The Top Ten Worst Jobs Ever

I hate having to work. I’m not one of those people who feel satisfaction from a long day of hard work. I’m one of those people who want to retire as soon as possible. It’s the American Dream to get a bunch of money and live comfortably while doing as little as possible. That’s why this country has so many nebulous-sounding jobs like consultant and advisor.

If I have to work, (which I do, until I marry a rich, sassy old broad) then I’d like to do a job that I enjoy. Such as ninja, supervillain, or king. But there are so many jobs all over the world that seem so shitty that I wonder how they hell they find people to do this stuff. I have picked these as the ten worst jobs in the world, (in no particular order.)

10. Third World Podiatrist: If there’s something third world countries are not known for, it’s proper footwear. Any pictures you see of backwards, indigenous people, they’re always shuffling along rock-strewn dirt ruts, stepping in yak shit or whatever, with nary a thought to where they place their foot. Imagine having to check out those feet! Bunions, pustules and three-inch-long toenails everywhere! Now imagine licking them! Gross. A close follow up to third world podiatrist is third world pedicurist.

9. Dentist: Being a dentist doesn’t seem so bad, but think about it. How many people do you know with stank-ass breath and crooked teeth? And those are people you can smell from a couple of feet away. Now picture your face a quarter inch away from the wide open mouth of somebody with death breath. And you’ve got to stay there for long periods of time, digging and poking around inside that fetid mouth. Then, by accident, you poke some blackened, dead tooth and it falls out, releasing a disgusting odor that reminds you of a decomposing body and will haunt you for the rest of your days.

8. Calcutta sewer worker: When I think of India, I think of the Ganges River, where people go to bathe and drink next to the corpses of their rotting loved ones. I also think of the Plague. Combine the best part of both those things and you’ve got yourself the Calcutta sewer system, (no I’ve never been to India, but Carmen Sandiego has and she got dysentery, tuberculosis and pregnant from wandering around the sewers.) Cleaning up all the shit in there is a death sentence.

7. Septic tank cleaner: Sometimes the shit hits the fan. And sometimes the shit just gets stuck in your septic tanks and creates a back up in your pipes that causes your whole house to reek. That’s when you call the guy to come to your house and dive into your septic tank and swim around to unclog it. He totally deserves to be paid a trillion times more than whatever he’s paid now. In fact, in each job he does, he should be paid with a princess’s hand in marriage and half a kingdom.

6. Porno theater cleaner: I think this one speaks for itself. Having to clean up some random hobo’s baby batter is never a pleasant experience. Scraping dried substances off of the back of theater seats sucks. Especially if the only tool you’ve got to use is your fingernails.

5. Proctologist: I don’t care how much of an ass fetish you’ve got. Having to get out of bed every morning, knowing that your whole day is going to be filled with nothing but smelly butt cheeks and a waste basket filled with used latex gloves, is just not cool. Not to mention all those people who “accidentally” impale themselves on the weirdest household objects. “Honest doc, I have no idea how that lamp got stuck in there!”

4. A maid at an American college: I’ve been to college. Perhaps you’ve been to college. If there’s one thing I know about colleges, it’s that college kids don’t care how badly they treat the bathrooms, because the maid crews come through on Monday morning to clean up behind them. Explosive diarrhea painted all over the toilet, projectile vomit splattered on the walls and ceiling, period juice trails along the floor; they’ve seen it all and come back the next day for more. That’s why I always shared a couple of bong hits with the maids at my university.

3. Animal stall mucker: Animals stink and they don’t clean up after themselves. They remind me of some roommates I’ve had. To be honest, I’m a little jealous. I’d love to be fed at regular intervals, petted by hot chicks and be able to take a dump where I stand and have people think it’s cute. What I’m not jealous of is the guy who has to go in the living areas with a shovel and muck out all of the yummy, yummy feces. It’s back-breaking work for clients who couldn’t care less if you do it or not.

2. Crime scene photographer: In movies you always see rookie cops puking when they see their first dead body. But what you rarely see how the crime scene photographer reacts. People are gross and imaginative and have proven both in the very inventive ways that they kill each other and themselves. The photographers (and crime scene cleaners and the chalk outline drawing guy) have it the worst because they have to get really close to the wet, splattered messes we make out of other people’s corpses. If you can imagine it, the photographers have seen it. And if you can’t imagine it, they’ve seen it too.

1. Slaughterhouse worker: You’ve got to have an iron stomach to go into work everyday and be a part of the slaughter, in bulk, of a bunch of stupid, four-legged grass eaters. There’s blood, intestines, hooves, ruptured eye balls, tongues and the bleats of terror-stricken animals who can smell their own death, everywhere. It might get to you after awhile. Don’t get me wrong, I love a fat, juicy steak as much as the next man, I just don’t want to be there when its life is brutally ended.