The Shut-in Workout You Didn’t Know You Needed!

What’s up fellow prisoners! Broceps here, lead trainer at Club Torquemada, and I’m pumped today to share an exciting workout that I have personally developed that you can do from within your very own domicile, or wherever you happen to be currently trapped. It’s easy!

Using the latest in core training, while incorporating Yoga, (including Bikram) as well as Mongolian contortionism, Inuit whale-stalking, Seminole pole-dancing and French leg-crossing, I have created a spectacular routine that will get the blood flowing, the muscles moving and the heart pumping. It’s easy!

Before we get started, you’ll have to gather some tools. While some of you may have weights and the proper equipment, some of you may not. So I decided to simplify things as much as possible. He’s what you’re going to need set up in front of you for this INSANE! Workout. It’s easy!

1.Four cement blocks
2.Two two-gallon milk jugs. One filled with water. One filled with milk that you left outside overnight.
3. A cactus
4. One Jenga set, already set up
5. One large pizza, the works
6. A goat (if you don’t have a goat, three cats will do)
7. 6’x2’ worth of sandpaper

Ok, are we ready? Let’s get started. It’s easy!

First, you’re going to clear enough space on the ground to put the sand paper down. That will be your workout matt. Then, it’s time to get naked. This way you can better see the muscles and tendons flex during the workout. Let’s start with some stretches. It’s easy!

The Corpse: Lay down on your back. Now, with you hands down by your sides, palms down, I want you to lay there, counting to 50. Turn onto your stomach and repeat.

The Snow Angel: While still on your stomach, spread your arms and legs outward, while keeping as much of the surface of your body in contact with the floor as possible, count to 47. Flip over and repeat. Can’t you feel your muscles contracting and loosening?

The Angsty Teen: This stretch requires a wall or some other vertical surface. Approach the surface and lean your back against it to whatever degree feels comfortable to you. As you lean against the wall begin to ponder how mean your parents are to you, how much school sucks and you can’t wait to move out! Relax, take a deep breath and repeat. Leg up optional.

Alright, warm up complete! How’d that feel? Get a nice sweat going? Good, time to work out! It’s easy!

!. Grab two of those cinder blocks place them approx. three feet apart. You’re going to sit on one and rest your feet on the other, so pick whatever distance is comfortable for you. Bring over the cactus and the other two blocks, place a block on either side of you. Sit down on the first block, resting your feet on the second. Take the cactus and place it on your lap. Take cinder blocks three and four in each hand. Now do as many block lifts as you can, with the cactus on your crotch until you collect at least a teaspoon of blood from the punctures wounds. Be sure to keep your arms straight the whole time! You should be able to do a quick and easy 250 lifts with this. It’s easy!

2. Alright, set all that stuff aside and shake it off. Next go up to the assembled Jenga set. With one leg, proceed to give that shit the mightiest kick you’ve ever mustered in your life. Send those pieces flying everywhere! With a stopwatch (I forgot that you’ll need a stopwatch) time yourself going around the room collecting every piece. I hope you counted the number of pieces before you kicked! If it takes you longer than 2 minutes to collect every piece, then set it back up and do it again. Feel the burn!

3. You’re doing great so far! Going into the homestretch, gotta get a little cardio in. Take the two milk containers and walk up to the goat, (or cats) and proceed to dump the jug full of water all over it while insulting its mother. Get it enraged. Get it steaming mad enough to chase you. Then proceed to run for your life, because goat skulls are notoriously thick and they will break bones if they headbutt you to the ground. As you run for your life, be sure to chug thirstily from the jug of spoiled milk. This will fortify your stomach and guts from any future under cooked Peruvian chicken you may get at a restaurant one day (I’m looking at you Limon!). See, the key is to not just make your outside strong, but your inside as well. This workout is all encompassing!

The same applies to the cats, although insulting their mothers probably won’t work. You may have to find insults that work for your particular situation and feline companions. It’s easy!

4. Alright boys and girls! The final step of the workout is to lay the pizza on the ground and just stomp all over it. Treat it like a redheaded stepchild. This is done for two reasons: 1. Because I’ve always just wanted to do that, you know? Just waste a pizza! 2. It’s a symbolic gesture to show that heavy, fatty, delicious foods no longer have any power over you. You have the control and the willpower to rise above their tasty, tasty siren calls! You are the master! It’s easy!

Okay boys and girls, that’s it. You did a great job today! Just follow this workout four times a day during this quarantine and in no time, you’ll be as swole and as cut as your boy Broceps. It’s that easy!