(Originally written in 2008)
There’s nothing like a loud,
awkward argument in public.
Fun, don’t cha think?
I enjoy the screeching and yelling.
It always brings a smile to my face.
If you enjoy public brawls then I
personally invite you to my Fourth of July party next year (it’d be this year
but I have a previous engagement to sweat my ass off in Iraq. And it’s a big
ass, so I’ll be here for awhile).
But next year…..Ahhhh next year.
Here’s what you can expect as entertainment at my party:
Got a new lady, her name’s Jaynie.
Those who know me know that I dig on the whole Mrs. Robinson vibe, so she’s a
little older (and sexy!). I love her and all, but sadly, she’s a little feisty.
We talk online but we tend to argue from time to time, (something to do with my
being here and her being free to enjoy the company of other men.) So, we’ve
decided to take our act public.
At next year’s party (which will
have delicious, non-human-based grilled foods and plenty of libations) I invite
you to witness the drunken entertainment that will be me and Jaynie, as we
“talk about our relationship.” Here’s how I’m sure it’ll go down.
First, we’ll start things off with
a violently whispered conversation, much like the dozens of couples’ arguments
that you’ve heard before. They’re kind of quiet, but at the same time drunkenly
loud. With people trying to rein in big, sweeping gestures and shifting their
eyes back and forth like Snidely Whiplash.
Next will be the decisive walk-away
by one of us, (depends on who’s winning the argument.) The walk-away is always
preceded by the dramatic chair-fall. And, of course, the spin-around with the
last word. I love the last word because so often it makes no sense: “And you
can tell her to fluffer your nutter!”
After the walk-away comes the
“storming back in,” because sometimes the last word just isn’t enough. The
storming is the introduction to act two.
Act two is fun because it’s
audience participation. You won’t be able to pretend that you don’t hear the
argument anymore. You’ll have to sit back and watch. Especially when one of us
decides to single out an audience member with the line “but blank agrees with me. Right blank?!” That’s how you know it’s your
turn to join in the fun! (Providing your name is Blank, I guess.)
When act two commences all
pretences will be dropped. No more pretending to keep it civil. There will be
YELLING!! And SHOUTING INCOHERENTLY! The interesting thing for the audience will
be trying to decode what we’re talking about as we reference conversations and
situations that are at least a year old. Relationships are great!
Act three will be when the threats
are thrown around like one-dollar bills at a strip club (yes, dollar bills. I
don’t frequent the classy establishments.) Feelings will be hurt and tempers
will rise. Everything will build to a very loud and fascinating crescendo,
culminating in a glass of water (or a cup of beer) being thrown in my face!
Don’t miss the exciting end to the day’s entertainment!
Once Jaynie’s thrown liquid at me
feel free to depart with whatever food you can carry, because that’ll be the
end of the show and I’ll be kicking everybody out anyway.
So please, please come to my Fourth
of July party next year. It’ll be a blast.
Talk about fireworks!*
*Get the joke I made
there? There’ll be fireworks because we’ll be arguing! It’s a play on words!
I’m hilarious.
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