Sunday, June 29, 2008

Hot sheets: Be on the lookout for ninjas and God’s got the best coke hook up!

You’ve got to love the Associated Press. They never fail to find the weirdest, most pointless news items from around the world (though mostly America, cause face it, we do the weirdest stuff) and make them available to the general population. This week is no different.

Have you ever walked through the woods and felt that you were being watched by ninjas? It happens to me constantly. Nary a day goes by that I don’t feel the steely gaze of a deadly ninja assassin boring into the back of my head. But as soon as I turn around I see nothing but the slight shaking of a tree limb, though there isn’t a breeze to be felt. Ninjas are, of course, famous for their vanishing skills.

Recently, in Barnegat, N.J. (Birthplace of the Toxic Avenger) a ninja was spotted running through the woods behind an elementary school, (what better place for a ninja to be hanging out than the backwoods of New Jersey. It’s a veritable hotbed of ninja activity!) thereby causing Barnegat public schools to be on lockdown from 9 to 9:30 A.M. That’s right, for 30 minutes, Barnegat was on high alert for ninjas! I’d like to hear that report.

Bob: Oh my god! What’s that running through the woods over there? Jesus Tapdancing Christ, it’s a ninja!

Deacon: Red alert! I want a one hundred percent lockdown of all schools, nurseries, pet shops, airports and bus stations within a 50-mile radius! This isn’t a joke people, it’s the real thing! The day we’ve all trained for!

It turns out that the ninja was really a camp counselor “dressed in black karate garb and carrying a plastic sword.”(Because there’s nothing scarier than a dude with a plastic sword. Am I right?) who was late to a costume-themed day at a nearby middle school.

And what’s the lesson learned here? Well, apparently kids in Jersey are so stupid that they need to keep the elementary and middle schools open year-round. Naturally, this is bound to lead to an increase in ninja sightings.


If you’re ever in Tampa Fla. and you feel like buying an eight ball of coke, may I suggest going to church? Because it’s only at church that you’ll find God, and I hear he’s got some ill shit at competitive prices. Not to mention he’s conveniently located within 1,000 feet of a school (the Tampa school of Tanning, I’m sure) and public housing.

God Lucky Howard, (his real name, it would seem) was arrested last Saturday trying to sell coke to an undercover cop. (Those dirty undercover cops, always trying to hassle decent, law-abiding omnipotent deities!) The cops had been watching God since April, but since they probably felt that they had a good gig in sunny Tampa, waited until June to get off their fat asses.

When the cops searched his house (the House of God!) they discovered 22 grams of coke and scales. (Interesting fact: God had been selling that same 22 grams for the last three months. Very similar to that loaves and fishes trick he taught his son.) He’s currently being held on a $86,500 bond, which shouldn’t be a problem for him. He ought to be able to create that money out of thin air, or at the very least, kill the first born sons of the cops who arrested him.

Word on the street is that since Phil Hartman is currently in heaven, God will retain Lionel Hutz as his personal attorney.

Everyday something really crazy, (and often stupid) happens somewhere across these fruited plains (that’s not politically correct though, I prefer homosexualled plains) of ours. It’s the job of Eighty-Four Glyde to bring this important news to you, so you can go out and impress chicks. You’re welcome!

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