Selachimorpha Week

 

Well, it’s only been 8 million years, but I finally got a chance to watch Shark Week this past summer. I accidentally turned to it one day while skimming the channels for Hentai (you never know!) and ran into Sharknado 85: The Sharkining. Now those damn movies have the characters traveling through time.

I dunno guys, I was down with the silliness the first time, maybe even a little the second time, (if you know me, you know my love of bad movies) but these movies are a little too much in on the joke. Stupid for the sake of stupid can only go so far.

Anyway, I found the whole week both boring and strangely fascinating. I mean, it’s just hours upon hours of talking about sharks, and yet I was enthralled.

Why are there so many different types of sharks?

·         The famous Great White shark: just like Jaws*.

·         Hammerheads: proof that God is messed up.

·         Sand sharks: who like to build sand castles.

·         Jabber Jaw: he’s a real asshole.

·         Wobbegongs: the drunkest of all sharks.

·         Cow sharks: who have udders and some of the finest milks.

·         Thresher sharks: who kick around the sheets on the bed at night.

·         Angular Roughshark: this guy is a real square.

·         Sawshark: who is available for work at reasonable rates.

·         Street Sharks: They’re radical dudes.

And so on and so forth.

There are sharks who hide under the sand and wait for prey. Sharks who roll up to schools of fish and just headbutt them until they get dizzy. Sharks who play drums in a band. Sharks who fight crime. And other weird stuff.

I heard that if a shark comes at you, it’s because they’re sniffing you to see if you’re food**. And you don’t need to be scared, you just punch them in the snout and they run faster than a white person getting the scent of a pumpkin spice latte a block away. I’m not sure that I believe it, but luckily, I’ll never have to worry about it. I have no plans on going into deep bodies of water. See, I have Thalassophobia. That’s the fear of deep bodies of water, (and sea monsters, seriously).

Although sharks are scary and shit, there are worse things in the sea. I personally hate jellyfish. Those things are instant death! They wrap their tentacles around your body and as you writhe in a pain you have never before experienced or imagined, struggling to escape the poisonous hug of this feelingless, thoughtless tool of Satan, it pulls you deeper under the water. That’s when you realize your only escape is death, so you open your mouth and embrace of the taste of the cool, salty water and convulse and writhe as your lungs fight for air. But it is for naught and you close your eyes and breath your last, satisfied that this death is better than whatever the jellyfish had planned***.

Anyway, other than the stupid ass Sharknado movies and the shows that featured famous (or, semi-famous) comedians, I found Shark Week to be very redundant, (and repetitive****). I’ve never really understood peoples’ fascination with sharks. I guess we are drawn to the dangerous things that will kill us or bite our goddamn arms off. Because we’re idiots. That’s why we climb Everest, or jump out of planes, or go bungee jumping, or date Latinas.

I won’t watch Shark Week next year. I get the premise. Instead, I’m going to wait for Monarch Butterfly Week. Cause those are the silent killers.

 

*Did you know Jaws’ name is Bruce? Weird but a very true fact. Look it up.

**I wonder what a person would smell if they were able to sniff under water. I wonder what Aquaman smells.

***This is where the Hentai comes in. Unsavory!

****And does the same thing over and over.