What to Do When Your Birthday Celebrates the Dead

Some people are fortunate/unfortunate enough to be born around, or on holidays. It usually tends to be a disadvantage for those people. For example, if you’re born around Christmas, you’re screwed for life. Ain’t nobody, no matter how related to you they are, no matter how many bullets you took for them, gonna shell out two presents for one person. Merry Birthday and Happy Christmas, now get the hell out of here!

Some people have wacky birthdays. I have a friend who was born on February 29^th, so even though he’s a grown ass man with a family, and a career and probably a mortgage and a receding hairline*, he doesn’t turn ten years old until 2020.

And even though it’s not actually a holiday, more like a cosmic event you can set your watch to, we all know that Mark Twain was born in 1835, just a couple of weeks after Hailey’s Comet flew through the heavens. The comet gave Twain the powers of SUPER RACISM!, in that not only did he not get in trouble for throwing the N-Word around like so many dollar bills at Good Guys Nite Club, but the more times he used racial slurs in his work, the more his books became American classics and were forcibly shoved into the eyeballs and evolving brains of United States youth.

Then Twain died in 1910, the next time Hailey’s Comet gave us a quick stop-by. Although after that whole racism thing, that seems a lot less interesting.

Also, you’ve got people like me whose birthdays coincide with holidays, though perhaps not very well-known holidays in these great states of ours.

Depending on your religious proclivities, or geographical location, or race, or if you prefer smooth peanut butter over crunchy, I was born on All Souls’ Day, or Dia de Muertos, or Dia de los Muertos, if you’re not into the whole brevity thing. In other words, the Day of the Dead.

First off, lemme give a quick shout out to my fellow Deadites. We have the best birthday you could ever want. It’s tits! The only thing that sucks is that growing up, all my birthday parties tended to be two days prior to my birthday and involved a lot of trick-or-treating. I guess two birds with one stone or some shit for my lazy parents.  

The Day of the Dead, is actually a third of three-day observance, especially in certain Christian denominations, (such as Catholicism,) especially in the western parts of the world. Halloween, All Saints’ Day and All Souls’ Day usher in the season of Allhallowstide. And while the name may sound ominous or macabre, it’s actually a celebration of the life of the departed.

In ancient American history, the Aztecs used to hold celebrations at the beginning of summer to the goddess Mictecacihuatl, (and if you can say that five times fast, I’ll give you my first-born son.) Her name translates to Lady of the Dead, which is odd, because I thought that was my ex-girlfriend’s nickname in bed. Mictec’s was the queen of the underworld and her job was to look over the bones of the dead, usher in the dead to the underworld (probably with coupons for the jaguar buffet) and kinda just be there for all the festivals in her honor. It was a pretty good gig.

These festivals were mostly observed in southern Mexico until the 16 century, when those wacky Christians came on over and tried to explain to the indigenous people in the New World how they were praying to their gods incorrectly, and while they were at it, had the indigenous people considered praying to a different god altogether? This other god was white, therefore much better!

And in this fashion, the Latin American festivals honoring the life and times of their deceased friends and ancestors, got mixed up with eastern religious observances, which is why it was moved from the beginning of summer to the end of October.

By the rockin 20^th century, Dia de Muertos moved upward to encompass more of northern Mexico and eventually became a national holiday. During this period there are festivals, parades, makeshift altars, called ofrendas are built at the gravesites of ancestors. It’s the one time of year cemeteries are poppin off. People wear skull masks and vibrant clothes and often, James Bond comes through to kick a bunch of dudes out of a helicopter and blow shit up or whatever.

South and Central America and the traditions and beliefs contained therein, are not the only locations on this great big ball of stupidity we call Earth take place. Many Eastern disciplines, beliefs and ways of life involve ancestor worship. The idea of traveling to the burial sites of those who have come before us to make the world a better place for us, just as we strive to do for the next generation,** is both proper and expected in these cultures. Of course, much of that changed in the past century as the stifling grip of socialism has taken over many Eastern Asian countries and their observances, such as ancestor worship have all but been stamped out under the guise of it being a superstition And therefore not allowed.

But in the end, you don’t really need a specific day of the year, or religious belief to remember the ones who have passed. Pick up a photo album, google your own family name (weirdo), do a 23 and Me, or hang out with Doc Brown for a bit. Those are all acceptable ways to remember our forefathers and mothers. Or, if you’re hanging with Doc Brown, it’s a good way to get that Oedipus Complex off of your chest once and for all!

