Sunday, June 22, 2008

Hot sheets: Watch where you sit and never send back food

Always striving to bring you the important news you need to know, Eighty-Four Glyde brings you this week’s hot sheets.

Today’s first story is an AP article from June 20. Involving an enterprising young stalker out of Newburgh, New York, with aspirations of being a piece of furniture or something.
David Joe Limones cut a hole in a woman’s couch (her name was withheld for no reason other than to spare her embarrassment, I guess) then hid in the cavity until she came home and sat on him. She must have been born with no nerve endings in her ass.
So she came home and sat on the couch (the article doesn’t say how long she was sitting there, though if she enjoys a good couch-sitting as much as I do, she could have been there for hours) until she felt a bump in the cushions move. Then she jumped up, (if my couch started moving, I’d jump the hell up too*.) and he popped out, like some kind of deranged birthday surprise and knocked the cell phone out of her hand.
She called the cops on him and he was charged with burglary and probably with being a twisted ass freak. Though, like me, they were probably just jealous that they didn’t think of it first.
Talk about a love seat!
Out of West Bend, Wisconsin, also on June 20th, comes a story that warns of the dangers of eating at the Texas Roadhouse restaurant. Especially if you think your steak is a little overdone.
Ryan Kropp, a line cook at that steakhouse decided to take matters into his own hands the other night. When he was asked by his boss to cook another steak, medium rare, for a patron to take home, Ryan decided to add his own special seasonings.
Cutting a slit into the steak, Ryan inserted something into the meat.
“These are my pubes,” he said to a coworker.
The customer noticed the short, curly treats the next day while eating the steak. He then called the manager and the police (!) to complain.
Listen, I’ve had bad food before, but I’ve never felt the desire to involve law enforcement just ‘cause I got pepperoni on my pizza when I asked for sausage. What kind of total gump does that?! I don’t know, because the customer is never identified in the story.
So anyway, Kropp was fired and charged with “placing foreign objects in edibles,” every parent’s worst Halloween nightmare, but a crime that couldn’t be so common as to deserve its own charge or sentence of up to 3 and a half years in prison. That’s nuts! Who hasn’t gone down on a partner and come back up with some pubes stuck in their teeth like some kind of nasty dental floss? (No? Just me?)
This guy shouldn’t get 3 and a half years for doing something that everybody who has ever worked in a kitchen has done! Well, not always involving pubes, but some pretty nasty shit. I worked in a steakhouse for a year and I’ve lost count of the amount of food I’ve messed with. That’s an Eighty-Four Glyde entry in itself. And I bet the comments left by other cooks would be just as gross as the blog.
I’m going to start a “Free Ryan Kropp” campaign!

* In fact, I did once. During a college acid trip, the couch I was sitting on tried to eat me. So I jumped up and ran down the hallway, only to discover that the walls were breathing in and out like lungs. Very disconcerting.

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