Noshin' While Joshin'

Josh: They were huge stars in their heyday. Stars of music, television and movies. But exactly where are they now? That’s tonight’s topic on “Nosh with Josh”, the show where I interview a group of fascinating people, while offering them some yummy snack food, because my fridge just died and this shit will spoil soon anyway. 

(applause)

Our panelists tonight are some very interesting “blasts from the past.” And we’ll get to them in a moment, but first, let’s take a look at today’s noshibles! Here, behind me, you’ll notice what appear to be normal corn dogs, but instead of typical beef franks inside, it’s actually scrumptious penguin meat! Next to that we have onion rings. The interesting thing about these onions is that they comprise the entire harvest this year of the Fahrvergnügen Tribe of the Southern Amazon. They most likely won’t survive the year. C’est la vie! Lastly, we have a nice, light salad with spinach leaves drizzled with gold and tomatoes dipped in silver. It is entirely inedible! But damn it looks good.

(applause)

Now with the food being presented, let’s move on to our guests tonight. Up first is the original sexy, muscular man himself: Gerardo!

Gerardo: Hola. Good to be here, somewhere…anywhere actually.

Josh: How very depressing. Next, on Gerardo’s left, we have our favorite Big Fat Miposian Cousin: Bronson Pinchot!

Bronson: Hi Josh. By the way, quick question: what does penguin taste like?

Josh: Buttery, juicy heaven. But don’t take my word for it, mosey on over there and try a corn dog. As a special treat, the mustard is infused with Salma Hayek’s breast milk! Alright, next up is the adorable munchkin who knows the weight of a human head: Jonathan Lipnicki!

Jonathan: Thanks and hello Josh! Wanna know how much my DICK weighs?!

Josh: I can have security drag your adorable ass out of here with a snap of my fingers. Lastly and very much least, we have “That dude you know who peaked in high school!”

That dude: Hey man, good to…

Josh: It sure is. Why don’t you stuff your face with some food while the rest of grown-ups talk?

Jonathan: Well actually, I think he’s older than I am. I mean, I know I didn’t go to high school with that guy.

Josh: I can feel the migraine forming already. Mr. Suave! Let’s start with you. What are you up to these days? Still getting those residuals 21 years later?

Gerardo: Listen man! I’m sick of this! Ever since that goddamn song came out (in 1991!) People think my name is Rico Suave. Everywhere I go, it’s Rico this, Suave that. It’s never-ending. It’s inescapable. My life is a nightmare that only the sweet release of death can fix. I am GERARDO!!!!

Josh: Ha ha ha! I know what your name is, I just don’t care.

Gerardo: That’s the response I usually get. I’m not really up to much these days. Just getting by. On the bright side, it looks like acid-washed jeans with holes in the knees are coming back, so maybe I’ll be back in style one day?

Josh: Keep hope alive man. 

(applause)

Moving on to Mr. Pinchot, tell me sir, you were a huge star in the 80s, everywhere people went, they’d see your giant schnozzle on their tv and movie screens. How’s life treating you these days in Mipos?

Bronson: That’s both funny and original. For the last few decades I’ve been doing a lot of voiceover work, kids’ shows, video games, cartoons, I dip my fingers into a lot of different pies. Very lucrative.

That dude: Hey, I remember you man! You’re that Urkel kid! You used to say “Not the Mamma! Not th…”

Bronson & Josh: Shut up.

Josh: Well, I’m glad you’re doing well. Are you going to reprise your famous role of Serge for the upcoming Beverly Hills Cop 4?

Bronson: What? There’s going to be another…

Josh: Oops, guess I let the cat out of the bag there. My bad. Maybe some of these delightful onion rings will make you feel better. Chow down with glee as you think about how some kid with a distended belly is starving to death far away in the jungle. Trust me, that’s a better seasoning than salt!

Next is the little charmer himself: Generic 90s cute kid!

Jonathan: You can call me John for short.

Josh: Like it matters.

Gerardo: See? He’s an ass! He did the same thing to me!

Josh: Silence you! There’s a bar in the back if you want a cold cerveca.
John! My pint-sized man! What are you up to? Haven’t seen you in…decades, it seems.

Jomathan: Well actually, much like Balki…

Bronson: Hey! Some professional courtesy?!

Jonathan: Sorry, habit. Anyway, like Bronson, I’ve been doing a lot of stuff. I’m very much still in the game in Hollywood. My IMDB page is quite extensive.

Josh: Oh yeah? Name one thing besides Jerry McGuire that I’ve seen you in.

Jonathan: …Dawson’s Creek?

Josh: Thought so. Well, that’s about it for tonight’s episode of "Nosh with Josh". Join me next time when…

That dude: Hey, what about me guy?

Audience: SHUT UP!