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I may not be dead, but I got some celebrating to do.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME SUCKAS!

*Only guessing here Tom, nothing personal!

**Unless you’re Trump, in which case your motto is: “Get the Money and Let God Sort the Rest Out.”

The AMAZING True Story of the REAL Great Pumpkin

If you’re familiar with Charlie Brown and the Peanuts gang, then I’m sure you’re aware of the Great Pumpkin, (If you’re not familiar with Charlie Brown, then you need to get right with Jesus.) The way Linus van Pelt tells it, the story goes like this: Every Halloween night, the Great Pumpkin travels the land (America only. Other countries got to get their own damn Great Pumpkins, or Great Beaver if it’s Canada), to find the sincerest, most humble pumpkin patch, where he showers the kiddies with toys, like a poor man’s Santa Claus, or a rich man’s Jack Skellington.

What makes a pumpkin patch sincere? Who knows? Why are there still pumpkins in a pumpkin patch on Halloween night? No clue. Seems like a bad business model, there’s no secondary Halloween next week or whatever.

Anyway, we never learn if Linus is correct or sincere or anything, because the Great Pumpkin never shows up. Leaving him despondent and severely depressed. It’s only through intense therapy and long, deep conversations with his blanket that he is finally able to return to the world and wait for the sad cycle to repeat next Halloween. Those Peanuts kids need to straight up do an intervention instead of just making fun of him to his face and calling him a damn “Blockhead” all night.

But I digress.

Linus’ story of the Great Pumpkin intrigued me. Why is it that only Linus know about this Halloween spirit? Where did he learn about the Great Pumpkin? How doth he cometh to know the lore of said cultivar of the Cucubita Pepo variety of squash?

So I decided to dig into this story on my own, like some kind of loser Gen Z geek with too much time on his hands, who wants to jump on the overloaded investigatory podcast bandwagon.

And what I discovered was anything but fun kiddy comic strip stuff.

My first (and only) step on my research adventure was the most logical and involved the least amount of moving: the Internet. So I got on my computer, used my dial-up modem, and logged onto America Online. My first stop was AskJeeves.com, but I got nothing, so I moved on to dogpile.com, still my quest was fruitless, I tried one last time with lycos.com and again came up empty-handed. I was baffled, those were my go-to search engines.

I decided to think outside the box and try this website I had heard of called “Wikipedia,” and here’s where things get weird. As soon as I entered “Great Pumpkin” in the search bar, the computer screen went dark for a few seconds, as if it had been shut off. I figured something must have happened, so I crawled behind the desk to the power strip and unplugged it, so I could plug the computer back in after 30 seconds, (because I think I heard that in a tv show once?)

After I unplugged the computer I sat and waited for the 30 seconds, but before the time was up, I saw that there were words on the screen in large orange letters, all caps, in Comic Sans, the scariest font there is.

DO NOT MEDDLE IN AFFAIRS BEYOND YOUR UNDERSTANDING. It read.

Confused, I look again at the power strip. The computer was still unplugged.
Why Not? I typed.

THE HISTORY OF THE GREAT PUMPKIN IS ONE OF GREAT SORROW AND SUFFERING. SUFFERING THAT SHALL BE VISITED TWO-FOLD UPON THE UNWORTHY.

What makes me unworthy?

YOUR CHOICE OF FOOTWEAR.

I looked down at my feet.

So I’m wearing Velcro Pro Wings. What does that matter? Who are you?

I AM HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED.

BUT YOU MAY CALL ME STEVE.

Alright Steve. Please impart unto me the secrets and the origin of the Great Pumpkin and how the legend came to be. I chafe to have this knowledge.

IF I WERE TO TELL YOU, YOUR HEART WOULD EXPLODE, YOUR BOWELS WOULD RELEASE EVERYTHING IN YOUR BODY, INCLUDING YOUR ORGANS. YOU WOULD EXPEL EVERY BONE IN YOUR BODY THROUGH YOUR URETHRA. YOUR BRAIN WOULD LEAK OUT OF YOUR EARS AND YOUR EYEBALLS WOULD LEAK OUT OF YOUR NOSE. THE COMMON MORTAL COULD WITHSTAND SUCH THINGS.

