Hot sheets: Always have a DD and be sure to gag your lover during sex

News you can use! That’s what I’m all about. I scour the internet to find the news stories that fall through the butt cracks of mainstream media. Let’s do it!

Down in Longview, Texas on Wednesday of this week, it seems that Jennifer Lynn Rosenberg had a little trouble understanding the concept of a designated driver. Inexplicably, she had her 12-year-old daughter driver her, in a minibar, to a bar.

Now, having my preteen daughter pick me up from the bar makes sense. I mean, I’ll probably be three sheets to the wind and too lazy to walk myself back to my doublewide, (which is what I assume the Rosenbergs live in). But getting driven to the bar? I don’t get it. And the article doesn’t mention anything about Jennifer Lynn being a paraplegic, which is the only decent excuse I could think of for having somebody else drive her.

The cops in town could tell something was a bit hinky when they noticed a van turning into a driveway without signaling (which in itself isn’t that suspicious, since most drivers in D.C. are the same way) and bump into a home at a low speed, whatever that means.

The daughter admitted to dropping her mother off at the bar (which, were I to hazard a guess, is probably called Big Chuck’s Booze ‘n Meat Saloon, or something similar) and the cops, led by Walker, Texas Ranger, moseyed on over to the saloon and arrested Jennifer, who is currently held on a $2,500 bond.

Child Protective Services is investigating, but I don’t think it’s warranted. After all, Jennifer taught her daughter two valuable lessons: 1. Always make sure you have responsible transportation when you’re going to get liquored up. 2. When you’re committed to a goal, don’t let any obstacles stand in your way.

She’s mother of the year material to me.

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The second story comes to us from across the big pond. That’s right, merry old England has its share of crazy people as well.

In what was an egregious misuse of power, the Brighton and Hove City Council, on Thursday, banned Adam Hinton from coming within 100 meters of the apartment of his girlfriend Kerry Norris, (the daughter of John Kerry and Chuck Norris perhaps?) The reason? Because when he sexed her up, it was too loud.

According to city council spokesman Mike “Superprude” Taggart: residents of Norris's publicly-owned home had been complaining since 2006 about thumping music, banging headboards, and screamed obscenities, Taggart said. He added that a young child had been traumatized.

That’s right; a kid was supposedly traumatized.

"There was a 6-year-old child who was subjected to the sort of obscenities you wouldn't want a 6-year-old to hear," Taggart said, adding that Norris also sunbathed naked in her yard in full view of passers-by.

For the life of me, I can’t see the downside to being a six-year-old listening to people engaging in some serious shagging in the flat on the other side of the wall. It’s certainly less annoying than lorries passing by your window at night, (see how I Britished that up?)

I bet that kid went to school every morning with bags under his eyes and a great story to tell. We should be jealous of him, not pity him. If anything, he’s learning, by proxy, valuable skills that will help him greatly later in life.

And what’s wrong with sunbathing naked? I thought all the puritans left England back in the 1600s on the Mayflower!

Stories like this frustrate and scare me. As a very prolific and vigorous lover myself, I’m worried that one day the cops are gonna come knocking on my door and fine me just for being a premium, grade A stud. In the words of the Ladies’ Man, it’s not my fault, “it’s the fault of the wang.”

Taggart continues: "She is a classic nightmare neighbor," he said. "There's a salacious, smutty side to this case. But it's not about sex, it's about allowing your neighbors to have a normal decent life without being disturbed."

I guess she lives in a nunnery or something. Speaking of which, instead of banning one dude from going over to her apartment, shouldn’t they ban all guys from her apartment? It sounds like the foundation of the problem may be her. And what are they going to do on those nights when she’s screaming loudly, but the only other sound coming from her apartment is the low, steady hum of a personal device? Are they going to ban vibrators from coming within 100 meters of her place too? Ridiculous!

I know who I’m visiting on my next vacation and I’m bringing a ball gag.

That’s all for this week. I’ve got more stories to find. The media never sleeps!