Host: Hello, and welcome to another episode of Improve
or Move!, I’m your host, Bob Villa. Today we’re here at 84 Glyde St., in
Toledo, Ohio. This three-bedroom, two-bathroom ranch-style house is 1,500
square feet and is situated on 2 acres of land in the prime, on-the-rise
neighborhood of Prizraki Quarter, on the west side of Toledo.
This home was built in 1956 and seems to be situated above not
just one, but 14 Indian Burial Sites, six Pet Semataries, nine burned down
insane asylums, four orphanages where the children all died from radon
poisoning*, two interdimensional Celtic portals (one straight to Hell, one to
where the Cenobites live), 12 alien anal-probing encounters and is also the
location of where Kanye proposed to Kim.
And yet, even with all that territorial bad juju, the family
that moved in two years ago, the Maitlands, had not truly experienced anything
paranormal until, well, just a few months ago, isn’t that right Adam?
Adam: That’s right Bob. About four months ago. We
started to experience some spooky occurrences: doors opening, windows closing,
chairs stacking themselves in impossible ways. You know, the base level stuff.
We asked our neighbors if they had heard our screams of terror at night or
experienced strange happenings themselves. They told us to just relax, it’s
normal around here and it’ll run its course soon.
Bob: Did it?
Adam: Hell no Bob! Things just escalated. First our
reflections in the mirror tried chocking us every time we brushed our teeth or
hair. Next, the refrigerator tried to eat us. Then the elevator started opening
its doors and gallons upon gallons of blood would come pouring out. This is a
one-story house Bob, where’d the elevator come from?!
Bob: Was there anything else?
Adam: Oh sure. There was the knock knock…
Bob: Ah yes. Knocking on walls and whatnot is very
typical of these types of situations.
Adam: Not knocking Bob. Knock knock jokes! Do
you know how many times you can hear about interrupting cows or how “orange you
glad I didn’t say banana” before you go insane? The jokes were so bad, they
made the maggots the spirits put in our food seem subdued in comparison.
Bob: Maggots are a great source of protein. Anyway
Adam, let me give you a quick rundown on what we’re going to be doing to your
house this episode. First, we’re going to take out your cement driveway. We’re
instead going to replace it with gravel made out of pulverized stone from the
dungeons under the Tower of London. Those medieval cells were consecrated by
Pope Pullum Stercore the Cowering. Let’s go over there now and check it out.
Hi Faustus, what can you tell us about this new driveway?
Faustus: Well Bob, we imported this gravel all the
way from England. This stone has absorbed the suffering and pain of hundreds of
guilty and innocent souls throughout the generations and as such makes a great
“roach motel” for ghosts. Spooks check in, but they don’t check out.
Bob: Great! And over here Adam you’ll see that we
adding Inca-era gargoyles to the eaves of your house. See how they’re spread
out every 6.66 feet and basically circle the whole house? You’ll get excellent
360-degree protection with these babies. The glyphs inscribed on the base of
each one is a powerful incantation. These grotesqueries will ward off anything
from a low-ranking wandering specter, to a poltergeist, to little drowned white
girls, all the way to demons from the sixth circle of Hades.
Adam: Why do they all look like horribly-visaged succubae,
ready to strip the flesh from our bones?
Bob: They actually look like Kesha, and that’s to
scare away solicitors and Jehovah’s Witnesses.
Adam: Cleaning the gutters is going to suck now.
Bob: Come around to the backyard so we can show you
what else we’re working on…
Worker: Bob! Bob! We’ve got a slight emergency over
here by the air conditioning unit.
Bob: What is it, Gus?
Gus: As you know, instead of functioning as it
should, the AC unit has been blowing the feted, putrid air of a thousand
bloated, rotting corpses throughout the house. Well, the Voodoo High Priest who
was supposed to come today and bless the unit with spells, chicken heads and
incense, missed his flight and according to Santeria law, he’s not allowed to
board another plane until after a goat has been sacrificed during the third
full moon in one month. And we’re just not budgeted for that.
Bob: Okay, we’ll go with the backup. Bring out the
Tibetan Shaman and we’ll set up the Mandalas. Easy fix!
Well, that’s about it today on Improve or Move!. Tune
in next time when we install, for the Maitlands, a breakfast séance nook,
remodel Adam’s study into a library to house grimoires to fight the forces of
malevolence and we crank up the Holy Water Hot Tub out back. Remember: the
Power of Christ compels you to have a good week. Bye everybody!
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