I could handle it.

OK

Sweet. I’m ready when you are.

ONCE UPON A TIME, IN ANCIENT SUMERIA, WHICH YOU NOW KNOW AS THE MIDDLE-EAST, THERE WAS A TRIBE OF NOMADS. WHILE MANY TRIBES WERE NOMADIC, MANY TOOK UP RESIDENCE NEAR THE EUPHRATES AND TIGRIS RIVERS, IN WHAT BECAME KNOWN AS THE CRADLE OF CIVILIZATION. 

HOWEVER, THIS TRIBE WAS DIFFERENT, THEY DIDN’T WORSHIP THE USUAL SUMERIAN GODS, SUCH AS ZOROASTER, KNOWN AS ZARATHUSTRA, OR EVEN GHOZER THE GOZARIAN. INSTEAD, THIS TRIBE WORSHIPED A RARE TYPE OF PLANT THAT ONLY GREW IN ONE PART OF THE DESERT AND WAS ONLY DISCOVERED BY THE TRIBE BY ACCIDENT. THE FRUIT OF THIS PLANT, WHICH THEY DEEMED “LUMPY PENIS SHAPE” (BECAUSE THE WORD ‘GOURD’ HAD NOT BEEN INVENTED YET) KEPT THE TRIBE FROM STARVING IN DESPERATE TIMES.

EVENTUALLY, THE GOURD WAS WORSHIPED AND IDOLIZED SO MUCH THAT IT ACTUALLY ASCENDED AND BECAME A HOLY DEITY, DISPENSING OUT REWARDS AND PUNISHMENTS TO THE GOOD AND THE WICKED ALIKE.  

IN TIME, THIS TRIBE SET ASIDE ONE DAY OF THE YEAR FOR THIS GREAT GOURD TO TRAVEL THE VAST DESERT OF SUMERIA SO IT COULD JUDGE THE GOOD AND THE WICKED AND PASS OUT JUDGMENT ON THE UNDESERVING. 

FOR THE WICKED AND INSINCERE, THEIR PUNISHMENT WAS NO LESS THAN A SLOW, AGONIZING DEATH, WHERE THEY SUFFERED IN TORMENT FOR 30 DAYS AND 30 NIGHTS. THE PAIN AND MISERY THEY EXPERIENCED WAS INDESCRIBABLE.  

FOR THE GOOD AND HUMBLE, THEY WERE SHOWERED WITH GIFTS OF HERBS AND SHEEP AND GOAT’S MILK AND FULL-SIZED CANDY BARS. AND THEY WERE INVITED TO JOIN THE TRIBE, TO INCREASE THE AMOUNT OF LAND THAT ALL COULD SHARE.

THROUGHOUT THE YEARS, AS THESE SUMERIANS DIED OFF, THE GREAT GOURD WENT INTO HIBERNATION, WAITING TO BE REDISCOVERED AND REBORN. IN THE EARLY 20^TH CENTURY, OCCULTIST AND SATANIST ALEISTER CROWLEY DISCOVERED ANCIENT SUMERIAN SCROLLS AND WITH TREMENDOUS DIFFICULTY AND THE DEATH OF THREE OF HIS FOLLOWERS, CROWLEY WAS ABLE TO SUMMON AND GIVE REBIRTH TO THE GREAT GOURD.

AS TIME PASSED, THE GREAT GOURD HAS CONTINUED ITS MISSION, THOUGH WITHOUT THE GUIDANCE OF THE SUMERIANS, COMBINED WITH THE CENTURIES OF BEING DORMANT, THE GREAT GOURD WAS NOT ENTIRELY SURE HOW TO CARRY OUT ITS DUTIES AS A GOD OF VENGEANCE AND SINCERITY, SO IT WANDERED THE BRITISH ISLES, SLAUGHTERING THOSE IT DEEMED UNWORTHY OF LIFE.

