DJ: Hey everybody and thank you for joining us at 96.9, The
Throb. The “Crusty Love Nugget of You Dial” ™ I’m your host with the most this
afternoon, DJ Restraining Order, ready to take your love requests during these
trying times.
Here at the Throb, we know that the current virus situation has
people on edge. People are forced to “shelter down”, “hunker in place” and “take
hostages so as not to be alone”. We know that this pandemic is driving families
apart, straining friendships and relationships and basically just being a
nuisance in the hinder. So, for the rest of this afternoon drive-time “Love
Hoedown” ™, your boy Restraining Order is opening up the phone lines. I’m
taking all requests all afternoon. Don’t be afraid! This is how we beat the virus,
communication and togetherness! Caller one, go!
Caller: Is this me?
DJ: It sure is. You’re on the line caller. What’s your name and
what is your request?
Caller: My name is Hezphiacalth the Wallower and I’d like to
request Loser, by Beck.
DJ: Ok Mr. Wallower, I’m not sure you get this it’s supposed to be
love requests.
Caller: My dad was Mr. Wallower, just call me Hez. Okay, if that’s
no good, then Creep by Radiohead?
DJ: Ummm….
Caller: Hurt by Nine Inch Nails? Anything by Nine Inch
Nails?
DJ: And these are love songs for you and your partner?
Caller: Ohhhh! ME and my partner! No, these are the songs I
love to listen to while skinning somebody alive. I see the mistake now…
*CLICK*
DJ: Alright, next caller, what can I do you for?
Caller: Hi. My name is Tristan and I’d like to request PYT for
my loved one.
DJ: Pretty Young Thing by Michael Jackson? Odd choice considering,
but okay. Who is this going out to and what do you want to say?
Caller: This is for my boyfriend Xander, congrats on graduating 5th
grade this year! we'll have all the Jesus Juice you wa...
*CLICK*
DJ: Let’s try this again. Hello there caller, what is your name
and how may I be of assistance this “Throbbing Afternoon”? ™
Caller: Hi DJ Restraining Order, my name is Greta and I’d like to
request Ride of the Valkyries, by Richard Wagner.
DJ: Well, we usually do the hits from the 80s, 90s and today, but
this is the closest we’ve gotten to an actual romantic song request, so I’ll do
my best. May I ask why that song?
Caller: Because tonight he’s breaking into the nearest clinic to
steal masks and drugs and if he doesn’t come back, then the next time I will
see him will be in Valhalla!
DJ: You people are insane. Let’s take a short break and then back
to the romantic music extravaganza here at the “Love Hoedown”!™
***
Commercial 1: Hey there. Are you a single in the DMV area? Want to
go out and meet new people, but you’re totally over that “bar scene”? Then you
should meet up with Looky Lous the only singles group for unhealthy and unlawful
peeping!
Join us each month as we get together somewhere in the area to illegally
look through people’s windows, personally or professionally to see what’s going
on in their more well-adjusted lives!
There’s no pressure for you to interact
with others in the group. We only ask that you bring your own binoculars and
cleaning towel and try to be discrete during each meeting.
Join us. What do you have to lose?!
Commercial 2: Hi this is Broceps over at Club Torquemada
with a great new offer for you. I have developed the perfect workout for you
and your flabby body to help cope with the stress and pressure that this Coronavirus
is putting us all through.
During these buzz-harshing times, the worst we can do is ignore
what our body so desperately craves and needs. My routine will ensure that you
will greet each day of confinement with a raised chin. Mostly because you won’t
be able to lower your head or use your neck for at least a week.
So come on down to Club Toruemada tomorrow and get 50% off
with membership. Or, if that’s not possible, starting tomorrow, you can follow
me in an online workout class. See you then, pussies!
***
DJ: Welcome back DMV to the “Crusty Love Nugget of your Dial”™
96.9 The Throb! I’m your afternoon host DJ Restraining Order and we’re going to
close out this godforsaken mess with an email from somebody who was too scared
to call:
“Dear DJ, my name is Chester and I’m writing because I figured you
were getting pretty tired of the callers and I hoped this would better attract
your attention. I don’t actually have a girlfriend or wife of my own to make a
request for, but I hoped to make a request on behalf of all those who do.
“I haven’t been around very long, but I’ve learned how important
music is, not just to humans, but to animals and even plants. It’s a beautiful
thing. And like all beautiful things, people want to take a piece for
themselves, to latch onto like their Precious. This can be both positive
and negative.
“Music, sound itself, has power like few other things do. Music
can inspire people to do and create great things; it can inspire them to
continue on with their lives regardless of odds. It can inspire them to find strength
and glory in a greater power than themselves and to motivate others to do the
same.
“Music can also inspire people to do ugly, hateful things for no
other reason other than just to do them. Perhaps people get pleasure out of
their actions, maybe they feel nothing more than compulsion. Only they know.
“But in the current situation, music ends up being the hands we can
use to caress each other metaphorically to make up for not being able to touch
physically. And that’s always good.”
DJ: There was no request in there asshole!
No comments:
Post a Comment