a rut at work. Back in the 70s, I was known as the Springwood Slasher, and I was very proud of that. It was very early in my career as a Slasher. I was abusing kids and killing them left and right. I know what some people might say, killing kids is easy, but in some ways, isn’t that what makes it fun?

*murmurs of assent around the circle of chairs*

Then, after I hit the big time, I switched from kids to teens. It was great at first, I got a lot more cardio in, I got to explore their imaginations and express myself more creatively. But then, after stalking teens for the last 40 or so years, it’s gotten to be very routine, you know? How many ditzy blondes can a guy kill in their dreams? They don’t have imaginations! Their idea of a horrible nightmare is being a size too big when they go shopping. It’s so boring.

Jason: So true.

Dr. Gooch: Did you have something you’d like to say Jason?

Jason: In fact, I do. Hello, my name’s Jason and I’m a Slasher.

Group: Hello Jason.

I’m in total agreement with Fred. While I don’t employ the same techniques as he does, I do work in the teen field, more specifically, the vapid, horny verity. What’s even worse is that I’m hamstrung by pretty much only operating one season a year. It’s so monotonous murdering idiotic, sun-tanned teens in regrettable-looking short shorts every summer. Of the few times I was allowed to leave my usual spots, I pretty much just went to NYC and was killed before I got any good sightseeing in, or I went to outer space where I got killed before I even figured out how space toilets work.

Dr. Gooch: Well, it does sound like you’re both are just kind of going through the motions. Have you considered branching out? Maybe targeting smart teens perhaps? How about, say, killing kids who win science fairs? Or valedictorians only?

Jason: Gees, thanks doc. What am I, a bully? Come on, it’s 2020. That’s intelligence shamming!

Freddy: He has a point Dr. Gooch. While they may be stupider, at least jocks and camp counselors give you a little more bang for your buck. I once killed a nerd using comic book characters. It was so embarrassing, I almost quit right there.

Dr. Gooch: Okay, if that’s not to your liking, perhaps others is the group can offer suggestions?

Michael: Howdy everybody, you all know me, you know how I make my living. I’m Michael and I’m a Slasher.

Group: Hi Mike.

Michael: So, I think with you guys, you’ve both taken your specialization too far. You start with some kind of vengeance motive, which is both classic and an appropriate approach in our line of work, but you then limit yourselves by who you deem qualifies to be in a very small category…

Freddy: Says the guy who has been trying to kill the same sister for the last fifty years.

Michael: Hey! She might not be my sister, jury’s still out on that. Also, I’m pretty sure I killed her almost 20 years ago. I guess it didn’t stick. Anyway, I don’t just try to kill one person, I also kill everybody who gets in my way. While you guys like to hide and make your potential victims look like crazy, hallucinating morons, I just get straight to the point. I want to drive that car? Kill the guy with the car keys. I want that kitchen knife? Kill that housewife with a different kitchen knife and then trade up. You randomly have a William Shatner mask? I’mma stab you in the crotchular region and take it. See? It’s very fulfilling.   

Jason: You have a point, but also, you’re not supernatural like the rest of us. So you can’t afford the luxury of stalking on our level. The best you can do is hide under sheets or in closets for, like, five minutes.

Michael: Wow. Not supernatural. You had to go there? Way to rub it in Vorhees.

Pinhead: Gentlemen, may I suggest that you are going about this all wrong? The killing is only one aspect of what we do. We must always remember to bathe in the sweet mixture of agony and ecstasy that we create. Ours is an existence of both dark and light. The desires of the flesh and the exquisite suffering of the soul. To that end, you should make sure you have plenty of chains and sharp hooks and be sure that your prey is completely nak…

Group: Pass!

Freddy: Man, I’m a child molester and you go too far even for me. Stop mixing the pain and pleasure stuff!

Candyman: I don’t know, I thought he made some valid points.

Dr. Gooch: Okay, let’s put a pin in it there for now, and we’ll all come back for the next Slashers Anonymous meeting on Tuesday. Leatherface, I believe you’ll be in charge of refreshments for that?

Leatherface: You know it! I hope everybody is down with the paleo diet, cause there’s gonna be plenty of meat.

Group: Hard Pass!