IN TIME IT TRAVELED TO AMERICA, WHICH IT HAUNTS TO THIS DAY. AND EVERY YEAR ON ONE SINGULAR NIGHT, THE GREAT PUMPKIN TRAVELS THE LAND TO PUNISH THE WICKED AND TO REWARD THE SINCERE. SO IF YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE AND NEVER ONCE SEE THE GREAT PUMPKIN, CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY. AND HOPEFULLY, SAFE. FOR YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU MAY FEEL A PRESENCE BEHIND YOU AND YOU TURN TO SEE A LARGE ORANGE OVOID SHAPE STARING DOWN ON YOU WITH GLOWING TRIANGLE EYES AND A MOUTH THAT LOOKS LIKE IT WAS CARVED BY A BLIND FIVE-YEAR-OLD WHO USED THEIR FEET. AND BE WARNED, BECAUSE THAT COULD BE THE LAST THING YOU EVER SEE.

Wow, Steve, that sounds like a bunch of bullshit.

I waited a few minutes, but there was no response, the words on the screen faded and it was blank once again. Eventually, I plugged the computer back in and it turned on no problem. I went to my favorite website, leathersquirreldominatrix.edu, and paid no more attention to that weird experience. But on some Halloweens, I do wonder who Steve was and how true its words were. Sometimes I wonder if my body will be found in an insincere pumpkin patch one cold November morning, my body constricted into an unnatural pose, a rictus of horror etched on my face. Scrawled in blood on the ground next to me is one word.

“Blockhead.”

Mind-Blowing Facts to Leave Friends in Awe!

You know, a lot of people love to strut around, puking out “facts” in people’s ear holes, striking a smug pose of intellectual superiority. It sickens me. I am sickened. Everybody knows that one person who will grind a friendly group discussion to a halt by correcting somebody who possibly said something incorrect.

“Actually Cletus, Rome was built on six hills, not seven. But don’t worry, it’s a common mistake. I wouldn’t expect you to have known.*”

To that end, I’ve decided to compile a list of obscure, but incredibly true, facts for you to dish out at a moment’s notice. You’re welcome in advance my sweet nincompoops.

·        The rain in Spain actually falls mainly in the Canary Islands. They have an annual rainfall of 14 inches.

·        In order to compete with Coca-Cola, the original recipe for Schweppes Ginger Ale included trace amounts of kerosene.  It was believed that in small doses, it would give people a little extra pep.

·        The remote Slestak tribe in the deep recesses of the Amazonian rain forests boil a certain species of slug and them rub them on their genitals as an aphrodisiac.

·        The owner of Chik-Fila used to be gay, until his Mormon parents forcibly took him to a camp that “straightens” people out. To this day he prays seven times a day to keep desires in check.

·        Each dollar bill in circulation has a thin coating of arsenic on it. The arsenic was not placed there by the National Treasury, and no matter how many resources they throw at this problem, the culprit is still unknown and remains at large. 

·        The actual rotation of the earth changes by one eighth of one eighth of a degree every year. Meaning that a seven thousand years ago Antarctica was where Australia is currently.

·        The lyrics to I Am the Walrus, by the Beatles, are Goo Goo Ga Joob. Not Coo Coo Ca Choo.

·        Rocky and Bullwinkle were based off of two fascist German spies in World War I. Johan and Elsa Blout were a married couple who were sent into Russia to infiltrate and flip as many assets as they could. Boris and Natasha represent their Russian counterparts assigned to hunt them down and dispose of them in any manner possible.

·        The first hamburger, or “hamburger sandwich” was created in the NYC Bowery in 1837. Due to a beef shortage at the time, it was made with ground pigeon meat.

·        While they didn’t make mainstream popularity until the early 20^th century, the Greek military had been using proto-televisions since 1895. They consisted of a glass screen, and glass phosphorous tubes holding both positively and negatively charged plutonium ions. They only worked for ten minutes before they melted.

·        Nowhere in the Bible does it say that the forbidden fruit was an apple.

·        Also, nowhere in the poem does it say Humpty Dumpty is an egg.

·        Alister Crowley once wrote an opera. It was performed only once, in Devonshire-Upon-Shiredevon in North Umbria, Britain. Seventeen audience members became violently ill, the Diva broke her leg during her aria (which is where we get the saying “break a leg” for good luck) and many members of the chorus claimed to feel an icy breeze on their necks and the faint sound of laughter coming from beneath them. A week later the stage burned to the ground, taking the groundskeeper with it. The opera manuscript was locked up, never to be performed again. To this day, its location remains a mystery.

·        Alligators have a vertical leap of nine inches which they typically use when hunting marsh birds, such as egrets and ostriches.

