Monday, August 11, 2008

Hot sheets: Bet she’ll have an IQ of 88 as well and how NOT to rob Blockbuster

It never fails. Each day weird things happen that cause the mind to boggle. I present to you two such stories that occurred this past week. You may have heard of them, you may not, but they’re both way more important than anything else going on in the world right now. I mean, it’s not like any countries are being invaded or anything! Olympics? What are those?

Here’s a cutesy little story for you. It’s all about a baby and the miracle of child birth and crap like that. Gag.

According to the Associated Press, in Fergus Falls, Minn., Hailey Jo Hauer, was born to Lindsey Hauer in the Lake Regional Hospital, at…sigh, 8:08 am on August 8, 2008 and weighs 8 pounds and 8 ounces.

Hailey Jo has 8 letters!

If her full name was converted to numbers, it’d equal 138, (which has an 8 in it!)

Then, if you divided 138 by 3 (the number of names she has) you get 46, which we all know are the two consecutive even integers before 8!

Doesn’t that just blow your mind?

The nurse actually said that she tried to shrink the baby from 19.5 inches to 18 inches. It was supposed to be a joke, but totally doesn’t work on any level. She should focus on shaving crotches and leave the humor to professionals (like me!)
And if that weren’t enough, according to the story: “Several hospital staff members pledged to buy lottery tickets.” I always knew medical professionals to be such a superstitious lot. That’s why I stick to witch doctors and shamans; they never see signs and portents in everyday occurrences.

I guess this counts as Hailey’s 8 minutes of fame.
Next up, another AP story; this one about a wannabe thief who tried to rob the wrong kind of store with the wrong kind of weapon. I’ve read this story 8 times (eight!) and I still have no idea what this guy was thinking.

Paul Parish II (not junior, it seems), of Charleston, West Virginia, (and his home state may be the reason behind why he tried this little experiment in FAIL) walked into a movie rental store, early last week, to rob it. His weapon: an empty cheesecake box.

Let’s break this down. First of all, this fool decided to rob a Blockbuster, or Hollywood Video. What, was the blood bank closed? The Starbucks too crowded? Is it even possible to pick a more random type of store to rob?

Secondly, I am struck mute by why Parish II: Electric Boogaloo, thought he could get away with using an empty box to rob a store. It sounds as though he doesn’t understand the concept of weapons.

Friend: So, Paul, what’re yew gettin into tonight?

Parish: Well Billy Jimmy Cletus Jo Goober, I gots me a plan to rob the Movie Gallery!

Friend: Sheeeee-it Paul! You got a gun?

Parish: Nope. Even better. I’m gonna use an empty cardboard box to get ‘er dun!!

Friend: I see. Good luck with that, my dear fellow. Be sure to ring me up from the penitentiary after your inevitable capture and subsequent incarceration.

Parrish walked into the place; put the box on the counter with a note saying there was a bomb inside, (which means he had to mime walking into the store with a heavy box, I would imagine) that would be remotely detonated if he didn’t get money.
The clerk, not being as inbred as the would-be robber, refused (and probably pissed his pants with laughter) and Parrish fled, most likely in a pickup truck blasting some Toby Keith song about how stupidly violent and intolerant of other cultures we Americans are. But that’s speculation; the article doesn’t make the details of his getaway clear.

With the help of the store video, the cops were able to pick up Parrish last Wednesday. I guess he blew his robbery budget on buying the box and couldn’t afford to purchase a mask or disguise. He claimed that his motivation for the robbery was that he needed money for cigarettes and gas, (I can actually understand the part about the gas, but why not just fill up his tank at a gas station and drive away without paying?)

The dumbass is charged with first-degree robbery (which seems kind of unfair, considering that he was a complete and total failure) and is locked up.

There are your Hot Sheets for this week. Enjoy a hearty laugh in between the moments of black entertainers dying over the last few days. How weird is that anyway? Anybody want to start a death pool? I’m betting on Garrett Morris. Is he still around?

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