We all remember growing up right? If not, you might have Memento
disease and you should seek medical attention. There were a lot of shared
experiences we all had growing up: school, homework, wearing high heels and
lipstick in the privacy of our own rooms, daily beatings with extension cords.
You know, regular stuff.
And one of the most annoying things about childhood was
school and the homework. Especially when we were assigned to read the stodgiest
books the school board could afford to purchase in bulk*. That’s why we had
such gems as One Flew Under the Cuckoo’s Nest, A Farewell to Legs and Hamlet
2: Ophelia’s Revenge.
But today I’m going to talk about that Revolutionary War
classic (so called because the damn thing feels like it was actually written
300 years ago) Johnny Tremain. Written in 1943 by Esther “No Relation”
Forbes. Johnny Tremain tells the pointless story of some kid with a
really shitty life that just so happens to take place during milestone events
in American history. It’s basically the literary equivalent of Life of Brian,
by Monty Python’s Flying Circus. The story of some chump in the wrong place at
the right time.
Johnny Tremain, the original JT, was a 14-year-old silversmith’s
apprentice in Boston. He made sure that there were always plenty of silver
bullets available for the usual werewolf attacks. You see, not much is
mentioned these days, but early settlers and Americans were constantly hassled
by lycanthropes. It was really annoying. Babies snatched up left and right. Big
old piles of werewolf scat all in the streets and on people’s porches. Those
guys were jerks. But I digress.
One day, an older apprentice named Dove (make of that name what
you will) was jealous of Johnny. Probably because of his elegant, patriotic
pony tail. So he sabotaged a thing Johnny was working on, I think he was
patching up a crack in the Holy Grail or something, and Johnny ended up burning
the shit out of his hand. Remember that scene in The Fly, where
Brundlefly uses his acid puke to melt that dude’s hand into a gross, mushy
stump? That’s basically what happened to Johnny. Unsavory.
Now, horribly crippled, unable to marry his boss’s daughter
and a complete load on society, Johnny takes up doing opium and laudanum and is
found two weeks later, his body rotting in an alley. Forgotten by all.
JK! That would have been a more realistic outcome, but this
is fiction damn it! And he’s the protagonist, for some reason, so we gotta keep
this story moving!
Since this is America, what
really happens is that Johnny decides to call upon the aide of the 1%. Sigh,
when will the rabble, the Great Unwashed, learn to be self-reliant? Lift
themselves up by their own boot straps and make something of themselves? The goddam
American Dream! If I had my druthers, all poor and ugly people would be locked
up behind high walls, so I wouldn’t have to see them during my daily
constitutional to the Gentlemen’s Club for brandy and a game of Operation. **
Johnny convinces this rich cat that they’re related, which
helps him get a job delivering the Boston Observer, a pro-Whig
newspaper. Warning: this is where the book gets crazy political and historical and
it talks about the growing tensions between Whigs and Tories and everybody who
attempts to read the book is suddenly struck with super-glazed eyes, a slack
jaw with rivulets of drool falling into their lap and a brain that escaped
through the ears and is currently withering to death on the floor. But not
today loyal readers! That’s why you’ve got Josh’s Notes!
Johnny and his boy Rab engage in various historical events
that lead up to the Revolutionary War. They partake in the Boston Tea Party, the
Massachusetts Ice Cream Party and the Philly Beer Party, (most people’s
memories were a bit hazy the next morning about exactly what happened the previous
night and why they were waking up on top of the Liberty Bell and why there was
now a crack in it.)
Johnny ends up being a spy for the Sons of Liberty,
the secret Impossible Mission Force arm of the Boston Whigs. And he gets to
work with such famous patriots as Samuel “God I need a Drink” Adams, John “Stop
Making Fun of Me” Hancock and Paul “Sybil Ludington Actually Rode Further Than
I Did” Revere.
Eventually, during the early parts of the war Rab (short for
“Rabtastic maybe?) gets a lead ball to the dome and dies. Due to Johnny’s Play-Doh
hand, he can’t pick up a gun and avenge his comrade’s death. But that won’t
stop Johnny. He has the true grit of a die-hard American patriot! He bleeds
red, white and blue! With the help of Dr. Joseph Warren, Johnny is given a
robotic Vibranium hand that can crush a man’s skull as easily as a toothpick.
And a musket that shoots precision laser blasts like the Predator.
Johnny then enlists in the Army and decides to LIVE FREE
OR DIE! YO JOE! The end.
Maybe I made up that part about the cybernetic hand. Maybe I
didn’t. You’ll never know because nobody has ever made it to the end of the
book. I believe it holds the Guinness World Record for “Most Unfinished Book”.
Coming up a distant second is Human Centipede: The Novelization For Kids! Join me next time, when I give notes on To
Kill a Mockingbird. Or maybe Everybody Poops. Who knows?
*Typically, because they wasted the annual school budget
on houses, hookers and hotels. The Triple-Hs as we called them.
**The goofy game for dopey docs.
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