·        Buffalo Bill from The Silence of the Lambs was based on two actual psychopaths. The notorious Ed Gein, who lived next to a cemetery and would dig up bodies to make lampshades and rugs out of people’s skin, and porn star John Holmes, who was known to put on lipstick and tuck his genitals between his legs while dancing.

·        Woodrow Wilson was the first American president to come out of the closet. However, since the country was not ready to accept that at the time, he was quietly assassinated, his murder covered up, and all mentions of his sexuality were scrubbed from history books.

·        Johnny Appleseed used to put razor blades in every fifth apple he gave to kids. He loved a good joke.

So there you have it! Next time somebody tries to one-up you on some shit, bust out some of this knowledge and watch them go running, crying, out of the room, knowing that have been bested by you and your big old sexy brain. Good luck!

*And if you don’t know somebody like this, that means you are that somebody. Seek medical help. I recommend Nurse Ratched. She can do wonders. 

Five out of Four Foodologists agree this is the Healthiest Lunch you Can Have!

In this day and age, everybody and their diseased grandmother* has a damn podcast. You can barely take five steps without tripping over a couple of neckbeards with a podcast where they break down Tattooed Teenage Alien Fighters from Beverly Hills, one episode at a time. And yes, that’s a real show. Or maybe it’s a cooking podcast with dishes using only locally sourced ingredients from restaurant dumpsters, because that’s what’s best for the environment and your bowels!

Unfortunately, it is my ironic duty to say that I have also jumped into the fray, bringing my own brand of stupidness to this bloated miasma of voices screaming into the void, begging to be heard.

Except my shit is funny.

Allow me to introduce you to your new favorite pastime, which is basically just listening to the magnificent timbre of my melodious voice. For people who don’t know me in real life, (or IRL as we cool kids say), then now’s your chance to add a voice to the well-crafted wordplay you’ve come to expect when reading my words.

Do you like movies? Sure, we all do, (except for Leopold, but who cares about that guy?!) Especially movies with characters, dialogue and maybe, if you’re lucky, a location or two. Who could ask for anything more?

Me. I could ask for more.

Sometimes just watching a movie isn’t enough. Sometimes the movie is so good or technically astounding that you want a peek behind the curtains. Sometimes a movie is so baffling and brain-meltingly defective, that you need to know how the hell it was made, or you’ll never get a second of sleep again and you’ll end up in a padded room facing a corner and rocking back and forth while singing “This is the song that never ends.”

When things like this happen, when your curiosity about the behind-the-scenes work, the natural thing to do is to listen to the movie commentary. Usually that’s the director, the producer, maybe the script-writer and an actor or two, sitting in a cigarette smoke-filled room, reminiscing about making the movie as they watch it. You get some good insight, some funny stories and a lot of jibber jabber.

I’m here to offer you an alternative to such meritocracy. The Lunchbox Podcast. With the Lunchbox Podcast, you get to learn about your favorite movies while enjoying a hearty guffaw at the same time.  Here’s the premise: you download an episode of Lunchbox. Each episode is a different movie. We cover all types: 80s, late 80s, early 80s, and probably other non-80s related flicks, there’s no way to be certain. Once you’ve downloaded an episode, you acquire the movie that will be commented upon. Then you play the movie while simultaneously listening to our podcast. Don’t worry, we make syncing up both things very easy. And voila! You get to watch a movie with some hilarious, disembodied voices commenting on the action!

John “Tidily-winks” Kinhart and I started Lunchbox Podcast about a year ago as a way to learn more about the movies we enjoy and make fun of them at the same time. Very much in the vein of one of our favorite shows Mystery Science Theater 3000, and if you don’t know that the hell that show is, don’t fret, that means you actually have a life.

Of course, I’m kidding about all episodes being 80s movies. A lot of them are, because that’s just our wheelhouse. But our real mission is to mostly pick movies that are easily accessible and haven’t been done to death by other podcasts and tv shows. Meaning such fare as The Room and Human Centipede were right out. They’re low hanging fruit.  We try to be all encompassing. Comedy, romance (gag!) horror, science fiction, and more. We’ve commented on such movies as Die Hard, When Harry Met Sally, Airborne, Return to Oz, Friday, Princess Bride and the Zapruder film.**

So, if you’re stuck in traffic, or an elevator, or a boring college lecture or even in another annoying and pointless argument with your significant other or overbearing mother, turn on a tv (or activate your optic holographic simulators, depending on what year you’re reading this), toss on your headphones, pop a Fizzleschmitz And enjoy a laugh or two on us, your friendly neighborhood Lunchbox Podcast.

