Sunday, June 01, 2008

American History 101: Mr. 4th of July Contest Entry

How do everybody? I have been nominated in a blog writing contest run by Just Jaynie, a Myspace personality. I am in competition to be Mr. 4th of July! I don’t really know what that means, but as long as it involves the word “mister” in the title, I’m in!

For the first round of the competition, I have to write why I think I should be crowned Mr. 4th of July. That’s an easy one. When I think 4th of July, I think American history, something I happen to be very keen on. So, I felt that to show my all-consuming desire to be Mr. 4th of July, it would be best appreciated with a history lesson on that very special day in our great nation’s past.

After a little research in Dr. Gooch’s Guide to American Pastification, (a well respected tome on United States history) I now present you, (the reader) with the history of the Fourth of July:

The Fourth of July, 1776
The Fourth of July will forever be known in American history as the day that the Continental Congress got together to have a have a light, but filling breakfast, between 6 and 9 am, of various fruits, muffins, bagels, assorted cereals, perhaps some bacon or sausage and their choice of orange juice, apple juice, milk or coffee. This breakfast became so popular that it was later named after them.

Following breakfast, the congress all got together in the VIP room in the back of Ben Franklin’s pub ( motto: Come for the 4 pm “Early to Bed” Happy Hour!) to sign the Declaration of Something or Other. One of the most important documents in American history, (right behind The Devil Wears Prada.)

But what many people don’t realize is that congress didn’t sign anything on that specific date. In fact, they had signed the declaration back in early May, but decided to hold off on announcing the event until the middle of summer when they could take a day off to have a nice BBQ and maybe play a little flag football.

The Declaration of Whozits was important because it was a statement by the fledgling American government to the British Monarchy that Americans would refuse to ever have some messed up looking teeth like the Brits. Here’s a quick rundown of other declarations made in the document. We the American people:

• Promise to never boil meats or give our food confusing and inappropriate names like “spotted dick,” “bubble and squeak,” “fitless cock,” “flummery,” “priddy oggies” and “toad-in-the-hole.”

• Think that driving on the left side of the street is really dumb, so we’re not gonna do it.

• Refuse to pay taxes to England anymore on lottery tickets or lap dances.
• Don’t want our lawyers to have to wear those ugly wigs while they’re in court, they look really itchy and uncomfortable.

• Reserve the right to call flats apartments, lorries trucks, loos bathrooms and not pronounce the h in herbs.

• Think British accents can be sexy.

• If we get around to it, want to have a president and a system of checks and balances, instead of a monarchy, or whatever. But, you know, it’s not that big of a deal.

England wasn’t too happy with this declaration, so they decided to go to war with America. A bunch of soldiers, (like a hundred or something) wearing the famous periwinkle-colored coats that marked them as professionals on the battlefield, hopped onto three ships, the Nina, Pinta and Apollo 13, and sailed their way to America, in the mistaken hope that they’d whoop some ass.

Unfortunately for them, they arrived on July 4th, 1778 and found all the military bases closed for the national holiday. Dejected, the soldiers went back home to their bland food and lousy weather, where they all got syphilis from Whitechapel hookers and died. Setting America free to invent three-storey buildings and do experiments with electricity and cable television.

So next time it’s the Fourth of July and you’re enjoying a hot dog made of leftover scraps from slaughterhouses while watching a drunk guy get his hand blown off from fireworks; take a moment to reflect on what those old, dead, white Americans had to endure to be able to provide a free country for you to grow, get plastic surgery before you hit your teens, be diagnosed with ADHD and medicated at the age of two, pay $8 for a gallon of gasoline, have IQ-destroying reality TV and write goofy and factually inaccurate blogs.

God Bless America!

No comments: