Seeing how I’m out here in the honest-to-goodness cradle of civilization, (the delta area encompassing the Tiger and Euphrates Rivers,) and having so much free time on my hands, (what with last year’s surge having worked so well and democracy coming any day now) I decided to do some research into the history of mankind.
Being a born and bred American man, I decided to look into the early civilizations of my native country, and boy did I find some interesting things (thank goodness for Wikipedia, I say.) Hidden deep within the middle of an ancient book, (by Dr. Gooch of all people! That man is more prolific than DaVinci) on prehistoric man, I found something that will shock people more than the latest insanity to come out of David Lynch’s head. A conversation between two Neanderthals:
Hank: Yo, Grock, what day is this?
Hank: Really? Already? Damn, seems like just yesterday we went on that woolly mammoth hunt.
Hank: Yeah, you’re right. Time flies when you’ve been running for your life from a swarm of freakishly huge mosquitoes with razor-sharp noses big enough to pierce our broad, hairy cavemen chests.
Hank: I dunno, what do you want to do today?
Hank: But Grock, we already discovered fire last week when the sky gods sent water from the big empty place above our heads and there were loud sounds and light from the heavens hit that tree on the hill and brought forth hot stuff that we used to cook our various roots and tubers. Remember? You got wasted on fermented bee excrement.
Grock: Ouk. Bkrgu?
Hank: Naw man, we invented killing things with pointy sticks last month. And the month before that we tied rocks to sticks to hit things. You’ve got a terrible memory.
Hank: That thing in the corner of the cave? Oh, that’s just a round rock I carved. I call it “the wheel.”
Hank: I’ll tell you what it’s for. Say you have guests over and you’re all enjoying a hunk of saber-toothed tiger and you want to sprinkle some salt on your food, but it’s just out of reach. What do you do? Well, “the wheel” sits in the middle of the table and you just spin it until you can reach the salt.
Hank: Yeah. It is pretty boss. Check this, an idea has managed to escape from my thick, over-sized, Neanderthal cranial area! Look, the big orange ball is highest in the sky right now and it’s kinda hot. Why don’t we go find a couple of bitches to hit over the heads with our clubs and drag back here to the cave? Then we can make some of that fire stuff and put some left over rat meat on sticks and put them over the fire until they’re cooked. Add a little fermented guano to that equation and I think we’ve got ourselves a pretty decent little get together. What do you think?
Hank: Dude, you talk too much.
According to the book, this exchange took place two weeks after the summer solstice in the year 43,000 B.C. Meaning that those cavemen were most likely getting down with a party on the 4th of July.
History comes alive!