How to Nail Every Job Interview

Dr. Brooks: Hello Mr. McFlaudius. I hope the day finds you well?

Claudius: Yes sir. I just want to thank you for this opportunity to hopefully work for Raimi Co. I’ve always been a big fan of the products made by this company, from the submarine screen doors to the remote-controlled ice cream ovens.

Dr. Brooks: Ha ha ha! No need to thank us Mr. McFlaudius, we feel that you’d make a great fit to our company. You did very well in the initial interview, the obstacle course and the lightning speed dating round. All that’s left now is this final assessment of your mental acumen. This is a chance for us to explore your creativity, imagination, mental reflexes and dexterity. All responses will be compiled and reviewed by our expert Prof. Fluffy. So don’t worry, your answers will be kept classified and in the best hands. Prof. Fluffy is a good boy!

Claudius: …Okay? You can call me Claudius if you want, by the way. Mr. McFlaudius seems a bit formal.

Dr. Brooks: No.
Alright, let’s begin. Question 1: You are a chimney sweep in the Queen’s Chapel area of London in Victorian times. One night, as you’re taking your usual lunch break with one of Mrs. Lovett’s delicious meat pies, you hear a scream coming from a nearby alley. Jumping to your feet you run across rooftops until you wind up just above where you heard the screams. Getting down on your belly, you creep to the edge, until your eyes can just make out movement in the alley below. Squinting and trying to make the best of the available light, you discover a ghastly scene. It seems that you have caught Jack the Ripper in the middle of one of his horrendous murders. This is your chance to put an end to the mystery and stop the palpable fear rolling over the streets of London like a wave of blood. Now is the time to act. It is now or never. Only one question remains: what color are your socks?

Claudius: …

Dr. Brooks: I’m waiting Mr. McFlaudius.

Claudius: What color are my socks? Ummm, black, from all the soot?

Dr. Brooks: Incorrect. They were red because you were in a jovial mood when you woke up that morning because you had played a few excellent hands of Chemin de Fer the previous night and could finally afford a bottle of the good stuff and not the swill you usually buy.

Question 2: You wake up on a typical Wednesday morning and get ready to go to your job as a living crash test dummy for Raimi Co. As you look in the mirror, you discover that your hair has turned into a polka-dotted mix of orange with blue spots. Instead of being horrified, you decide to embrace the look. You lean into it and strut into your workplace. The reaction is immediate. All the women want you and all the men want to be you. Your boss calls you into his office and gives you a promotion and raise on the spot. You are now Vice-President in Charge of Nipple Clamps. You’re getting a company car, a new company penthouse and your own A-10 Warthog, for no good goddamn reason. It seems that with your new hair style everything is going your way in life. What is the atomic number of Unobtanium?

Claudius: I really don’t…

Dr. Brooks: Clock’s ticking Mr. McFlaudius.

Claudius: What is 42?

Dr. Brooks: This is not Jeopardy, Mr. McFlaudius. No need to answer in the form of a question. And also, incorrect. The correct answer is that the atomic number of Unobtanium is 187, as any elementary school student from Compton could tell you.

Claudius: Drat. I should have known that one.

Dr. Brooks: Indeed. Here’s your last question, let’s see how you do here.

Question 3: It’s Friturday, Octobuary the eleventeenth. You’ve just put your Snogglewomper to bed for the night after the usual ritual to Ba’al and the sacrifice of the virginal toilet plunger. You tuck your womper into the trash compactor, where it bundles itself into a chrysalis to digest and absorb the nutrients of its dinner of toenail clippings. As you float toward the ceiling and to your ebony cocoon hibernation chamber for the evening, you notice that the Gravshling has gotten loose from its bonds. With a head shake of frustration, you begin swimming through the fetid air to find the Gravshling and return it to its habitat before too many neighborhood T.hropsteins go missing. Who are you?

Claudius: I’m Batman.

Dr. Brooks: You’re hired!