Sunday, August 03, 2008

Hot Sheets: How does he smell? and better late than never

And now for your weekly Hot Sheet. Remember people, I’m here to educate and inform you, (the loyal reader and the unloyal reader alike) as to the real news that you should know and that the mainstream media is keeping from you. Got a couple of good stories here for you today. So let’s just dive right in, shall we?

Our first story comes from the July 30th issue of the Cedar Rapids Gazette. It’s a very vague story that gives more questions than answers.

Two guys in Iowa City (And really, how much of a city can it be if it’s in Iowa? Gotta be a population of, what, a couple thousand?) got into a fight about something (probably over which is the dumber state attraction: The Effigy Mounds National Monument or the Amana Colonies) and one of them ended up in jail.

It started off as a typical fight, one guy decided to open with the Norman Bates shovel slam to the back of the other guy’s head. In response, the second guy countered with the Mike Tyson face bite. That’s right, Iowan Donroy Merrival bit off the guy’s nose and part of his lip. The nose wasn’t recovered and the cops say the guy will be disfigured for life, (gee, ya think?)

Let’s consider how this fight went down, because I’m a little confused as to how it worked. One guy hits the other with a shovel in the head. Now, you’ve got to be a couple of feet away to be able to accomplish this maneuver. So next, how did Donroy get close enough to bite off dude’s nose?! Were they fighting…or making love? I’ve been in a few fights myself (fights, beatings, whatever) and I’ve never had my face all up in my opponent’s grill. I’m thinking Donroy tricked the guy and called a time out so he could wipe something off dude’s face. Then, when the guy had his eyes closed, Donroy leaned in and took a big bite of the guy’s Cyrano de Bergerac-like nose.

It scares me that the nose wasn’t recovered. Where’d it go? Is Donroy a cannibal or a zombie? I can understand biting off something, but then you spit it out, you don’t chew it up and swallow it. What about the boogers?! And wouldn’t the nose hairs tickle your throat?!

The weirdest thing about this story isn’t the lack of facts (why were they fighting? Where’s the nose? What’s going to happen do these guys?) but how extremely specific the writer was with addresses. Donroy lives at 863 Page St., in Iowa City. He fought the other guy at 2724 Wayne Ave., apartment B2. Feel free to visit next time you’re in town. Both are soon to be stops on the Famous Fights of Iowa City tour, (only $35 and you get a complimentary bushel of corn!)


Our next story is another beauty, reported by the AP. Just as proof that not everything that happens in this country is deranged, perverted or violently stupid, I present this story, about our United States Postal Service (motto: Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night shall bother any of us because we’re all inside reading your mail).

This past week in Lawrence, Kansas (Home of Joey and Martin) Xan Wedel (which sounds Ferengi to me) received a letter in her mailbox. The letter was postmarked Nov. 11 1948 and was stamped “Return to Sender,” and “Found in Supposedly Empty Mailbox,” (I never even knew the post office had such a stamp.)

The letter was sent from Gertrude Gilmore (Lorelai’s mom) to Ruth Willisten in Rockfall, Conn. (great town name by the way, I used to live in Quicksand Traps, Minn.) and lamented the fact that Truman beat Dewey in that year’s presidential election.

The postal employees had these words of enlightenment to say about the situation:

"It's impossible to really know what may or may not have happened," said Lawrence Postmaster Judy Raney. "No matter what, we always take it and go ahead and send it on."

After almost 60 years, the best excuse the “Postmaster” could come up with was that it’s impossible to know what happened. Really? Really Judy? I bet I can tell you what happened. The post office dropped the ball, as usual. Sixty years! What do you think happened? My question is why they bothered sending, or returning, the letter at all, six decades later. The damage has already been done.

Besides her sadness over Truman’s victory, Gertrude (which is one of those names that are automatically given to old ladies, like Ethel or Doris) talks about her brand new electric fridge and who the local pastor is. But wouldn’t it be more interesting if she admitted that she killed a whole troop of Girl Scouts and buried them in her backyard? Or maybe she summoned up the courage to confess her secret, undying love for Ruth and committed suicide out of melancholy, because Ruth never responded. Wouldn’t that be ironic? (I really don’t know, would that be?)

Alright, that’s all the news that’s fit to type today. Be sure to tell your friends and family about all the interesting things you learned. And join me next week for more news from the Hot Sheets

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