*How does one even contract the Bubonic Plague in Iowa?

** One of these may be a lie.

Deliciosity

Howdy, my name is Chester, of Chester’s Sloppy Seconds, and I’m proud to announce that our restaurant has just received its first Michelin Star from the Michelin Guide to Toad Scrotum, Montana. What is a Michelin Star, you may be wonderin? Good question! I plum didn’t know myself until I went down to the ”library” (not quite sure what that is either, to be honest) and used one of them com-pu-tors to look it up.

It turns out that the Michelin Guide is some world-renowned French thingy where they offer maps and locations of gas stations and boulangeries and they rate area hotels and restaurants. Looks like we made the big time!

Our current rating of one star means “A very good restaurant in its category.” I’m not entirely sure what that means, but if our category is “freshest meat from the side of the road to your plate” you’re damn straight we’re the best!

So, in honor of our new award, we here at Chester’s Sloppy Seconds, are having a celebration and passing the flavorosity on to you, the patrons!

Yummy!

Come on in to the restaurant. Don’t be shy now, I know Bubba looks like he’ll bite your leg off, but he’s just a big old puppy dog. We only keep him tied out front so that he won’t get at the yard birds in the back. Hell, one week, Bubba got into them chickens and we had to serve frog legs as chicken wings, and nobody was the wiser. Come to think of it, maybe that’s the week that Michelin “inspector” moseyed on through and eatin them frog legs reminded him of back home in Frenchy-Land. Wouldn’t that beat all!

Anyway, as I was sayin, come on through, avoid Bubba and those rusted out cars and refrigerators on the lawn, those rusty edges won’t do you no good. And get yourself set so’s you can enjoy any one of our appetizers, half off! (for a limited time) We have:

Deep Fried Rocky Mountain Oysters (on the half-shell)
Sautéed “Queue de Souris” on a bed of baby rice
Chicken Wings *wink* with celery and pencil shavings
Hamburger Sliders, now with beef

Or you can have our “Soup Du Jour,” or a salad. We like to keep our salads as fresh as possible, so depending on the season and the last time Cletus mowed the lawn, you can enjoy some delicious greens.

Besides our half off apps, we are also offering, for a short time, a special deal. You bring in your own road kill and we’ll cook it up for you on the cheap! There’s no better deal than that! Oh wait, there is! Bring in any game you bag that day and we will prepare it to your liking. Please remember to remove all buckshot first, it makes chewing easier.

What about dessert? I’ll tell you what about desert! Homemade ice cream using the rock salt that is used to salt the roads in the winter, so you know its quality cream! Flavors include, but are not limited to: Vanilla, Chocolate, Possum, Orangina, Toes, Bud Light, Real Chocolate, Rubber, Appleberrry, Long johns, Lettuce and Chode, (my favorite!).

Well, that’s all the time I gots in this here commercial, but be sure to stop on by Chester’s Sloppy Seconds for a full look at our menu. We gots all types of seafood, or at least water-based animals, and our entrees can’t be beat. Why, lets just ask this fellow over here!

“Say stranger, how’re them eats treatin you today?”
“Well Chester…”
“You don’t know me, remember? Follow the script.”
“But the restaurant is named after you, plus we go fishing every Sund…”

Yep that’s right folks, the food is so good, it done made this fella delusional. And who doesn’t want that in a good meal?!

So hitch a ride, drive a tractor or ride moose, bring the wife and kids. Hell, bring the sister/wife, we don’t judge down here. My sister is also my mom, so you’re in good company. Come and enjoy the full dining experience of haute cuisine at Chester’s Sloppy Seconds today!

*Take I-666 for seven miles past Old Doc Brooks’ feed bag, until you see a dirt road exit on your right. Be sure to be driving some sort of four-wheeler, those puddles on the track can get up to three feet deep in the summer. And don’t even get me started on the mud. Anyway, stay on that for a couple of miles, try to avoid the indigenous, radioactive, cannibal rednecks and you’ll be at the restaurant in no time!*