The Delivery Man Always Rings Twice

 

“Howdy everybody, this is Joe for Pizza Hut and boy do we have a deal for you. In these trying times we know it’s not easy for you to leave the house to get food and we want to make things easier for you and your family. So, for a limited time, your can order two pizzas with two toppings and two sides for only $22.22.

For your safety and the safety of our delivery personnel, all food items will need to be paid for in advance by credit card and the food will be left outside your door. Be sure to get it before an enterprising neighbor shows up and gets a free meal!”

“Hello everybody! Are you in the mood for some egg rolls? Perhaps Moo Goo Gai Pan? Steak in brown sauce? (don’t ask me what’s in the sauce, I don’t know myself, but am smart enough not to inquire.) Then have your next meal delivered by Hunan Express! Our mostly-competent delivery people will have most of your food out to you in 20 minutes and be gone before you realize you’re missing half your order!

All of our delivery personal will be safely wearing masks and gloves and won’t hesitate to physically interact with our customers. Or, at least, we give them that equipment when they leave the store. If they’re still wearing that crap by the time they get to your place is anybody’s guess! If they aren’t and you’re feeling particularly salty, then don’t give them a tip! They probably had a few bites of your food in the first place anyway. Even steven! “

"Greetings America! Karen here. You know, things aren’t easy these days. We’re all supposed to stay at home. Shelter in place. Almost as if the country has been taken over by zombies! But it hasn’t! It’s been taken over by great deals and savings for you! Act now and order from Burger King delivery! Almost everything from our menu is available for delivery, from our Whoppers to our chicken nuggets that only occasionally have fried roaches in them (we’ve worked really hard on that front. The good news is that we’ve minimized the number of severed fingers in each bag) our salads, milk shakes and much more! You can even get those stupid paper crowns for the kiddies!

Our delivery personnel are expertly trained to stand 50 ft away from the entrance to your domicile and precisely throw the food at your front door or through your window of choice. Now that’ll work up an appetite!”

“Hey! Over here. Check it out. McDonald’s has been losing money during this whole pandemic, and since there’s nobody we can sue about it, we’ve gotta actually get up off of our cottage cheese asses to adapt to the situation. So, we’re presenting “Covert Covid Delivery.” You call the closest restaurant to you, (if our plans for world domination are on point, there should be one at the end of your block) and make your order on our automated system. That way you haven’t spoken directly to any of our employees concerning food and we have complete plausible deniability.

Next, an employee of the restaurant, let’s call him “Nerg”, will meet you at a public place for the handoff. It may be a public park, a gas station bathroom, or even your front door (not likely). You give the money; you get the food. Don’t expect any change, so be as accurate as you can.

I was never here.”

“Hey everybody. This is Mr. Brooks, for Subway, your favorite neighborhood American sandwich shop run entirely by immigrants. We’re going through some shit, aren’t we? People dyin’ left and right. I’m about to be the last man on earth and Rebekah still won’t go out with me!

Anyway, due to the lack of people leaving their houses, Subway has decided to meet customers halfway. The process is simple, call and make your order over the phone or online. Then, one of our employees will give you geographic coordinates. Follow the coordinates and with a shovel (not supplied) you’ll be able to dig up your still-fresh order. Put your money (in a plastic bag please) in the hole and cover it back up. It’s as easy as that!”

It’s a Brave New World.